Archive for February 28th, 2010

Riders: Beware of Brats, Fats, & Yaks

Sunday, February 28th, 2010

Riding the bus is still a trip! One year after my car died,  the bus continues to be an adventure.  I’ve seen people up close and personal that I previously saw only on television. Of course then you can turn them off.  And you can’t smell them either.

Many of the younger riders look like wannabe gangstas and rappers.  Sometimes I think I should just call ‘America’s Most Wanted’ and say,”Yup, John – I’ve found ‘em ALL! Every last one of the damn suckers is now on Bus #7 rolling down Monroe Avenue in Rochester, New York.”

If you ever go-by-bus, here are some travel tips I’ve learned:

– the bus ONLY stops at designated stops. If you’re walking between stops and you see the bus, do NOT step into the street and wave your arms. Everyone laughs at you – ESPECIALLY the driver. Some jerks even wave.

– do not sit near high school students. The bus should just drop them all off at the county jail – it’ll save time – cut out the middlemen. It’s painful – PAINFUL – to hear them speak, YO! They crowd you, spit, honk, snort, belch, blow, and fart! And the guys are even worse – WORD UP, YO!

– feel fat? Ride the bus. Sometimes when a ‘2-seater’ comes huffing slowly down the aisle, I feel positively anorexic! Stare at them! If you politely pretend to look out the window, they’ll slam their huge jello butts into the seat and a half next to you. Tip: take a long piece of dental floss, stick it between your two front teeth, hang it out of your half-open mouth, then stare at the ceiling before they get on. Chances are good the brats and fats won’t sit with you.

– yakers – people who talk CONSTANTLY to you – are the worst! On planes I used to pretend I was deaf in the ear on their side. Polite business people would usually shut up. But this is the friggin’ bus – they don’t take the hint! You must pretend you are completely deaf and wave some made-up sign language at them. If they continue, broadly grin and continually shake your head “no!” They’ll stop.

– DO NOT accept the rule “the older you are, the more bags you must carry.” The general guideline seems to be “1 extra bag for every three years past 55″.

Finally, if you ask some goof about getting off at a certain spot and he says, “get off the stop before me,” don’t make a thing of it. Of course he’s just a stupid nitwit riding the bus – but, of course, so are you. And he’s BETTER than you. He knows where to get off.