Archive for June, 2010

“Poison Center? My Kid Just Ate Some MSG!”

Monday, June 28th, 2010

Do you think monosodium glutamate can kill you?  Well, it might if you ate about a bucket of it, then tripped over the bucket and smashed your head on the floor.  But any excessive amounts you could eat in a day over a lifetime, won’t do anything but make your food taste better.

Say what? MSG isn’t deadly? Nope, just a typical example of anecdotal health bullshit the media grabs and blows up to sell papers.  And you, of course, believed it (unless you’re an Italian who doesn’t believe anything).

So why do Chinese restaurants advertise “No MSG Used”?  Well what would you do if masses of ignorant diners refused to have dinner at your humble eatery because they think they’ll be poisoned?

Have you ever noticed that unlike tobacco, alcohol, saccharine, and a zillion other things, there are no government warnings about MSG?  That’s because there’s never been a valid, scientific study by the government or the academic world to show that MSG is harmful – except to owners of Chinese restaurants.

Oh, Bite Me!

Monday, June 28th, 2010

President Obama wanted General McChrystal out for many reasons –  not the least of which was calling Joe Biden “Bite Me”. “Bite Me”? That old 7-th grade taunt? Of course a few months earlier, Biden dropped the “F-bomb” too close to an open mike and churchies snarled.

Obama followed that act when he told NBC’s Matt Lauer that he was going to “kick ass” at BP and purist prigs started calling O every name in their decidedly limited vocabulary of insults.

What a bunch of weenies!  They are alter boys compared to President Richard Nixon.  When the Watergate transcripts were published, the nation cringed.  Nixon – brought up a Quaker and thought to be a prude – called many on his enemies list “cocksuckers”.  The poor secretaries who had to transcribe the tapes, kept typing the phrase “expletive deleted” – dozens of times.

Yo’ Mama So Poor. . .

Sunday, June 27th, 2010

… I sawed her kicking a tin can down the street.  I says, “Whaddya doin’?” She says, “Movin'”

Give Me a Break, Wednesday

Sunday, June 27th, 2010

Wednesday the Cat asked if she could invite a few pussies over to play.  I thought nothing of it until I heard giggling from the next room – so I opened the door.

The Crook of a Vaginal Arm

Saturday, June 26th, 2010

U Can Do It!

Saturday, June 26th, 2010

There’s only one word in the English language that contains three “u’s”.  It’s an unusual word but used quite frequently – even by U. U probably have used it in the last week or two.

Thoughts Medication Can’t Stop:

Friday, June 25th, 2010

My face was my fortune – and now I’m broke.

There are more bad smells than good ones.

Is it supposed to be this color?

If someone you don’t know well calls you his “best friend” – you are probably his only friend.

The LifeAfterDeath Library

Friday, June 25th, 2010

A lot of people have a lot of hopes for what will happen after they die.   Some hope to meet Jesus.  Some dream of meeting their loved ones.

Many of the ‘Recently Arrived’ will push into the ‘All The Shrimp You Can Eat – Forever’ booth.  Some might crowd the ‘Sleep With Kelly Ripa Pavillion’ (mostly men). Others would collect around the ‘Information Booths’ – “Hey! If this is Heaven, where are the strip bars and casinos?”

Me? I’d rush to the LifeAfterDeath Library where you could get all the answers to the questions you had on Earth. I’ll bet you wouldn’t even have to verbally ask the questions – you’d just put your hands on some orb and lasers would shoot out the images and answers.

My orb will probably be vibrating even before my hands are around it!

First image: Lee Harvey Oswald saying, “Of course I didn’t shoot him! I really WAS a patsy, Paolo.”

Miss Hartman from the second grade: “OK, you little bastard; I DID say, “I don’t like Wops.”

Hey – there’s Kathy Maloney! “OF COURSE I wanted to, Dumbass. You were stupid!  ‘No’ doesn’t always mean ‘no’ when you’re seventeen.”

“Wait…. my big silver ring. There it is – under the desk! Look….uhhh, who’s hand is that? JENNIFER! She’s slipping it into her  jeans pocket…………”

I’ll bet I would walk out of the LifeAfterDeath Library with a vacant gaze – just overwhelmed. The kind Librarian would point out the ‘Mens Brainwashing Restroom’ nodding her head with understanding.

It probably really wouldn’t be heaven if you knew all the answers.

For 78¢ a day you can buy these girls clothes—

Thursday, June 24th, 2010

— or just click your mouse.

Until she was 12-years old, Cindy didn’t know clothes came from places other than city dumps, Salvation Army hangers, or her 13-year old twin brother,  Wilbur. Times were so tough when she was born, her Mom had to hold her in for an extra year.

When Cindy entered Junior High School at 12, she was classified as ‘gifted’ by her 42-year old homeroom teacher, half the boys in her class, and her gym teacher, who ironed towels for her.

Cindy quickly bonded with her clothes-less school friends like Stephanie, Naomi, and the rest – but somehow, they never quite felt like the other girls: “dressed”.

And that’s a pity because for only 78¢ a day – less than the extra cost of Bleu Cheese dressing on a side salad – you could be covering up Cindy and all her naked friends.  Think of it:  a lousy pocketful of change a day could change the lives of these ragamuffins.  Won’t you please help?

Go Away! Let Him Play With His Joint!

Thursday, June 24th, 2010