Archive for March, 2010

“I Have Earworms….” she said.

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

The Village PeopleThe Village People

“I do too”, I admitted.

Oh, shut up – you have them too just like 97% of the population.  Earworms are those little musical ditties that play repeatedly in our minds.

Have you ever said, “I just can’t get that song out of my head.”?  You have an earworm – a short, upbeat, incomplete part of a song that you play in your brain over and over again.  Simple words and repetitive melodies create unforgettable earworms which are highly favored by advertisers and simpy groups like the Village People (think: “YMCA”).  The Village People – along with Abba – are earworm legends.

Psychologists who study this phenomenon (they really should have better things to do) call earworms “cognitive itches” and compare them to physical itches which must be repetitively scratched.  Mozart was said to be almost driven to madness by earworms.  There’s really no known “cure” for this intellectual pollution and the prognosis is dismal.  You’ll have earworms for the rest of your life and I hope it’s the worse thing you face.

What do I do about my earworms? I just kind of flow with the music in my head since I never bought an I-Pod.  The only problem I have is when I’m in the audience of some talented musician friends.  I try to look appreciative but my mind keeps singing:

“Super-cala-fragil-istic-expi-al-i-docious..even though the sound of it. . .”

“Damn It, You Kids!”

Saturday, March 20th, 2010

“Stay Still!”

Whacked Hacks Backed Crack Tax

Friday, March 19th, 2010

The New York State budget has a huge deficit again – something like $9-billion dollars.  All the legislators are supposed to get it together, agree on the necessary cuts, and pass it before April 1st.  There’s a better chance they’ll play pick-up-sticks with their butt cheeks on the steps of the Capitol in Albany.

From the Governor on down, they’ve sung “fiscal crisis” so many times, most New Yorkers can dance to it.  At least the law makers aren’t as crazy as they were two years ago when they wanted to create a new tax on which they had no real hope of collecting: the drug tax.

The what tax?

You read that right, Binky, a tax on ‘controlled substances’ – drugs –  was actually in a NYS budget proposal. The state would issue drug stamps just as they do today with cigarette stamps. The proposed tax would be $3.50 on an ounce of marijuana and $200.00/oz. on stronger drugs such as cocaine and heroin.

There were a few small flaws in that brilliant plan. New Yorkers who buy cigarette tax stamps run legitimate businesses. Drug dealers don’t. Would dealers fill out tax paperwork answering questions like ‘annual income?’, ‘address?’, and ‘occupation’? Probably not; even though the tax people PROMISED not to give the information to law enforcement agencies – that’s ‘illegal’. Right. But dealers sell dope – they aren’t dopes. Maybe they could just slip money under the door of the Tax Department late at night and stamps could be passed back in plastic baggies.

The legislators who introduced this lunatic idea tried to make it look respectable by saying with the new tax, the state could fine dealers for tax evasion and take a bigger share of their busted booty.  Estimated 1st year revenue from this pipe dream? $12-million dollars.  Estimated start up costs? $75-million dollars.  The idea was quietly dropped.

I heart New York!

What Do These Women Have in Common?

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

1.Kelly Ripa Nude (from memory)

2.Megan Marshack (woman under Nelson Rockefeller when he died, 1979)

3.Carla Bruni (former model; now 1st Lady of France)

The massive Google search engine doesn’t send a lot of people my way.  Out of the 125,000+ hits “Everyone” has had since I began, less than 5% worldwide have come from Google key words.  I have no idea how the rest of you got here but many are repeat offenders. Thank you.

The order above represents the relative popularity of the Google hits I’ve received.  Obviously sex and pretty women drive people to websites.  Most, I assume, are men.

I’m thinking that if I can arrange some sort of erotic encounter with these three women together – I could have more hits than Disney.

Doin’ the Little Schmuck Trot

Wednesday, March 17th, 2010

Do you do the Schmuck Trot? You know, that little two or three step symbolic run across the road when a driver stops and signals you to cross? It’s usually accompanied by a nod, smile, or wave – and, since it’s only symbolic, it doesn’t hurry things up at all – but it’s kind of nice – and polite.

When I drive and stop for pedestrians when I don’t have to, I’m a little embarrassed to admit I like them to do the schmuck trot. I think of it as a little, visual ‘thank you’ – an acknowlegment of my ‘right-of-way’ sacrifice and generosity.

Of course, not everyone is appropriately grateful. Old people seem to take it for granted that you’re going to stop and can get positively snarly if you rev the engine a bit to hurry them along. Teenagers would rather be caught listening to Lawrence Welk than do the Schmuck Trot. They glare at you and almost DEMAND to be run over! One of these days they’re going to play that game with some maniac who’s just been told he’s got ‘don’t buy green bananas’ cancer and the last thing they’ll do on this earth is kiss the tread grooves of a speeding tire.

The worst? People from California. In their state, if a couple of clueless moonbeams is discussing the joy of soy and steps off the curb – cars are legally required to slam on their brakes and let them cross. But this is New York! I wonder how many thousands of Left Coasters’ final thoughts were “But he was SUPPOSED to stop!” I know I can personally take credit for at least a half dozen near misses. I heart New York!

If you make dull presentations, you will be run over at:

Erin Go Blah…

Tuesday, March 16th, 2010

(Your basic Saint picture with a few shamrocks thrown in =  St. Patrick. And why is he looking down? More snakes?)

I can’t imagine anyone taking pride in something they didn’t accomplish themselves. Your ancestry is just an accident of birth and has little to do with who you are today. Proud to be Irish, Italian, Puerto Rican, American, or anything else – just doesn’t make sense to me.

So what are we celebrating today? Irish pride? Corned beef and cabbage? Potatoes before Atkins? (no wonder these people drink so much – their food sucks) Of course the Irish were discriminated against when they first came to America.  So was everyone else except the Pilgrims. And Indians have stories that’ll tear your heart out. But really, who cares?

So we gave the Irish some green stripes down the road, parades, and a 1-day license to be raging drunks . The Italians got  Columbus Day and the Indians got casinos and no tax on cigarettes. The Blacks got Kwanzaa and the Jews got the whole garment district in New York. Everyone gets something – this is America – be happy. And if you can’t appreciate what you get, at least be thankful you don’t get what you deserve.

How should you treat your Irish friends today? Any way you’d like. Save your love for tomorrow when they’ll probably have terrific hangovers.

The Rainforest? Pave it! Make It a Parking Lot.

Monday, March 15th, 2010

My liberal friends hate when I say this – but I really don’t give a damn about the Green movement or global warming.  The roots of my apathy go back almost 40-years.

In 1970, the Anti-Vietnam War movement began to lose momentum. People were discouraged because that “winless” war continued despite our best protests. And then came Earth Day – and everyone had a NEW CA– USE – Environmentalism.

The trendies quickly embraced goals which were ridiculously futuristic and too easy  compared to ending the war in Vietnam. After all, who was “for” pollution and against the earth? We anti-war demonstrators were booed, gassed, clubbed, arrested, and beaten. We were called commies and traitors.

No one spit on or hated tree-hugging, dolphin-kissing, dirt-worshipping earth lovers. As a cause, environmentalism (as it was called in those days) was as good and clean as it got.  Worse? It reverently centered on the Future! Our Future.  Our Kids’ Future.  Our Planet’s Future. Ah, the Future – a 100 years, 500 years, 10- centuries from now – alla God’s chillens gonna have clean air, pretty trees, and snail darting fish – in the Future (when we’re all dead).

The only problem is what about NOW?! Right now – just like then – we have piles of bodies from the ravages of wars and mountains of corpses from hunger, disease, poverty and national disasters. Today – like every day – 40,000+ people will die from unnecessary hunger, unbeaten diseases, cruel poverty, and senseless wars. How green will they be in 500 years? Shall we put them in blue recycling boxes or just dump them in the landfills of history?

Automobiles saved the world from streets full of horseshit – but protesting their fumes is now filling the streets with future-nostalgic bullshit.

Beware the Eyes of March

Monday, March 15th, 2010

“Of course Victoria’s Secrets will take them back.”

Trip Forward, Stumble Back

Saturday, March 13th, 2010

WARNING: Second Hand Salt

Friday, March 12th, 2010

New York State Assemblyman Felix Ortiz has introduced a bill that would ban the use of salt in New York restaurants. The shaky hands of violators would be slapped with a $1,000 fine for every salty dish on the menu.

Assemblyman Ortiz is an idiot.

I love salt – I salt ham.  I sometimes fight the deer in the woods for the licks.  And I don’t  want some Brooklyn political hack telling restaurants how much salt to use or giving us a lecture on future health care cost savings in a world without sodium.

New York State is in a fiscal crisis caused, to a large extent, by NYS Assembly pork.   Why isn’t this assemblyman in Albany right now thinking up ways to cut costs and slash the budget ?

Felix – don’t like salt?  Order out for some hospital food.  And then get back to work.