Archive for January, 2011

The Joy of Outercourse

Monday, January 31st, 2011

WARNING:This post contains graphic descriptions of human sexuality.  Teenage discretion is advised for parents.

My city got some bad news recently. HIV, other sexually-transmitted diseases, and teenage pregnancies among young people went up – again. The Superintendent of Schools even suggested condom distribution in high schools.  You can imagine how loudly the parents are screaming.

“My little Susie doesn’t do THAT!” Right.  I used to know little Susie and she did do that – plus a lot of other stuff.  These kids aren’t getting pregnant and STD’s from the Tooth Fairy.  It’s time we accepted reality and help them make better choices.

People believe we have sex education in schools but what we really have are organ recitals.  A clear list of choices (including abstinence and “How to Tell Your Boyfriend “No”) should be taught early. One of those choices should be outercourse.

Although definitions vary, outercourse is sex play without vaginal, anal, or oral penetration.  Outercourse can include hot talk, erotic fantasy, spicy role-plays, sensual massage, bathing together, mutual masturbation, and dry sex (aka: dry humping or frottage).

Outercourse is simple, convenient, and free and can satisfy both partners.  But the main advantages are there’s virtually no chance for unwanted pregnancies or diseases.

Skeptical?  Think kids will just slide into “home” without rounding first, second, and third “base”?  Maybe.  But until they learn there are many other exciting options, we’re going to continue to get what we’ve got which is tragic.


Sunday, January 30th, 2011

I have a friend who’s hyperactive and has difficulty falling asleep.  I have trouble staying awake – so it works out.  Anyway, she’s been on this sleeping pill, Ambien, for a few months.  She just got around to reading the “Medication Guide” and was pretty rattled by it.

“Listen to this!” she read. “After taking zolpidem tartrate, you may get up out of bed while not being fully awake and do an activity that you do not know you are doing. The next morning, you may not remember that you did anything during the night.”

“No way!” I said, “Give me the sheet.”

She gave it to me.  It said exactly what she read.

I started laughing.  She looked at me suspiciously.  Of course I had to bust her chops about it.

“Look,” I said, “it was nothing you hadn’t done before and there was nothing memorable about it.”

She didn’t smile.

I guess there are some things you shouldn’t joke about.

Ear Lobe Crease? Uh-oh.

Saturday, January 29th, 2011

Do you have an ear lobe crease?  If you do, your chances of having a heart attack increase by 30 – 70% depending on which study you read.  Index finger longer than your ring finger?  Another bad sign.  Short legs too?  Buddy, you may not even get to watch the Super Bowl.

There are many body indicators that can predict heart attacks.  Scientists just don’t know why they do – and can’t agree on their significance.  That’s too bad because 50% of all deaths in Western countries come from heart attacks and associated diseases. And the first symptom of most heart attacks is also the last one: a heart attack that kills you.

So if you have any of these symptoms and want to live longer, you should probably eat less, exercise more, and give up smoking.  And if you don’t have any of the symptoms, you should probably do the exact same things.

All We Are Saying is Give Peas a Chance

Saturday, January 29th, 2011

One of the coolest sites I’ve seen is “Strange Maps”.  You might not be able to go from ‘here’ to ‘there’ with these creations but you should go here:

Shall I Pour More Wine into your Water Bowl?

Friday, January 28th, 2011

Anyone who knows me knows I like cats better than people.  Honesty is big with cats. That’s why I know they burst out laughing when they hear commercials for the convoluted concoctions like you see above.

Looks good, doesn’t it? This one is Wild Salmon Primavera in a Classic Sauce with “garden” Veggies (as opposed, I guess, to those which are grown between the cracks of sidewalks). Ummm.

Advertisements for these “Elegant Medleys” say the selections are “restaurant inspired” – which is good news for those feline connoisseurs currently eating scraps out of restaurant dumpsters.

Unfortunately, few cats will be terribly enthusiastic about the new colors in the Medley menu. You see, cats can’t see many colors; in fact, some experts claim they can’t see ANY colors.

Texture? Cats are far-sighted and extremely sensitive to movement so they can hunt prey. Their extraordinary sense of smell is also a hunting tool. So a clump of stationary mush with different shapes, sizes, and colors – out of a metal can – isn’t much of a feline thrill no matter what fancy adjectives you slap on the label.

You can buy a no-name brand of cat food for about 29-cents a can. These “Fancier Feasts” START at 79-cents!

Why would this product even be made?

What’s born every minute?

Iraq = US Failure

Thursday, January 27th, 2011

A car bomb killed at least 48 people in Iraq yesterday.  You may have missed it because it wasn’t a big story on the news.

The blast and three other bombings were just the latest in a week of attacks that have killed more than 200 Iraqis.  Angry demonstrators pelted US-trained “Security Forces” because they are inept at protecting anyone.  If our American troops really do leave the country by the end of the year (which I doubt),  the fragile coalition government will undoubtedly crumble.

Bush lied and got us into these unwinnable wars – then Obama lied to get elected and escalated them. They both have blood on their hands in your name.

In a 2006 poll, 3 out of every 4 Iraqis wanted an immediate withdrawal of American troops – they believed it would ease sectarian violence.  Can you imagine those numbers 5 years later?  But what the hell do they know?  It’s only their country.

When will America ever learn?

Dream Weaver

Thursday, January 27th, 2011

I love popcorn – it’s my favorite vegetable.  And I was delighted to discover a new brand that’s tastier and less expensive than Orville’s “gourmet” brand.

In 1928, the Reverend Ira “Pop” Weaver and his son Welcome founded the Weaver Popcorn Company in Van Buren, Indiana.  Today it’s one of the world’s largest distributors of all things popcorn. Orville Redenbacker’s company (founded in 1970) lives just up the road.

A recent trip to Walmarts proved the popcorn was about 1/2 (!) the price of the fancier brands and tastes better.

The Best Of e.e.cummings

Wednesday, January 26th, 2011

maggie and milly and molly and may
went down to the beach(to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang
so sweetly she couldn’t remember her troubles,and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and

may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone.

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me)
It’s always ourselves we find in the sea.

Coming and Going To The Gym

Wednesday, January 26th, 2011

When it comes to exercise classes, women are much more likely to come more often and exercise more diligently.  Not necessarily in that order. Women don’t always workout to be healthier or for their men – some just do it for themselves.  And some REALLY do it for themselves.

It seems a number of women can experience a workout orgasm or  “coregasm” – right there on a mat – surrounded by other women – in a sweaty exercise class. This sometimes happens when they repetitively do knee lifts and leg lowering to make stronger their “core” –  the muscles in and around their mid section.  In addition to the obvious tightening and then relaxing of the  relevant muscles, coregasms are probably aided by endorphins and the comfort of being in the relaxing company of other women.

It also probably doesn’t hurt that “somebody” is not calling out his ex-lover’s name just before a particularly poignant moment.

How O-o-l-d Are You?

Wednesday, January 26th, 2011

Sydney’s impressed.  Isn’t this cake being photographed on a bathroom tile floor?  Mmmm.