Archive for January 27th, 2010

Remote-Control Artificial Penis

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

My gal-pal B. and I were lying around yesterday discussing the promise of artificial penis’s.  (This did not have anything to do with anyone we know, mind you – but the advantages immediately leapt into my mind and, unfortunately, out of my mouth.)

Penile implants have been around for years.  Their popularity has had its ups and downs (somebody had to say it) but  new technological advantages out measure their performance in years past.

Today, after a brief operation, the device pictured above is inserted into a non-working penile appendage. And then the pump on the right is repeatedly pushed through the scrotum to get the desired erection.  Now, don’t be dumb here.  “Little Johnny” is not   going to grow into a John Holmes no matter how many times you toodle your testes.  You just get what you had.  And I have no idea why the there are two tubes pictured although the idea of two penis’s is positively intriguing.

“Great,” I said, “but doesn’t pumping the tire kind of take away from the romance of the moment?”  B. looked at me suspiciously – I went on. “With today’s technology wouldn’t it  be better to push a button on a remote for takeoff  – and then casually turn over and push another button for landing – so to speak?”

Thoughtful silence.

“I have a better idea,” B, said, “What if the on-off switch was in a Clapper?  We’d have to change the name, of course – but besides that, it’s a great idea! Clapp on – erection.  Clapp off – over and out.”

I have to admit, I thought about it.

“Wait a minute, “ I said. “The Clapper won’t know who’s clapping.  The woman might clapp and everything would go down.”

B. just smiled.