Archive for December 15th, 2010

Maybe He Thought He Saw a Screener

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

My city has been menaced by a “flasher” for months now.  A flasher is a person (usually a man) who exposes his private parts in public places to shock unsuspecting people.  Of course the police, parents, and the media react to this guy like he’s on a 3-state killing spree but I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing.

Today Paul Goodrell, 41, of a local, small town, was arrested and charged with exposure and disorderly conduct.  He was imprisoned once before for similar charges.

The court papers say Goodrell “while in the public Laundromat of ‘Washboard Willey’s’ (I swear I’m not making this up) did stand in the doorway wearing only a sweatshirt, without any pants thereby exposing himself.”

An unidentified witness told police as she was walking out of Willie’s she saw bare feet. “Then I looked up slowly and saw bare legs and realized that a male was standing in the door way with no pants on.”  Later the woman identified the suspect although he remained clothed for the ID.

This stunt, of course, is only good for shock value in our culture founded by pilgrims, puritans, and prigs.  If the woman had burst out laughing and said “it was no big thing”, the guy probably would have zipped up his willie for the rest of his life.

Jingle Bells Cyst

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

"Lemme see!"

Around Christmas a few years ago, my friend Christine, a former dancer,  began feeling extreme pain and had to accept public assistance for her medical needs.

Christine developed an ovarian cyst and had to go to the Emergency room.  She said she was never before treated as disrespectfully in any medical facility. She believed men “examined”  her who might not even have been doctors!

So I put some new lyrics to a traditional song to commemorate this memorable occasion.

(Sung loudly to the tune of ‘Jingle Bells’)

Got a cyst, got a cyst,
on my ovary.
Now my legs are wide apart,
in Emergency.

Everyone gets to look,
the Doctor let’s them see.
The nurse wants a little nook,
then the lab guy winks at me!

Here comes the lunchroom crew,
plus the guard guy from the door.
They want a better view,
and they start to clap for more.

Oh, got a cyst, got a cyst,
on my ovary.
Now my legs are wide apart,
in Emergency.

A guy feels up my breasts,
looking for lumps to treat.
He wants to run some tests,
but he walked in off the street!

They think that we’re all tarts
Doc’s wearing a big grin.
He’s pointing out my parts,
and R-News is looking in!

(Chorus) Oh, got a cyst,
got a cyst, on my ovary.
Now my legs are spread apart,
in Emergency.

If you get a goddam cyst,
and the county pays your bills,
don’t think that you’ll be missed,
run like hell for the hills!

It all seems kind of shady;
they don’t really care for you.
They just want a pretty lady –
and her ‘womb with a view’.

(Chorus) Hey! got a cyst, got a cyst, on my ovary.

Now my legs are wide apart in Emergency.