Archive for December, 2010

The Perfect Gift for Men – A Cashmere Sweater

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

Merry Christmyths

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010


Nah. Although I’m sure His reps on earth are happy to take gifts that day, no one actually knows when Christ was born – neither the date nor the year. Late December wasn’t even a contender until the 4th Century when holy men hooked it up with the Winter Solstice. The year? Many theologians put it between 4 and 6 – “BC”!


No. Nor you, your kids, nor your spouse. Poison centers are so overwhelmed with frantic calls around Christmas, many have ‘They’re Safe!’ ads on their web sites.


You may have felt you WANTED to kill yourself to escape holiday stress – but few people do. A 35-year study from a research group in Minnesota conclusively determined that there is no correlation between suicides and holidays.

Christmyth #4: THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS.

This one’s TRUE. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

From The Not Right in the Head Photo Album

Tuesday, December 21st, 2010

Trippin’ With Triscuits

Monday, December 20th, 2010

Do you love Triscuits?  If you’re a child of the ‘60’s or ‘’70’s you might remember them as little, square wheat crackers over which hippies would fist fight after smoking the herb superb.  Triscuits are good with cheese, butter, peanut butter, pepperoni – oh hell, Triscuits are good with just about anything or nothing at all.

The other day I bought a box of Triscuits “Original” after wading through Triscuits Whole Grain Wheat, Triscuits Rosemary & Olive Oil, Triscuits Deli-Style Rye, Triscuits Cheddar, Triscuits Garden Herb, and a bunch of other choices.  It seems Triscuits has gone ultramodern. The thing that grabbed me was the ad copy (written like a poem) on the side of the box.  Part of it read:

“We like to think of Soft White Winter Wheat as the cashmere of wheat … grown in the Great Lakes region of North America by farmers who are skilled in harvesting this special crop.”

I guess Nabisco’s competitors must use hard, crummy, off-color wheat harvested in Russia by clumsy growers.  Or a ‘60’s hippy tripper, plagued by flashbacks for 40-years, now writes Triscuit ad copy.

We Just Wanted the Oil

Monday, December 20th, 2010

We’ve got ENOUGH Taxi Drivers!

Camel Toe Hall of Fame

Monday, December 20th, 2010

Paris Hilton quickly learned she didn’t have to sleep with everyone in Hollywood to become famous and she was sooo disappointed.

My Favorite Cartoon

Saturday, December 18th, 2010

Are You In Favor Of Capital Punishment?

Friday, December 17th, 2010

Most people who support capital punishment do so for three reasons: 1. it acts as a deterrent, 2. it’s cheaper than housing murderers for the rest of their lives, and 3. the idea of “justice” – “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” – mostly Old Testament dogma (some of which was written on stoned tablets).

The first two reasons are demonstrably false – research shows just the opposite.  So we’re left with the third, “justice” – and here’s where I get into trouble when I start thinking.

“Justice” in America means “for all” – equally.  But we know that’s bullshit. To be executed in this country, you pretty much have to be poor, dumb, and a color other than white.  Hell, O.J. could have BITTEN Nicole to death and if the police found him wandering the streets with her veins hanging from his bloody mouth, he STILL never would have been executed!

I don’t know why we, as a country don’t give murderers a third alternative besides execution or life-in-prison.  The alternative?  State-sponsored suicide.  If someone is convicted of first degree murder, our laws could say,

“You have the option of spending the rest of your life – with NO chance of parole – in a little cage – OR you can take this blue pill and end everyone’s suffering.”

“We will never allow you to join our society again – but we won’t be as uncivilized as you and demand your murder.  Here’s an alternative that might add some dignity to your atrocious life.”

He Who Laughs Last . . .

Friday, December 17th, 2010

In Victorian England, there were many things about Dr. William Palmer on which everyone agreed: he was overly fond of women, gambling, most types of fraud, and he was heavily in debt.

The thing on which people could not agree was if he was or was not – a serial, strychnine murderer who killed more than a dozen people including his wife, his mother-in-law, four out of five of his children, and a half dozen other people he knew.

One reason the English were divided on Palmer was because strychnine was a new, relatively uncommon drug, never before introduced in court as a tool of murder. However when Dr. Palmer and his little bottle of clear liquid were around, an awful lot of people started dropping dead with the same symptoms. Finally, a jury decided the issue by finding him guilty of at least one murder and sentencing him to death by public hanging.

On June 14, 1856, Dr. Palmer was led up the stairs of the gallows and demonstrated at least one more trait on which everyone could agree: the guy had a great sense of humor. At the top step, Palmer put one foot on the scaffolding, turned to the guard and said, “Are you sure this thing is safe?”

Maybe He Thought He Saw a Screener

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

My city has been menaced by a “flasher” for months now.  A flasher is a person (usually a man) who exposes his private parts in public places to shock unsuspecting people.  Of course the police, parents, and the media react to this guy like he’s on a 3-state killing spree but I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing.

Today Paul Goodrell, 41, of a local, small town, was arrested and charged with exposure and disorderly conduct.  He was imprisoned once before for similar charges.

The court papers say Goodrell “while in the public Laundromat of ‘Washboard Willey’s’ (I swear I’m not making this up) did stand in the doorway wearing only a sweatshirt, without any pants thereby exposing himself.”

An unidentified witness told police as she was walking out of Willie’s she saw bare feet. “Then I looked up slowly and saw bare legs and realized that a male was standing in the door way with no pants on.”  Later the woman identified the suspect although he remained clothed for the ID.

This stunt, of course, is only good for shock value in our culture founded by pilgrims, puritans, and prigs.  If the woman had burst out laughing and said “it was no big thing”, the guy probably would have zipped up his willie for the rest of his life.