Archive for September 30th, 2009

Big Mac……145 miles

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

mcd_us_high_9_25

There are over 13,000 McDonald’s restaurants in the US. Somewhere in South Dakota is the place in the US geographically most removed from the nearest McDonalds. If you started out from this location, a few miles north of State Highway 20 (which runs between Highways 73 in the west and 65 in the east), you’d have to travel 145 miles to get a Big Mac.  And that’s just one more reason the United States should drop from our roster  South Dakota, South Carolina, and West Virginia too.  We no longer have enough money to collect “doubles”.

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Cell Hell

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

imagesI went to lunch with my ex-wife “T” a few weeks ago.  It was great seeing her and we had a few laughs – and then my cell phone came up.  I hate cell phones and never had one until five months ago when a friend gave me a fancy one because I lost my car. I was supposed to use it for emergencies and bus schedules and all I wanted to on nights and weekends.  I never really like calling anyone.  It’s always a bother – to me.  For all these months, I’ve used it five, maybe six times – and no one has ever called me on it.  “T” asked for my cell phone number.

“I don’t know what it is,” I truthfully said.

“You don’t know what your number is?  Well then how can you expect anyone to call – obviously, no one else knows it either.”

“I don’t expect people to call,” I said, “I don’t even want people to call.  I never answer my phone at home – I know too many nuts.”  T quickly agreed. She played with a lot of buttons on my phone but couldn’t come up with the number.

“OK,” she said, “you call me on my cell phone and it will tell us the number.”  Great idea.  It didn’t work. It seems my number is “anonymous” to anyone I call.  She couldn’t “unblock” it – I really didn’t care.

In the early ‘70’s, I was one of the first on my block to get a telephone answering machine.  I rank it right up there with the wheel, the electric light bulb, and vulcanized rubber in terms of mankind’s greatest hits.  I wish I’d saved over 30-years of my recordings. Many of them would go like this:

“Pick up the damn phone, you sonofabitch!  I know you’re sitting there listening!”