Archive for July 5th, 2010

No Piercing Required

Monday, July 5th, 2010

And They Used It for Toilet Paper Too

Monday, July 5th, 2010

Long before old Sears catalogues, early Americans used corn cobs for toilet paper.  I doubt if insertion was part of the process but I stopped reading because I was so grossed out.

I don’t like corn on the cob – which is shocking to all the corn chomping, butter slurping, wipe-your-mouth-with-your-hand, pick-at-your-teeth-when-you’re-done,  cornqueens around here.  It’s gotten so bad, I now tell the huskers I’m allergic to the stuff.

I put corn on the cob in the same category as oranges: nice but not worth it.  By the time you actually skin an orange trying hard not to slice yourself, pull off the white rind, and then do microsurgery on the membrane surrounding the fruit,  what you have left is a tiny morsel of “that much trouble for this?”

I think a great host would offer you corn on the cob or a bag of corn chips – and then open the bag for you.  What’s so wrong about that, cornballs?

Erection That Lasts Longer Than 4-Hours?

Monday, July 5th, 2010

…See Your Doctor.

(Note the Optimistic Angle of this Pill)

Oh, right. You’ve got to hand it to the Cialis people. They take a supposed “health risk” – which is just about every guy’s sexual fantasy – and “warn” you about it every chance they get. The medical term for an erection which won’t go down is ‘priapism’ – and a medical dictionary is the closest I’ve ever come to it.

Priapism is supposed to be a serious medical emergency. So after 4-hours, you’re supposed to call your Doctor. I don’t think so! There’s a LONG list of women I would call first – since college….

“Laurie? This is Frank Paolo – right – Frank Paolo from college – remember? Yah, well remember that night after the feminist rally and you told me all men were pigs? And, uh, I agreed and said I didn’t want to have sex with you because I didn’t want to treat you just like a middle-class slut? Well, I really did, but I couldn’t, ya see..but NOW…uhhh, look, I’m only an hour and a half away from you…ya, I know it’s late but….. Laurie? Hello? Hello?”

“Pammy? Frank Paolo!……. Hello?”

“Elizabeth? Frank Paolo here. Yeh, really. Gosh – I was thinking about the silliest thing. Remember that night in New York and we were just lying there – uh, kind of not doing anything and you looked down at me and said, “You can’t think of anyone else either, huh?” Well…yeh…that was pretty funny. I….you’re still laughing over that, huh? Yeh, me too. Well would you stop laughing for a minute here because ……”

“Dr. Johnson? Frank Paolo here. I took Cialis a few hours ago and I’m having a problem….”