Archive for July 21st, 2010

Ted Kaczynski and me . . .

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

…used to shop Walmart for our grub together – but I’m alone now.

Ted Kaczynski (the “Unabomber”) is now in federal prison.  At corporate parties, he was always a blast.

Just Another Man You’re Going to Blame

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

Human test trials for the male birth control pill are now going on in England. The pill should be on the market in a few years. The research money spent on this stupid project was wasted.

WOMEN – here’s a hypothetical test:  you meet a really hot guy at a cool party. There aren’t any telltale tan lines of a wedding ring on his finger. He’s clean, kind of good-looking, and is neither a hairdresser nor an interior designer. He’s actually asked you three questions about your life and only spent about three quarters of the time talking about himself.

A bouncing boobed bimbo shakes on by and he never takes his eyes off you. Bingo! You’re slightly drunk – so you invite him back to your apartment “to talk.” When he actually pays for the cab ride and gives the driver a good tip, you think – “should we rush a June wedding….or wait another month?”

As soon as you enter your apartment, passion melts the wallpaper! Clothes fly everywhere and at one point in the melee, you kiss your own forearm! After tumbling into bed, you open the drawer in your night stand, take out a condom and hurriedly hand it to your new lover.

He smiles and says, “I really don’t need that, Baby – I’m on the male birth control pill.”

WOMEN, Do you say …….

A. “Wow! You really DO have a great sense of humor!” or

B. “You HAVE to – I don’t want to get HIV again!” or

C. “Good! I WANT to have more children!” or

D. “Geez – I thought only prison inmates said that!” or

E. “Right. How selfish of me to put an unwanted pregnancy before your minute and a half of pleasure!”

Male birth control pills will become viable only when women trust men enough to put down the toilet seat every night.

Under the Influence of What?

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

In 2002, Hollywood actor Nick Nolte was arrested for ‘driving under the influence’.  Let’s hope he chose this shirt in that condition.

Living in Luxury (Hotels)

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

Sometimes clients put me up in first class hotels when I travel – and it’s a real thrill for me. Two things that knock me out about the best hotels: 24-hour, Full-Menu & Bar Room Service and GLEAMING bathrooms. The “facilities” are sometimes SO sparkling, I hesitate to brush my teeth in them – much less do anything else.

One day when I was killing time before I had to speak, I asked the maid how she made the bathtub and sink shine so brilliantly? At first she just giggled and pretended not to speak English. Not surprisingly, a greenish portrait of Alexander Hamilton (discretely folded and handed to her while maintaining eye contact) helped her develop an impressive second language fluency.

The secret? Scrubbing the tubs and sinks with a heavy, DRY terry cloth hand towel WHILE THE FIXTURES ARE STILL DRY. THEN use the disinfectant spray and shine to make them glisten. Well, of course! Why disinfect and shine dirt and grime?

Say anything you wish about my blog – but you can’t say you never learned anything here.

I Don’t Think She’s a Virgin

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010