Archive for December 7th, 2009

Cups of Hypocrisy

Monday, December 7th, 2009

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What’s the first thing a diner waitress says when she sees you?

“Coffee?”

Come in with a few friends?

“Coffee? Coffee? Coffee? Right away!”

And you’d better get it ‘right away’, Sugar Lips, because you’ve got a table full of caffeine junkies who are now hurtling through drug withdrawal and trying hard not to snatch up their butter knives and stab the annoying people seated next to them. Most of them don’t talk – they twitch. “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my first two cups” is the sad mantra chanted by these pathetic addicts 150-million times each morning across America.

When the coffee dealer finally distributes her steaming fixes, a whole new attitude surrounds the group. They’re friendlier – they start to chat – and their behavior would horrify members of polite society. They slurp, they blow, they smack, they suck, they rip open little packets of white powder, tear off the covers of tiny containers of liquid poison, and quickly mix up the nearly boiling-brew – before pouring it over some of the most sensitive parts of their bodies. Ouch! It hurts so good – like the needle prick announcement of anticipated joy when a junkie pushes a needle into a vein.  Then there’s the loud, satisfied “ahhh” which is an acceptable table grunt as they nod to each other in a shared understanding of affordable addiction. Coffee is America’s Drug of Choice – by far.

I hate coffee. I hate the taste. I hate the smell. I hate the mindless rituals. I hate those personalized cups which should say, “World’s Greatest Asshole” around a smiley face. But most of all, I hate the hypocrisy.

Caffeine is a drug – a powerful drug. And if you’re a daily coffee drinker, like about 150-million other Americans, you’re a drug addict – plain and simple. You can’t just quit without significant withdrawal symptoms and you can’t just stop at 2-cups a day. National average? About 4.

Caffeine makes you feel good – but is it good for you? Of course it’s not good for you. But I think you should drink all the coffee you want. I don’t care – it’s your body – fill it with whatever or whomever you choose. That’s called freedom.

However, I would care very much if you’re one of those flaming, “respectable” hypocrites who thinks you’re better than the millions of Americans rotting in jail cells because they loved a drug which is different than yours. Your drug is legal and inexpensive. Their drugs are illegal making them very expensive. Still, we’re all just junkies in the grand scheme of the universe – which probably doesn’t care one way or another anyway.