Archive for December, 2010

The Majesty of an Iceberg

Friday, December 31st, 2010

Did a Man Marry the Holland Tunnel?

Wednesday, December 29th, 2010

Erika Eiffel always loved the tall silent type – but then she took her preference to the extreme and married the Eiffel Tower.  After a small, ceremony with friends in Paris, Erika legally changed her name to Erika LaTour Eiffel.  There are no reports of how the marriage was consummated.

Erika is an “objectum sexual” – people who fall in love with inanimate objects. In a documentary entitled “The Woman Who Married the Eiffel Tower,” she is shown hugging her “husband” and telling him how much she loves him. The objects these women choose are often sexually symbolic.

The term “objectum sexual” was coined by a Swedish woman named Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, who married the Berlin Wall in the 1970s, according to the documentary. I’m no matchmaker but I would suggest this woman drop at least one hyphen and one name to find the man of her dreams.

There are no reports of men suffering from this psychological malady but I was always puzzled by the strange allure of an open manhole.

Would you like to view an ABC News story on this woman?

Talia. 2005

Tuesday, December 28th, 2010

It Stinks When You Can’t Stop Blubbering

Tuesday, December 28th, 2010

In 1970, the Oregon Highway Department had a whale of a problem on its hands: an 8-ton, dead gray whale washed up on the beach and they didn’t know what to do with it.  When it started to smell, they decided the best way to dispose of the carcass was to blow it up so sea gulls and land crabs could carry off the pieces.

But how much dynamite would it take to blow up a dead whale and where would they place the explosives for maximum effect?  The following clip shows how the guys solved the problem and it isn’t pretty.

“Poison Center? My Kid Just Ate Some MSG!”

Tuesday, December 28th, 2010

Do you think monosodium glutamate can kill you?  Well, it might if you ate about a bucket of it, then tripped over the bucket and smashed your head on the floor.  But any excessive amounts you could eat in a day over a lifetime, won’t do anything but make your food taste better.

Say what? MSG isn’t deadly? Nope, just a typical example of anecdotal health bullshit the media grabs and blows up to sell papers.  And you, of course, believed it (unless you’re an Italian who doesn’t believe anything).

So why do Chinese restaurants advertise “No MSG Used”?  Well what would you do if masses of ignorant diners refused to have dinner at your humble eatery because they think they’ll be poisoned?

Have you ever noticed that unlike tobacco, alcohol, saccharine, and a zillion other things, there are no government warnings about MSG?  That’s because there’s never been a valid, scientific study by the government or the academic world to show that MSG is harmful – except to owners of Chinese restaurants.

Think Your Job Sucks?

Tuesday, December 28th, 2010

Hugh Hefner and Natalie Portman Engaged!

Monday, December 27th, 2010

To different people of course.  But since I don’t care at all about Ms. Portman, let me tell you about Mr. Hefner’s third engagement.

Crystal Harris, 24, is the new fiancé to Hef who is 84 but seemingly ageless.  Ms. Harris was Playboy’s Miss January, 2010 but has many other credentials.  She’s been on a dozen episodes of some “E!” reality show and will soon get her BA degree in psychology.  In addition, she has a singing contract with a major music company.

What I love about the engagement is that Hef continues to be in the forefront of the sexual revolution after more than half a century!  There are so many more types of romantic relationships than the ones traditional America accepts.  “June, moon, spoon. children – forever – love” is an ideal that exists best in romance novels and on the movie screen.   The sooner we expose young people to alternative lifestyles, the less heartbreak they will have to endure.

Tie Died

Saturday, December 25th, 2010

Manhattan, 1972. Retail shopping CRUSH-week between Christmas and New Years and every New Yorker thought it his Constitutional Right to exchange every doofus clothing item he got for Christmas – or thought he got for Christmas – or got for Christmas around 1965.

I worked in Barneys, the World’s Largest Mens’ store and the cacophony of customer craziness was mind numbing. “Sir!”, “Sir!”, “Sir!”, “Pardon me, Sir!” “Sir!”, “Excuse me. May I get some service here?” “Sir!”,“Sir!”, “Sir!”,”Hey, Sir!” “Sir!”,“Sir!”,“Sir!”.

I think I can speak for the majority of the 1st Floor Sales Team when I say we hated them – hated every goddamn one of them who waved a crumbled Barney’s sales receipt at us. There were thousands of them – pushing, pleading, whining, yelling, DEMANDING!

The 1st Floor Team had a little pool going to see which one of us would snap first. I was the odds-on favorite.  I was already demoted from sweaters to ties for being rude to customers.

Working in the tie department was a nightmare! Barneys advertised that they had 100,000 different ties. I never counted them but I must have folded that many at least once a day. There were racks of ties – tables of ties – walls of ties – cases of ties – ties everywhere you looked!

It was about 9:40 pm – 20-minutes until closing – and the crowd had gone. I was exhausted and not exactly in a chipper Barneys mood. I was just mindlessly folding ties on the counter – minding my own business – when this businessman walks over.

“Uh, Sir,” he says, “I don’t see the tie I want here.” SNN…..

I slowly and painfully looked up. “Mister, we carry over 100,000 ties. I’m sure it’s here somewhere.”

“Nope. I looked.” SNNNA….

“Well, Sir, if you looked and didn’t find it, we must not have it. I’m sorry.” And then I started refolding my pile of ties. “Would you GO AWAY,” I thought, “JUST GO AWAY!”

“Well do you have any more ties in the back?” SNNNAAAAAPPPPPPP!

“The ties in the back? No – those are our really good ties. We save those for ourselves. We don’t even have to pay for them – and they’re great ties – but you can’t buy one. Sorry.”

“Are you being smart with me? I pay your salary, you know!”

“Really? Great. Can I have a raise?”

“I’d like to see your manager. NOW!”

“Oh sure, I’ll get him. He’s in the back with the good ties.”

I walked to the back of the store and kept on walking. The A-train stop was only half a block away. I never even bothered to go back for my paycheck.

The Short Way Down

Friday, December 24th, 2010

This was a sunset with neat clouds from my last apartment on the 15th floor.  I now live on the 18th floor in a different building.  I like to be high.  I lived on the 41st floor in Manhattan and people were amazed.  But it really doesn’t matter much after the 7th floor.

If you take the short way down from the 7th floor or the 107th floor, no one should expect you for Christmas dinner.

La Petit Mort

Thursday, December 23rd, 2010

“La petite mort” is French for “the little death” a metaphor for orgasm.  Beautiful Agony is a site that features the faces of many beautiful women (and some men) at that magic moment.  I think it’s hot.