Archive for February, 2010

What Sad, Empty Lives You Must Live

Friday, February 19th, 2010


NBC News was all atwitter.  SPECIAL REPORT – BREAKING NEWS!  Was there another terrorist attack?  An airline crash?  Have we stopped the wars?  Nope – more important:  Tiger Woods came before the cameras publicly confessing his adultery.  He might as well have had a flashing, red-neon “A” embedded in his forehead.

Then all the analysis began by grown suits with serious looks on their faces.  “Was he sincere?”, “Will America accept him again?”, “Will his former sponsers come back?”  Did   Tiger “break America’s heart?”  as one annoying, babbler whined.  I have a response to that:

Good!

Celebrity worship is a dangerous game.  Was Tiger a role model for kids?  That’s way    too bad.  When I was a kid, my Dad was my role model.  I didn’t have to make him into something he wasn’t and I was never disappointed.  I know lots of kids today don’t have family role models.  But they have teachers and coaches and church leaders who would love to be appreciated for what they do – even if they don’t earn $50-million a year.

America was not at her best today.  We never are when we worship sports stars, movie idols, and tabloid smiley faces.  We just become a larger version of the old bitch down the street whose day isn’t complete until she says something bad about someone she knows.

Put This In Your Pipe…..

Wednesday, February 17th, 2010

First of all, I support smoking rights and I’ve never smoked a cigarette.  I hate when the government tells me it knows better than I,  how I should live my life.  Second-hand smoke?  There’s as much controversy on this as there is on global warming.  I think both  are exaggerated.

The government wants to safeguard your health?  What a pants load that is.  The government wants more tax dollars to pay for its bloated budgets and  breaks for special interest campaign contributors.  And when it comes to taxes, nobody does it better than New York.

New York Legislators are now kicking around a new tax that would add lots of pennies to sugary drinks – it’s called the “sugar tax”.  Virtually all soft drinks here will cost more with the additional fee per bottle.  The official line of crap?  “Too many of our children are obese –  we want them to limit their soft drink intake”.  Right.

Do more taxes – which have skyrocketed the cost of a brand name pack of cigarettes to about $9 – work to curb peoples’ behavior?

According to an annual Gallup poll, the rate of smoking adults in the US is about 20%.  It’s remained constant for many years. Imagine years of draconian taxes, disgusting commercials we must all watch, and the vilification of people who smoke – with no measurable “positive”  results.

Who else but the government could pull off a scam like that?  People should remember that “sin” taxes just don’t penalize the “sinners” – they penalize all of us who believe in individual rights.

Twang Ain’t Fake Orange Juice

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010


What is it about Country & Western Songs?  A friend sent over this list and if some of these aren’t real songs, they darn well should be.

“I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine”

“Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few”

“Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared She’d Win”

“I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here”

“My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him”

“She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger”

“It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day”

“Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth ‘Cuz I’m Kissing You Goodbye”

“I Went to Bed at 2 With a 10 and Woke up at 10 With a 2”

“Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life”

The Dumb and Dumber Contest

Monday, February 15th, 2010


Recently Sarah Palin delivered the keynote address to the first national convention of the “tea party” coalition.  She scrawled a few crib notes on the inside of her left hand for the speech and we were off to the races.

As someone who has coached literally thousands of corporate business executives  in presentations for over 25-years, I can honestly say I never saw anything as unusual.  It was very strange – but not necessarily dumb.  It only became dumb when she started mocking President Obama’s use of the teleprompter, gesturing with her scribbled-on mitt.

Not to be out-dumbed, Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary, then mocked Palin by writing some notes on his palm during his next press conference.  With that cheap shot, Gibbs  clearly became the nitwit winner in a bizarre contest of one-downsmanship (or one-downspersonship – including Sarah).

Of course this buffoonery brought to the electronic boards scores of commenters who couldn’t whine loudly enough about Obama’s “er’s and ahh’s” (Toastmasters 101) or Palin’s screechy, Yoko Ono voice.  Little things confuse little minds.

I have an idea: why don’t all you political junkies concentrate on WHAT the politicians are saying – and leave to professional speech coaches HOW they’re saying it?

Very Saddened – Twice

Saturday, February 13th, 2010

Along with the rest of the world,  I was very much affected by the death of the 21-year old Olympian, Nodar Kumaritashvili.  All of that bravado,  determination, and joy of competing against the best athletes in the world – snuffed out in less than 2-seconds on a too-slick, practice luge run.  How little these words must mean to the man’s family tonight – but they are offered respectfully.

And then a “lesser” news story crossed my screen and my mind: the Haitian government stated that the death toll of last month’s earthquake now exceeded 200,000.  Two hundred thousand deaths.  200,000 people who did not suit up, compete in an activity they loved, and whose deaths are easily forgotten.

What does it all mean?

Hey folks, I just write the words – you decide for yourself what it means – or not.

The Day the Music Died

Friday, February 12th, 2010

I was talking with a man about the assassination of John Kennedy. Now I don’t know much about many things but I DO know a great deal about this subject.  I was stunned when this intelligent, well-educated man said he believed the official report of the government – Lee Oswald was the lone killer.  And then he said in a confident (and I’d say rather smug) manner that part of his reasoning was “nothing changed.”

Nothing changed after November 22, 1963? NOTHING CHANGED!?

1. Lyndon Johnson, probably the most crooked president we ever had, became President.  Besides being dropped from the ‘64 Kennedy/Johnson ticket, Johnson was soon to be indicted for numerous “insider” scandals. When he died, Johnson’s wealth was cited by independent sources to be about 20-times greater than he could have accumulated honestly in his public service career and investments.

2. The war in Vietnam REALLY started.  Many quotes and documents show Kennedy had had enough in Vietnam and wanted to drastically reduce our involvement. A few years after he was in office, Johnson dispatched over 500,000 troops and we were building major military installations such as Haiphong Harbor in that country.  Most of those construction contracts were given to Brown & Root, a Texas company which often funded LBJ’s campaigns. Today B&R is a subsidiary of Haliburton (is anyone else paying attention here?)

3. The prosecution against organized crime almost stopped completely. Attorney General Robert Kennedy waged a fierce war against the mob from 1960 – 1963.  The Justice Department turned to other matters after JFK’s death when RFK went into a near shock.

4.  J. Edgar Hoover, longtime head of the FBI and right wing reactionary, was going to be slipped into retirement under the new Federal age limit laws.   LBJ, by a special proclamation, declared him “Director for Life”.  Hoover was the virtual “editor” of the Warren Report.

5. A year after the Cuban Missile Crisis, Kennedy was sending nonpublic “feelers” to Cuba to resume a more sensible relationship with the US.  Earlier, JFK made an agreement with Russia not to invade Cuba in exchange for them removing their missiles from the island.

Kennedy also botched the Bay of Pigs Invasion sending into a rage tens of thousands of Cuban exiles who wanted their country back.  JFK blamed the CIA for the debacle and promised to “smash it into a thousand pieces.” Although Johnson did not invade Cuba, he immediately stopped any “peace” gestures and began an embargo which continues to this day.

These are only a few of the MANY things that changed when JFK was killed. Lee Harvey Oswald was about the only naive nitwit who DID NOT have a motive to kill Kennedy.

It always amazes me when right-wing, wing-nuts believe virtually ANYTHING the government tells them about the wars and the murder of this president – and think the government lies COMPLETELY concerning Obama and his “socialist conspiracy.”

They are hypocritically ridiculous.

Killing “My Way”

Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Karaoke is big in the Philippines.  In America, it’s often performed by a staggering drunk trying to sing to the machine with a mike in one hand, a bottle in another, and intoxicated with mad delusions of talent.  You’d better not try that in the Philippines which takes its karaoke seriously – sometimes, deadly seriously.

Karaoke machines are all over the nation in streets, grocery stores, and sometimes, even standing alone on country roads.  Unfortunately, all of this singing is not universally appreciated by everyone in the country – not even by other karaoke singers.  Arguments, brawls, stabbings, fights, and even an occasional murder are common.

The reasons? People criticizing others’ singing, alcohol, crowding, and machismo all contribute to the chaos.  But the unquestioned leading cause of the killings is Frank Sinatra’s classic hit, “My Way” – and no one seems to know the reason why.  Many karaoke bars have eliminated the song from their play books and most singers won’t even try to warble it.

Imagine, old Blue Eyes can still start a barroom brawl years after his death.

Deaths-by-karaoke are not limited to the Philippines. In the last two years,  a Malaysian man was fatally stabbed for hogging the microphone at a bar and a man from Thailand murdered eight people after the group sang John Denver’s “Take Me Home, Country Roads.”

Now, I can understand the Thai man – but the rest seem mighty strange.

(BTW: Orange was Frank Sinatra’s favorite color.)

“The horror….the horror!”

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

(This is not an original post. But it’s still one of my favorites.)

Two hot, new outfits for two hot ladies……$340.00

Two admission fees to the coolest club in town……$50.00

An hour-and-a half of Tequilla shots for both…..$110.00

Being sick in drunken embarrassment as your best friend passes out on the sidewalk……

PRICELESS!


Don’t Be a Loafer

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

Here’s the problem: how can you discipline prison inmates who, in effect, have nothing to lose by committing crimes against fellow prisoners and guards? Lifers and real long termers (25+ years and more) can’t serve more time in prison because, in reality, they’ll die there anyway. These guys really don’t mind solitary confinement and, legally, the state can’t use physical force nor psychological torture. So when these villains get out of line, really – what can the prison administration do?

Meet the Loaf. The Prison Loaf is nutritionally sound and well balanced – and just about the most unappetizing food you can imagine. Often the loaf is what the rest of the inmates eat – maybe – except the food is thrown into a blender until it has the consistency of half-cooked oatmeal – and then it’s baked into the form of a brick. It’s said that wet cardboard has more taste.
The United States Supreme Court has ruled prisons cannot use the deprival of food as a punishment. So prisons have said in effect, “OK. We’ll give them food – just not up to the high gourmet standards of regular prison chow.” Prison officials say a few weeks or a month on the loaf almost always gets disagreeable inmates back in line. In fact, even the threat of the loaf is effective for inmate attitude adjustment. I don’t know why – but I find this funny as hell. It’s like telling these big, scary killers, “Bad! No dinner for you. Go to your room!”

What Do You Say To a Naked NY Governor?

Monday, February 8th, 2010

Two years ago in March, NY Governor Elliot Spitzer was forced to resign because it was revealed he enjoyed the services of a high class call girl club.  Although he almost died of embarrassment, he didn’t die. New York Governors, in office or out, should NOT have extramarital sex – period. We should put that in the State Constitution. Why?

Well, if you ever run into Megan Marshak, you probably shouldn’t ask her where she was on January 26, 1979. The 27-year old Megan was naked in bed that day. No big deal except she happened to be lying under the also naked, 70-year old former Governor of New York, Nelson Rockefeller. Unfortunately, Nelson had just suffered a massive heart attack and was unconscious. Wow – talk about coitus interuptus! How awkward. And how do you get out from under a situation like that?

But Megan knew what to do. She did what any smart mistress would do at that moment – she called her girlfriend and tried to get Nelson dressed. Girlfriend ambled on over and they discussed the situation. At this point, Rockefeller was still technically alive although unconscious.

Now I’m not suggesting for a moment Megan, who was left a New York City townhouse worth millions plus $50,000 in cash in Nelson’s will, hesitated to immediately call for help – for any reason other than appearances. Right.

Finally, after at least an hour, Megan’s girlfriend called an ambulance. Rockefeller died on the way to the hospital. An official autopsy ruled the former Governor died of a massive heart attack. He was cremated 18-hours after his coronary – counting the hour he was getting dressed.