Archive for September 17th, 2009

Chick Chat

Thursday, September 17th, 2009


Women are so cool!  Today on the bus, I was already seated when two women got on board. The younger one looked to be in her mid-20’s; the older one seemed mid-50’s.  Both had blond hair but the younger one’s looked natural. The older lady talked all the way down the aisle behind her friend who slid into the seat in front of me. Friend immediately put her back to the window and looked at her chatty companion.

The older one continued her rant.  “So Ginny – you remember Ginny? Rob’s secretary who said she went to Cornell for pre-med but- of course, she didn’t.  Like, (changing her voice) “I went to medical school but now I’m a secretary in a bank because I’m too dumb to be a teller….”

Wow, I thought, that woman just slipped in a quote with a different voice – plus a tangent – and a question – with just half a breath.  She’s machine-gunning her friend with verbal punctuation marks!  But her friend was the perfect woman listener.  She tilted her head and looked at the older woman intensely. She nodded a few times.  And she raised her eye brows and pursed her lips when it was appropriate.

Of course I know I, and just about every other man you know, would have ALREADY said:

– “Could you just give me the Readers Digest version?”    or

– “Is this going to take long?” or

– “Can we just cut to the chase?” or (on extreme occasions) . . .

– “ Hold up – you must have me confused with someone who gives a shit.”

But the younger blond really seemed INTERESTED in this drivel!  She just wasn’t being polite, she cared – she wanted to hear the babbling bullshit.

I then remembered a pop psychology book from years ago which said women communicated in “rapport” talk (I feel you. I understand completely. We’re just alike.) And men delivered “report” talk (‘How was your day?’ “Fine” – picks up newspaper.)

I remember my ex-wife T. and I started discussing this book over dinner a long time ago.  After our loud argument, we didn’t talk to each other for the rest of the night. (Which means I “won”!)

Women learn to speak even better at:


Cheaters Never Win and Vegas Never Cheats

Thursday, September 17th, 2009


It happened again this week. Some friends came back from Las Vegas and the guy said about the dumbest thing any tourist can say, “We had a great time but we shouldn’t have gone into the casinos. I lost about $700 gambling. The casinos never lose – they cheat.”


I pretended to cough to keep from laughing. “The bastards!  How did they cheat you?” The response? “I don’t know, Franco. They rig the slot machines – they use marked decks for “21” (when a “gambler” calls Blackjack – “21”, you kinda know the guy isn’t playing for super high stakes). Whatever they do, you never leave the casino a winner! That’s how they keep these joints open.”

In conversations like this, I swear I spend about three quarters of the time trying NOT to burst out laughing. Sometimes I bite my lip; sometimes I cough. Sometimes I just try to think grim, horrible thoughts. What is it about me?  Am I a magnet for stupid people?

“Were you ever ahead?” I  innocently asked.

Sheepish grin, “Oh yeh, at one point I was ahead about $300.”

Me: “Well, why didn’t you just walk out of the casino then – with their money?”

“Oh, you know how it is. I thought I was on a streak…..blah, blah, blah”.

I smiled. He now had to hear the Franco “You Are Such an Ungrateful Slob!” lecture which goes something like this:

“Las Vegas doesn’t cheat because IT DOESN’T HAVE TO CHEAT, YOU IDIOT! They tell you exactly what they make in percentages. They make roughly 10-20% of a GAZILLON gaming dollars every hour – 24 hours a day. Why the hell would they cheat and risk losing the trust of their revenue base?”

“The world has about 6-billion people in it. 3-billion of whom went to bed hungry last night. Yesterday, over 40,000 children died from starvation and disease. You just came back from a wonderful 4-day/ 3-night warm vacation. You stayed at one of the world’s premier hotels and ate at fancy restaurants with your lovely lady. You saw a Hollywood star (I already forgot which one) and gambled like James Bond in a few nice casinos. A jet plane took you 2000 miles and back – in just a few hours.”

“And for all of this, you paid about one and a half percent of your combined yearly income – and you’re whining! If there were a god in heaven who believed in justice, your friggin’ jet would have been hit by a damn lightening bolt at your first complaint!”

“And, not for nothing, your crummy $700 might have kept the lights on in ONE casino for about an hour and a half. Somehow!….they might have limped through the night without the money they STOLE from you.”