Archive for January, 2010

“Allo? Nobody home.” Click.

Sunday, January 31st, 2010

Since my Grandfather hated the telephone, every caller heard those words and hang-up every time he ”answered”. My Mom and her sister could barely get Grandpa to answer the phone, much less take a message.

One reason Grandpa hated the phone was because he was afraid of it – a lot of people were in the old days. He thought you could be electrocuted through the earpiece.  He thought that if sound traveled through the wires, electricity could too. Of course, this is the man who refused to teach his children to swim because “only kids who know how to swim, drown. Kids who don’t know how to swim, don’t go near the water.” It’s hard to argue against that kind of logic.

I don’t know how much Grandpa influenced me but I almost never answer my own phone. Every caller has to talk through my answer machine.  After decades of doing this, people are now shocked when I answer the phone. I always hear, “This is you? I was expecting your machine.” Some sound quite disappointed.

Is screening calls inconsiderate? Well think of how many people call you to whom you’d actually like to talk . Once I figured my percentage to be about 1 in 9. Those aren’t great odds.  Certainly not good enough for  me to pick up.

Rude? Well give me a call and we’ll talk about it.  Right.

He’s Tall, That’s All.

Saturday, January 30th, 2010


Leonid Stadnik, a Ukrainian, has been verified by Guinness Records as the world’s tallest man.  The former veterinarian stands 8 feet, 5 inches and is seen here shaking hands with the President of the Ukraine.

Amy – My Twin & Best Friend

Friday, January 29th, 2010

Amy and I share a birthday on June 9th.  What year?  Every year, dumbass.  I knew Amy was special a few minutes after I met her.  Like every guy at first,  I was a little overwhelmed by her beauty and sexiness.  That lasted until she got me laughing and then discussed the parallels in her life with those of Scout in “To Kill a Mockingbird.”  At the time, she was going to RIT.

A year or two later, I hired her to be my assistant for my Great Presentations! Seminars – mainly for Eastman Kodak.  We must have done 50 or 60 of the classes and many evaluations mentioned Amy’s perception and how she helped students relax in an uncomfortable situation.

One of Amy’s favorite roles is “mothering”.  One year I had the flu and remember her  unexpectedly at my door overloaded with bags of groceries, books, and videos with an old-lady babushka on her head stomping snow off her boots.  Sunday the Cat loved her and Sunday usually didn’t like ANYONE except me.

Amy’s one of the kindest and most caring people I’ve ever met.  She’s having a rough year after losing Boo, her Basset Hound, suffering a few health problems, and being primary caregiver for her Grandmother which has almost turned into a full-time job.  That’s OK, though – she’ll bounce back.

Please send some positive energy to a lady whose heart is a whole lot bigger than her attributes for which most men lust.

I love you, Twin.

Goodbye, Mr. Salinger

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

J.D. Salinger died today.  He was 91.  His first book, pictured above, was published in 1951.  Some think of it as one of the greatest books ever written – others think of it as a distant high school homework assignment.  If you know what I’m talking about, I’m talking to you.

Shortly after “Catcher’s” publication, Mr. Salinger fled New York City and his fame and became a recluse in a small New England town.  In over 50-years, he never again spoke a word in public.

Remote-Control Artificial Penis

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

My gal-pal B. and I were lying around yesterday discussing the promise of artificial penis’s.  (This did not have anything to do with anyone we know, mind you – but the advantages immediately leapt into my mind and, unfortunately, out of my mouth.)

Penile implants have been around for years.  Their popularity has had its ups and downs (somebody had to say it) but  new technological advantages out measure their performance in years past.

Today, after a brief operation, the device pictured above is inserted into a non-working penile appendage. And then the pump on the right is repeatedly pushed through the scrotum to get the desired erection.  Now, don’t be dumb here.  “Little Johnny” is not   going to grow into a John Holmes no matter how many times you toodle your testes.  You just get what you had.  And I have no idea why the there are two tubes pictured although the idea of two penis’s is positively intriguing.

“Great,” I said, “but doesn’t pumping the tire kind of take away from the romance of the moment?”  B. looked at me suspiciously – I went on. “With today’s technology wouldn’t it  be better to push a button on a remote for takeoff  – and then casually turn over and push another button for landing – so to speak?”

Thoughtful silence.

“I have a better idea,” B, said, “What if the on-off switch was in a Clapper?  We’d have to change the name, of course – but besides that, it’s a great idea! Clapp on – erection.  Clapp off – over and out.”

I have to admit, I thought about it.

“Wait a minute, “ I said. “The Clapper won’t know who’s clapping.  The woman might clapp and everything would go down.”

B. just smiled.

Let’s Kill Dull Talks – 2

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010


Speak Twice as Loud as You Think You Should.

I know you’re not going to believe this. My students never do until they see themselves on videotape or hear the feedback from their peers. People are usually awful judges of their own voices. So chances are, in presentations, you are ‘politely’ quiet and almost certainly dull. In my workshops I push peoples’ volume until they think they’re shouting (in a focused manner). They’re shocked when their classmates describe their voices as “confident”, “in-charge”, and “passionate.”

When you speak loudly you sound more committed to your ideas. You sound enthusiastic! You sound like you should sound when making a great presentation.

To get this effect you must rehearse your presentation OUT LOUD at least five times before you deliver it. The final time, bring someone into your rehearsal room and seat that person farthest from you.

First, deliver the first minute in your normal style. Next, deliver the same material much louder than you think you should. Really push it! Ask your practice audience member which style sounded better. And when he agrees with me, ask him to come to your real presentation and have him sit in the back of the room. Have him signal you whenever your voice slips into its natural polite, quiet dullness.

To make a great presentation which is distinctively different in a professional way, you can’t sound like everyone else.

Here’s a word from our sponsor:   Frank Paolo is available for presentation speaking, coaching, and seminars.  See:

Please book him far in advance so he may clear it with his parole officer.

Abortion? No Comment.

Monday, January 25th, 2010

A recent blogger in our city’s largest newspaper complained that the paper had little and unfair coverage about  anti-abortion protesters who went to Washington for their recent demonstration.

I wrote a comment in which I said some REAL news would be if the protesters ever adopted a rational position that PREVENTION – extensive birth control information and Plan B – is the best solution for unwanted pregnancies.  Preventing problems is always better than trying to solve them.

The writer chose not to allow my comment to appear.

To me this symbolizes why debating abortion is so ugly in this country.  Extremists on BOTH sides of the issue refuse to rethink their positions as the world changes around them.  If we all listened more to each other, perhaps this horrible tragedy of abortion could be eliminated.

As I’ve said to many anti-abortion activists, “Really – do you want to end abortion – or just protest for a religious agenda?”

Think Your Job Sucks?

Friday, January 22nd, 2010



Friday, January 22nd, 2010


Whine-O’s on Park Benches

Friday, January 22nd, 2010


Summer, 2008

Negative people who complain constantly annoy me. Mention a beautiful sunset and they’ll tell you it’s caused mostly by pollution. Comment on a beautiful summer day and they’ll remind you that “winter’s just around the corner.” If you tell them something good has happened to someone, they’ll say, “Yeh, with MY luck……(the opposite would have occurred).

I hear a lot of whiners here at 10 Manhattan Square where I work. Of course, since there are over 200 apartments and offices in the building, you’d expect a few. But it seems more than a few complain about the new reflecting pool and fountains surrounded by black, wrought iron tables and benches in Manhattan Square Park, just across the street.

I happen to LOVE the new park. I heard the city spent about $7-million on this part of the renovation and I’m very grateful. But do you know what I hear?

“Why do they have to turn the fountains on at 6-AM? They wake me up.”

“Did you see how dirty the bottom of the pool is?”

“The benches are too hard.”

“Those aren’t really fountains – they’re just pipes shooting water into the air.”

“That mulch smells.”

“It looks like they planted more weeds than grass.”

“The noise from those fountains is driving me nuts all day long!”

I wish my parents could tell them what they told us as kids: “If you can’t appreciate what you have, at least be thankful you didn’t get what you deserve.