Archive for July 20th, 2010

Jade Star

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

Jade can never remember names.

These Boots Were Made for Gawking

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

In the late ’80’s I gave a series of speaking seminars to bankers in Victoria, Texas.  That’s south of Houston – waaay south of Houston. In those days, South Texas had so much oil and gas money, they didn’t know what to do with it – so they hired me.

I was making mad money then and spending it stupidly – so I decided I wanted to buy some real, custom-made cowboy boots.

“Lucchese!” my clients said,  “They’ll measure you up, help you choose the leather, and ship your custom-made boots in a few weeks.”

OK, then! I went to Lucchese, skipped by the snake, ostrich, eel, and turtle leathers and settled on your basic black, cowhide, custom-fitted model.  The “booter” looked bored. We ambled on back to the measuring room and then I remembered to ask him the price.

“Three thousand dollars,” he said and continued ambling. I stopped.

“Pardon me – what did you say?”

“Three thousand dollars – including fitting and shipping.”  Seeing the stunned look on my face, he said, “But these are Lucchese boots. They’ll last almost a lifetime.”

I remembered my first car cost $600 and lasted 2-years. I could have bought five of the damn things and driven barefoot for the same price for a decade!  Then I thought of Rochester winters.

“They might last a lifetime here in the dust – but do you know what salt slush can do to boots in a year?”

“Nope,” he said.  Now we were both embarrassed – for me.

“I’ll have to think about this,” I said trying to slip him a ten spot for his trouble.

He looked at me like I grew an ostrich head before his eyes.

“Cain’t take that,” he said, amazed.

I quickly left the store.

Lindsay’s Community Service for the Troops

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

Lindsay Lohan doesn’t want to go to jail.  I don’t blame her – what good would it do?  But picking up roadside trash or working in a soup kitchen for community service would be a waste of good talent.  I have a better idea:  let her entertain our troops in Afghanistan.

The USO always brought Hollywood entertainers to US troops in war zones since W.W.II.  Hundreds of people from Bob Hope to Marilyn Monroe have appeared.  They sang, they danced, they told jokes – everything, unfortunately, at which Lindsay is limited.  But these are different times and Lindsay IS talented – we saw her video!

How about this: a contest for any unmarried troops men or women serving in Afghanistan, who choose to participate. Tickets could be drawn and the top 10 winners would get to spend a private hour with a very naked Lindsay.  Obviously, safe sex, Lindsay’s security, and winners’ anonymity would be guaranteed.

Ms. Lohan wouldn’t be forced to do anything of course, but the judge would look favorably on her efforts to keep our troops’ morale up.  Why didn’t her lawyers negotiate something like this?


Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

You Could Advertise Here

Cool Canvas

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

Cool Mom

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010