Archive for October 7th, 2009

“Would You Like an Appetizer?”

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009


In Prehistoric Times, when I was in my 20’s, if you asked a woman out to a restaurant which demanded you wear shirts and shoes and used silverware, the question above had significance.  If the lady said “Yes, I’d like Clams Casino,” you’d breathe a sigh of relief.  Translated, that means, “Yeh, we’ll sleep together tonight – but I’m no cheap slut.”  And that was fine.

If you asked any of my cats the same question, they’d look at you like you had fewer IQ points than the metal can. So what’s going on here?

Well, study the picture.  The cat doesn’t seem pleased – she looks uhh, suspicious.  Exactly what are “they” going to celebrate? And the damn lady is absolutely creeping me out!

I wish the ad included small print saying, “No cats were harmed creating this advertisement.”

Shall I Pour More Wine into your Water Bowl?

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009


Anyone who knows me knows I like cats better than people. Nothing personal but chances are a cat is more interesting than you – or me – or any glam-glitzy movie starlet without a script. Cats are honest. If they like you, you’ll have one of the most fascinating friends in the world. And if they don’t like you, they have been known to develop cases of selective amnesia and immediately forget where their litter boxes are.

Honesty is big with cats. That’s why I know they burst out laughing (you can’t hear them – but I can) when they see commercials for the elegant presentations of the convoluted concoctions like you see above.

Looks good, doesn’t it? Makes you want to dive right in, right?  This one is Wild Salmon Primavera in a Classic Sauce with “garden” Veggies (as opposed, I guess, to those which are grown between the cracks of sidewalks) and greens. Ummm. These new “Elegant Medleys” are created by Purina which makes “Fancy Feast” and less expensive brands of cat food. The Purina advertisements say these selections are “restaurant inspired” –which certainly is good news for those feline connoisseurs currently eating scraps out of restaurant dumpsters.

Unfortunately, few cats will be terribly enthusiastic about the new colors in the Medley menu. You see, cats can’t see many colors; in fact, some experts claim they can’t see ANY colors. And the veggie thing? Well, some cats will eat SOME vegetables sometimes – but since they’re mainly meat-eaters, greens are more likely to be a bland afterthought or a means of aiding digestion.

Texture? Cats are far-sighted and extremely sensitive to movement so they can hunt prey. Their extraordinary sense of smell is also a hunting tool. So a clump of stationary mush with different shapes, sizes, and colors – out of a metal can – isn’t much of a feline thrill no matter what foreign, fancy adjectives you slap on the label.

So what’s the big deal here? Well, one thing is the price. You can buy a no-name brand of cat food for about 29-cents a can. The “Fancier Feasts” start up at 59-cents. And these feline culinary, memorable treasures you can barely pronounce? Over a dollar; sometimes, WAY over a dollar a can. Of course this point is moot because Fluffy isn’t picking up the tab-by anyway.

Well then, why would this product even be made? Let me answer that with another question: what’s born every minute?

Next Post: CAT APPETIZERS  (And I’m not kitten!)