Archive for October, 2009

Eventually It Adds Up to Real Money

Tuesday, October 20th, 2009

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Think of it this way: imagine a stack of new $100 bills. A MILLION dollars would be a stack of hundreds just over 3 feet high. It could fit on your desk.

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A BILLION dollars would be a stack the height of the Empire State Building.

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A TRILLION dollars in hundreds? That would be over 270-miles tall.
Skylab was the first US space station which was launched into a 270 miles altitude orbit on May 14, 1973 as part of the Apollo program.

Position Desired: Junkie

Monday, October 19th, 2009

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Another model-junkie friend is going back to prison – again. For a year – or more. Violated her probation – peed ‘dirty’ – can’t keep off drugs. Too bad, right? Right. Today she’s hating herself more than ever.  What’s a word beyond ‘humiliation’? Devastation? She’s devastated that her two-year old son will learn someday that his Mommy is a JUNKIE – from the flapping tongue of a relative or “friend”.

It won’t even matter if she breaks her needle avocation. Unless you’re someone who has the money and talent of someone like a Britney or Lindsay – and she doesn’t – you’re going to wear the red-letter ‘A’ – Addict – FOREVER.  “Once a Junkie, always a Junkie.” And if you ever kick it and try your best to be a good Mom, there certainly will be enough hateful stares at the PTA meeting and church to make you feel ashamed.

Well, she did it to herself, right? Right – no denying that. And of course she should be punished, right? Of course. But she’s taking down some good people too.

Like YOU – and me – and every single American who’s ever paid a dime in taxes.

Christian punishment doesn’t come cheap, you know. Thousands and thousands of dollars have been spent to investigate this one junkie – to pee test her,  put her through Drug Court, State Drug Rehab, local drug rehabs, drug and mental health treatment progams,  County Jails,  State Prison and vocational rehabilitation programs. Money to fill the streets with Zero Tolerance cops and overtime, to pay all the counselors, correction officers, court officers, public defenders, parole boards and border patrols. And, the most expensive items? All the crimes she’s committed against us for her drug money and future ‘entitlement’ programs.

I’ll bet this one junkie has cost taxpayers over $1,000,000 in the past 8- years. Now multiply that by millions of junkies with a failure rate of over 90%.

The answer? Legalize heroin and give it to anyone with a doctor’s prescription. A government dose would cost less than 50-cents. Crime and disease would plummet.  Fewer families would be devastated.

Wouldn’t she take too much and kill herself? Not my problem, man.  As it stands today, it IS my problem – and yours too.

Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

Saturday, October 17th, 2009

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I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three I’m under the table, after four I’m under my host.

“It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”

A Boy and His Dog

Friday, October 16th, 2009

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Years ago, when my ex-wife T. and I visited my Dad at the old house in Webster, he gave her a big box of old photos, through which, I’m sure, he never looked. When we got home, she sat next to me looking at the old pictures as I read a book. She came across the picture above.

“You never told me you had a dog when you were a kid!” she excitedly said. I vaguely remembered the dog; I think it was supposed to be part German Shepard or something.

“Oh, yeh,” I said, and went back to my book.

“Oh, yeh? ……….. That’s it?” Obviously my ‘A Boy and His Dog’ memories weren’t living up to her sentimental expectations. Maybe she watched a lot of TV as a kid.

“What was your dog’s name?” she asked, obviously shocked at my alien role in her early American fantasy. I probably should have just made up a name like ‘Brownie’ or ‘Bill’ or something – but, of course, I would then have to make up a million stories that Old Bill and I shared- so I just said, “I really don’t remember.”

Wrong answer.

“WHAT!?” she loudly said, “You don’t remember the name of your first pet?” She seemed pretty agitated about this. Why? Well, of course, I’d be the last person to ask.

“I’m going to call your Father right now!” she said reaching for the phone, “I’m sure he’ll remember!”

“Right.” I thought.

T. punched in my Dad’s number. I watched her face. After explaining the situation, her brow slid into a furrow. Her mouth opened a bit and she said, “Uh-huh. Oh. Well thank you, Mr. P. Good night, now.” She looked a little confused as she held the phone in her hand without hanging it up.

“What did he say?” I asked.

“He said he doesn’t remember you even had a dog.”

Naked By Popular Demand

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

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Few posts have received as much feedback as “A Model Prisoner” (9 or 10 entries down).  Dozens of you demanded that I show the jail jumpsuit filled with the naked beauty of the “model prisoner”.  She agreed to once again be photographed in the jumpsuit – naked – although she hasn’t filled a needle – nor a cell – in many years.

She climbed into the suit – wearing only the “clothes” with which she was born.  I must say  a few years and a few pounds did nothing to take away from her breathtaking beauty.

Once “dressed”, N. opened the jumpsuit waaay passed her navel, and asked, “Ready?”  I stuttered “YES” and pushed the shutter a split second AFTER  she whipped around and flipped me the one finger salute!

It seems N. is no longer addicted to drugs – to modeling – nor to me.

Good for you, Pretty N. – good for you.

In Memory

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

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Iraq: Total US Killed – 4349

Afghanistan: Total US Killed – 869

Meat the Loaf

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

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Here’s the problem: how can you discipline prison inmates who, in effect, have nothing to lose by committing crimes against fellow prisoners and guards? Lifers and real long termers (25+ years and more) can’t serve more time in prison because, in reality, they’ll die there anyway. These guys really don’t mind solitary confinement and, legally, the state can’t use physical force nor psychological torture. So when these villains get out of line, really – what can the prison administration do?

Meat the Loaf. The Prison Loaf is nutritionally sound and well balanced – and just about the most unappetizing food you can imagine. Often the loaf is what the rest of the inmates eat – maybe – except the food is thrown into a blender until it has the consistency of half-cooked oatmeal – and then it’s baked into the form of a brick. It’s said that wet cardboard has more taste.

The United States Supreme Court has ruled prisons cannot use the deprival of food as a punishment. So prisons have said in effect, “OK. We’ll give them food – just not up to the high gourmet standards of regular prison chow.” Prison officials say a few weeks or a month on the loaf almost always gets disagreeable inmates back in line. In fact, even the threat of the loaf is effective for inmate attitude adjustment.

I don’t know why – but I find this funny as hell. It’s like telling these big, scary killers, “Bad! No dinner for you. Go to your room!”

My Pin Number? XXXX

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009

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You just can’t think too much if you don’t want to go crazy on this planet. Every time I use my ATM card, the machine asks for my pin number.  When I type in the four digits, it shows “XXXX” and then asks “Is this your pin number?” Two choices: Yes or No.

Well of course XXXX isn’t my pin number but if I press “no” I’ve got to reinsert the card and start all over again. And I must keep inserting my card until I answer “Yes”.  In other words, I’ve got to lie to the ATM  to get my own money on which the machine will charge me a hefty fee which might be exceeded by the additional fee my bank will charge me because I didn’t use their ATM.

Once I overdrew my ATM account and knew I had to pay the overdraft fee of $35.00 plus the $3.75 the bank kicked in to prove to my retailer that I wasn’t just a disgusting slug who couldn’t pay his bill.

I went to the bank to pay my penalty.

“That will be $73.75,” chirped the young ditz who “manned” the window.

“I beg your pardon?” I asked.

“$73.75 to satisfy your account,” she said. “That’s a $3.75 overdraft plus 2 penalty charges of $35.00.”

“I only made one transaction,” I said.

“Well, to our bank, it’s two transactions.  $35.00 for the overdraft and another $35.00 because you overdrew your account again with the ATM transaction fee.”

I didn’t say anything.  I just glared and seethed silently. I’ve found glaring and seething coupled with heavy breathing and silence is an effective reaction in situations like these.  In any case, I doubted if  I could hoist myself over the counter with the bulletproof glass and beat the lady until the police came anyway.

She seemed to sense I wasn’t a satisfied customer.  She went to the manager and he lifted the 2nd $35.00 with few words.  Ms. Teller seemed relieved to be able to tell me this.

I paid the reduced penalty and walked outside the bank with an idea.  I walked up to their ATM and inserted my card.  When it asked for my pin number,  I typed “XXXX”.  The friggin’ machine shot out my card so fast I thought it would hit the ground.

Maybe next time I’ll use an old retailer card – with Crazy Glue.

“Do We Get Mail Today?”

Monday, October 12th, 2009

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Most Italians don’t really care much about Columbus Day. It’s supposed to be a day of national pride – but most Italians shrug their shoulders and just don’t give a damn. We don’t paint ourselves in our national colors (whatever they are) – we don’t get drunk and start stupid barroom brawls that day, wrap ourselves in strange tribal dresses, or blow off our fingers with patriotic fireworks.

While other holidays have their cheery, little sayings like “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Easter”, and “Erin go Bragh”,  the most common greeting on our day is “Do we get mail today?” And to me, that’s how ALL holidays should be celebrated.  (“Merry Christmas!”- “Yah…whatever.”)

Columbus was a typical, hustling paison. He sailed for the highest bidder – Queen Isabella of Spain – convincing her that he’d find the West Indies – supposedly a land of untold riches they could easily exploit. Contrary to popular opinion, he knew the world was NOT flat – he just didn’t know how big it was.

In 1492, Columbus’s three ships crashed into the Bahama Islands. They knew that wasn’t right, so they set sail again – and landed in Haiti (even then it was a horrible place to land).  A third major voyage landed in America which he then claimed he “discovered” – despite the fact that Vikings had landed ashore at least 500-years before, and the country was already populated by “Native” Americans (who may already have been dancing about looking for sites for future casinos).

So ‘Columbus Discovered America’ is a good story – but probably not historically true. Oh well, at least he “discovered” America on a Monday – giving Americans another long weekend.

Believe Half of What You See…

Sunday, October 11th, 2009

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and NOTHING of What You Hear or Read!

Remember my “Where Do We Blow Now” post?  Interesting point about senior citizens and the damage they can afflict on themselves from coughing into the crooks of their arms?  And the sources were impeccable.  The British Medical Journal – a comment from the CDC saying they weren’t ready to comment.

There’s just one problem with that post:  it’s  absolute bullshit.  I made up every word. Now why would I do that?  Simply, to remind you of the lesson above.

In a week or two, we’ll hear President Obama’s decision on the troop level in Afghanvietnam.  Loyal readers don’t have to wait – I’ll tell it to you right now.

It’s already been leaked that a complete pull-out is “off the table” – so forget that one, kids (even though it’s the only one that makes sense to me).

General McCrystal, leader of American forces in that rathole, has requested 40,000 additional troops. Supposedly, it was “leaked” to the press (read the rule above, again).

“President Peace Prize” is certainly not going to be a tool of the military-industrial complex – but he’ll allow 20,000 more troops to escalate the war. And then everyone will be happy!

The military will be happy – they probably needed only 20,000 more troops but asked for double that as a bargaining chip.

The liberals will be happy because the President is not giving in to just any old war build-up.  And say, didn’t O just announce a ban on the “don’t ask, don’t tell” gay military policy?  What a liberal guy!

The conservatives will be happy because most of them never met a war they didn’t like and O is leading us past (waaaay past!) the nine years of the war time-table (McCrystal thinks it will take at least TEN MORE years).

And the American people are happy because we’re getting a new strategy named “Restraint” which, I guess means,  if the nasty Taliban kill a few of our troops, we’re suppose to make nice with the villagers who are having trouble deciding who’s worse for them.

Everybody’s happy!  Except the families of troops killed in this hopeless war.  And me.  Oh, never mind.