Archive for May, 2010

Liberals Annoy Me

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

Every time Obama laughs, $3.4 Billion is added to the national debt.

I’m a Libertarian and dislike both conservatives and liberals.  But somehow liberals just annoy the hell out of me.  I’m beginning to understand why.

First of all, I am not a closet conservative – promise.  I protested the war in Vietnam and think our two current conflicts are complete fiascos.  I think drugs should be decriminalized and there should be no laws against consensual crimes like gambling and prostitution.  I believe in homosexual rights. I don’t think we are a  “Christian” nation but a nation of religious freedom. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, free birth control, more sex education, and Plan B.

I know liberals don’t love me much either. I think English should be the only language of our country, our borders should be closed to all but legal immigrants, there’s too much welfare, people should be paid for NOT having kids, and we should pave the damn rainforest.  I don’t care at all about global warming and I love capitalism.  How’s that for “not exactly a liberal” tilt?

Neither side would choose me for a spokesperson and I still dislike both of them.  So why do I have this gut reaction against liberals?

First, liberals are caught up in the future – they LIVE in the future.  “Our grandchildren”, “our great grandchildren”, “six generations from now” – all are going to be globally fried and probably will be genetic mutants from sugar, salt, chemicals, and a lack of wind and solar power.

But we face huge problems today – here, right now.  Before this day is done, over 40,000 people will die from curable diseases, starvation, and violence due to poverty.  How green will they be in 500 years?  How can we solve future problems if we can’t even get a grip on disasters du jour?

Second, liberals seem to be a snooty lot.  Intellectually superior, wealthy from other peoples’ money, they believe they’re noble because they’re “saving” all of the unwashed people on our future planet.  They LOVE people – except they wouldn’t let them through the front door to any crystal-clinking fund raiser at which Barbra sings.

Anyway, I’m glad I’m starting to figure this out.  I’m also smart enough to  know stereotypes aren’t the exclusive property of radio talk hosts.

Conservatives Annoy Me

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

The Last Conservative to Laugh - 1964.

Barry Goldwater, the last conservative who laughed – 1964.

I’m a Libertarian and dislike both liberals and conservatives.  But somehow conservatives just annoy the hell out of me.  I’m beginning to understand why.

First of all, I am not a closet liberal – promise.  I think English should be the only language of our country, our borders should be closed to all but legal immigrants, there’s too much welfare, people should be paid for NOT having kids, and we should pave the damn rainforest.  I don’t care at all about global warming and I love capitalism.  How’s that for a “not exactly liberal” tilt?

I know conservatives don’t love me much either.  I protested the war in Vietnam and think our two current conflicts are complete fiascos.  I think drugs should be decriminalized and there should be no laws against consensual crimes like gambling and prostitution.  I believe in homosexual rights. I don’t think we are a  “Christian” nation but a nation of religious freedom. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, free birth control, more sex education, and Plan B.

Neither side would exactly choose me for a spokesperson and I still dislike both of them.  So why do I have this gut reaction against conservatives?

First, it seems conservatives would like for time to stand still or flow backwards.  They’d love for America to be as it was in the 1950’s.  But it will never be yesterday, tomorrow. The past is gone.  The only questions we face today are how do we deal with new challenges? The liberals don’t have many good answers but at least they’re asking the right questions.

Second, conservatives seem to be a gloomy lot.  They’re always yelling “the sky is falling, the sky is falling!” whether it’s a commie under every bed, the country going bankrupt in the next ten minutes, or radical Muslims trying to slit the throats of our pets.  How glum can you get?

Anyway, I’m glad I’m starting to figure this out.  I’m also smart enough to  know stereotypes aren’t the exclusive property of radio talk show hosts.

Coming and Going to the Gym

Monday, May 17th, 2010

When it comes to exercise classes, women are much more likely to come more often and exercise more diligently.  Not necessarily in that order. Women don’t always workout to be healthier or for their men – some just do it for themselves.  And some REALLY do it for themselves.

It seems a number of women can experience a workout orgasm or  “coregasm” – right there on a mat – surrounded by other women – in a sweaty exercise class. This sometimes happens when they repetitively do knee lifts and leg lowering to make stronger their “core” –  the muscles in and around their mid section.  In addition to the obvious tightening and then relaxing of the  relevant muscles, coregasms are probably aided by endorphins and the comfort of being in the relaxing company of other women.

It also probably doesn’t hurt that “somebody” is not calling out his ex-lover’s name just before a particularly poignant moment.

American Historical Coincidences

Friday, May 14th, 2010

I don’t believe in many conspiracies.  If you believe in flying saucers, you pretty much have to disbelieve the laws of physics and time.

What I like to do, however, is study FACTS – absolute, tangible, agreed-to-by-everyone, pieces of reality – and connect my own dots. I also believe the John Kennedy assassination was a complete conspiracy.  I’ve connected my own dots – as have many – and decided the government’s version of events is a total crock of horsepoo.

One of the more amusing sidelights to this horrible event was the response by celebrities to the question: “Where were you on November 22, 1963?” Now anyone over 50 can tell you EXACTLY where he or she was on that unforgettable day.  The nation came to a complete standstill and all the television stations went to live coverage in Dallas.

But there were two notable exceptions: George Bush, Sr (who said he was “somewhere in Texas”) and Richard M. Nixon who “forgot” altogether.  Ironically, both were in DALLAS, TEXAS that day. Bush on some “oil business” and Nixon addressing a convention of Pepsi Cola bottlers.

Were they involved in the assassination?  Of course not!  Probably not.  Maybe not.  But they sure didn’t want to be associated with that city on that day – and lied about it.  Today, America is a different place than it was a half century ago.  Right?

Big Mac . . . . 145 Miles

Thursday, May 13th, 2010

There are over 13,000 McDonald’s restaurants in the US. Somewhere in South Dakota is the place in the US geographically most removed from the nearest McDonalds. If you started out from this location, a few miles north of State Highway 20 (which runs between Highways 73 in the west and 65 in the east), you’d have to travel 145 miles to get a Big Mac.  And that’s just one more reason the United States should drop from our roster  South Dakota, South Carolina, and West Virginia too.  We no longer have enough money to collect “doubles”.  Of course, that’s just my opinion.

One of the most interesting sites on the web: http://strangemaps.wordpress.com/

Don’t Think – Just Read the Label

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

In America, everything you eat or drink out of a container must have a nutrition label in accordance with strict US FDA guidelines. Normally that’s a good thing. If your kids like some sort of “frosted” cereal, the label will probably tell you the flakes are over 50% sugar – or fructose sweetener or corn syrup –  something like that.

Actually, if you’re the frugal sort, you could buy a pound of no-name, corn flakes on the cheap, then dump a 1/2 pound of sugar on them, shake it up, and serve. If you do an impersonation of Tony the Tiger (or whichever cartoon shill is hawking the crap on TV) you’ll enhance your kid’s cereal-eating experience. This usually works for kids under two – after that you’ll probably have to spring for the real thing.

One problem with arbitrary rules is there aren’t any logical exceptions. What’s good for the flake must also be good for the water.

Water?

Right, water. Each bottle of fancy water must have a nutrition label on it. From Poland Springs to Evian (which is naive spelled backwards – you knew that, right?) they have to be labeled so consumers can make healthy choices. Not surprisingly, they all look pretty much alike:

Calories? Uh, 0 – it’s water.
Carbohydrates? Yup, 0% – it’s freakin’ water.
Fat? Right again. 0% – and you know why.

I don’t know why I get annoyed at stuff like this. I just have a problem with stupid rules with no logical exceptions, that don’t make sense – especially from the government.

“Jews Have Horns”

Monday, May 10th, 2010


Miss Goldstein had just announced to our 7-th grade class that she was Jewish.  The year was 1962.  The place was a small Upstate New York town of fewer than 2000 people.  It was the black & white TV period in American history.

“You can’t be Jewish!” loudly said Galen M. “Jews have horns!”

As the class burst into laughter, chaos, and ridicule of Galen, I noticed not everyone was amused.  More than one of the other students sat there stunned and silent. They, too, believed the same, stupid thing.

Could any child in America be that embarrassingly ignorant today?

Of course not.  Today we have a superior education system, hundreds of around-the-world cable TV channels, and the internet.  Today, no kid could live in such a naive, clueless bubble – in America.

But America is not the world.  Children in other countries ARE this ignorant.  Let’s take an example:  Afghanistan.  In that poor country, fewer than 3 out of 4 people can read and less than half have electricity.  Televisions are no big deals if you can’t plug them in and the internet is less valuable than a healthy goat.

The people of Afghanistan believe what the tribal leaders, Al-Qaeda, and the Taliban tell them what to believe about America.  If they have any doubts, our bombs and rockets, which blow away their neighbors, will convince them.

We’ve already lost too many fine American troops in this conflict.  And “too many” started with the very first one.

Why Must We Do It “Their” Way?

Friday, May 7th, 2010

Every woman wants to change men and most men would rather just go into the next room and watch TV.  Men don’t seem to be in this “change 1/2 the world, one remote-clicker at a time” mode.

The two main female complaints are:  “Men don’t talk” and “Men don’t show emotions”.

What about talking? The average woman speaks around 21,000 words a day – the average man: about 12,000.  So women, when you’re all fired up to machine gun words after work, please realize men may have used up all of theirs by about 3:30. They probably don’t have any words left.

And who said talking more is better?  Many times fewer words are better if they’re the right words. Just ask the guys.

I know, I know…it’s to “relate” – emotional bonding.  Oops – guys crash again.  Showing emotions is a tricky thing for men – and the deck is stacked against us.  Women don’t want men to show all of their emotions.  Anger and fear aren’t best sellers – neither is sadness.  So guys not only have to hack up feelings they’d rather keep to themselves, they’ve got to throw out the “right” feelings.

Who made up these rules – Oprah?

Why do guys always accept being changed?

Most psychologists would agree it’s based on that old joke most of us heard as kids:

Boy – “You don’t have one of these!”
Girl – “Yeh, but with one of these – I can have all of those I want”.

True?  Hey, don’t ask me.  I just used up all my words for today.

Make Up After a Fight

Friday, May 7th, 2010

Clown sex is the worst but a little make-up is nice.


My Boss is a Bitch

Thursday, May 6th, 2010

Tuesday the Cat didn’t like what I wrote about her the other day.  Now she says she’s going to read everything I write. (Bitch.)