Archive for October, 2009

I REALLY Want to Go to the World Series!

Thursday, October 29th, 2009


Susan Finkelstein’s Mug Shot After Her Arrest

Susan Finkelstein, 43, of Philadelphia wants to go to the World Series.  But, of course, so do thousands and thousands of other baseball fans scrambling for a very few, overpriced tickets.  So Susan decided to use her head (along with whichever parts of her body necessary) to “purchase” two tickets for herself and her husband.  She placed an ad on “Craig’s List” describing herself as a “gorgeous, tall, buxom blonde in desperate need of two World Series tickets.”  The “price” was negotiable and double entendres filled the ad.

Vigilant Pennsylvania (the “Keystone” State) cops set up a sting in a local upscale bar, busted the wannabe hooker, put on handcuffs, and charged her with “solicitating prostitution and other offenses.” A court date was not immediately set.

America – is this something on which you want to spend your tax dollars?

In my opinion, prostitution should be legalized – along with gambling and drug possession – but that’s just me.  Maybe arcane prostitution laws should be enforced when they involve minors on street corners spreading diseases to support their drug addictions and putting themselves in jeopardy with sexual maniacs.  But THIS?

I’ll bet there’s not one woman reading this post who has not “prostituted” herself – in some way – during her lifetime.  Living in a loveless marriage because it’s “for the children”? Prostitution!  In school did you ever sleep with a guy because you wanted to be more popular or go to a distant Rolling Stones concert? Prostitution!  Have you had sex with someone for drugs, clothes, dinner, or repairing your car?  Prostitution!  “Had carnal knowledge” of a man because you were tired and it was easier to say “yes” than “no”?  Hookersville!

Well, at least my friend, Ginger Lynn (#1 Female Adult Actress in the ‘80’s and in my book) balled for money and fun and doesn’t even pretend to deny it.  Could YOU be that honest?

Can’t We All Just “Search for Tomorrow”?

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009


The worst thing about starting kindergarten for me was not being able to sit on the ‘sofa’ with my Mom for 15 minutes every weekday around noon to watch “Search for Tomorrow”. I felt bad about that. I’m sure she did too.

“Search for Tomorrow” was one of the longest running soap opera on American television. It started airing on Monday, September 3, 1951 and continued until the final episode on Friday, December 26, 1986. That’s over 35-years – 9,130 episodes.

And what were the final lines – on the final show – on that day after Christmas, 1986? “Joanne Tate” the show’s star for its entire run, is asked, “What are you searching for, Joanne?” Her reply? “Tomorrow.” (MUSIC UP- FADE TO BLACK FOREVER).

It hardly seemed worth the wait. But nothing is only what it seems. I’ll never think about that dumb show without thinking of sitting on our ‘sofa’ with my Mom over a half-century ago.


“Roger – Where Did Minneapolis Go?”

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009


You know how it is with best buds sometimes.  You get to talking about the good times – the fun times – all the laughs.  You’re both relaxed.  You turn down the annoying static squawks from Flight Control and sit back a bit. The lights are already low and the muffled roar of the engines is telling you to relax – enjoy the flight – everything’s fine.  A little soft music drifts in the background.

“Is the door locked?”

“Roger.” (Smile).

(Long period of silence.)

“Hey, remember that time on Fire Island when we were so plastered we dropped the key through the grate and went pounding on doors at 4:00 AM?”

“Oh yeh!  Or that party on Key West when that “guy” said she was sure you were the pilot on the flight to Florida – but you said it was your brother?!”

“Remember when we spilled that garlic pesto sauce into the fly stick?”

(Loud laughter).

(Loong period of silence).


“We’ve been through it all, honey.  I luvya, man.”

“We should probably start that landing pattern crap now,  right?”


“Oh, SHIT………….”

Cougar vs. Cougar Hawk

Monday, October 26th, 2009


Cougar. Noun. A 35+ year old woman who is on the “hunt” for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen slinking along a swanky bar waiting, watching, calculating; gearing up to sink her claws into any  innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path.

Best Cougar line: “I have this cramp near my lower back but I can’t quite get to it in this dress.”

Cougar Hawk. Noun. A gentleman of any age who preys on cougars. The man is very knowledgeable in the ways of the cougar and is actually the predator. He often uses his insight to work the cougar while working other ladies in the room.  This is often accomplished though faux-meaningful flirting and skillfully pretending to listen.

Best Cougar Hawk line: “You are much, much too young to be a cougar.”

Worth It?

Saturday, October 24th, 2009


Iraq: Total US Killed – 4356

Afghanistan: Total US Killed – 880


Cost of Wars since 2001:

$923,970,879,617+ Billion


Putting the ‘Trick’ Back into ‘Trick or Treat’

Friday, October 23rd, 2009


Thinking of going out for Halloween in a “Balloon Boy” costume?  You won’t be alone.  Plantraco Microflight, a remote control airplane and blimp company based in Saskatchewan, Canada, is selling online an official “Balloon Boy Halloween Kit” for $19.99.  The cardboard box is a replica of the one in which the boy hid as the world feared for his life.  “It’s for the show” is the line he babbled on national television which began the investigation that unraveled the fraud.

That whole Colorado family must sprinkle LSD on their cornflakes in the morning.

Mugs, Drugs, Slugs, and Thugs

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009


If  it wasn’t for the media, I would be guilty of ignorant stereotyping.  If you only see one segment of a minority again and again, you’ll probably just assume “they” are all like that.

On weekends, I’m a part-time Doorman for the large apartment building in which I lived for 35 years.  It’s actually kind of fun and I get to see most of our residents whom I like a lot.  Many of them are Black and most have children.

Every Sunday morning, many of these families go to church and I’m always impressed with how they look and act.  The elevators open and out walk well-dressed, polite children accompanied by their parents.

“Good morning, Good morning, Mr. Frank, Good morning, beautiful day,” they pleasantly say. The kids rarely need to be prompted to say, “Thank you” if I open the door or compliment them on what they’re wearing. It reminds me of the Obama family when they’re pictured together.  If  I’m not on my guard, I could be pleasantly lulled into thinking all Black folks are like this.

But thank goodness for the media!  At least once a week they flash the face of some low-life loser who happens to be Black.  And if I need any help remembering that all Black folk aren’t like the ones around me every weekend, on comes Maury Povitch and the screen is filled with some gangsta-wannabe who’s pollinating his neighborhood like a brain-damaged bee.

What do all these Black people have in common?  Well…..uh, they’re all Black. But then again, so are my Cats.

Nice Trunk. 1976.

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009


A lot of people don’t know that steamer shipping trunks in the 17- and 1800’s had rounded tops so sailors couldn’t stack them on top of each other. Now you know.

Joan Rivers (has had so many face lifts….

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009


…she smiles when she sits down.)

And what does she think of  “Poka” players?  “Her? The sign said, ‘Wet Floor’ – so she did.”

US Cost of Both Wars Since 2001:

Tuesday, October 20th, 2009

$922,498,206,095+ Billion

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