Archive for August, 2009

We Prefer Smoothies Too, Honey

Wednesday, August 19th, 2009

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Forever Young

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

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Sometimes I like to look at vintage erotica. Of course the pictures really aren’t erotic, the photography isn’t very good, and the poses are silly by today’s standards. But they’re still fascinating to me.

Who were these women? Obviously they’re all dead now – unless they lived to be older than a hundred. But imagine how scandalous and shameful these pictures were at the turn of the century – even in Europe. Were the women prostitutes? Unwed mothers in need  of money? Drug addicts?

The most compelling parts of the images are the womens’ faces. Rarely do they look into the camera. Are they hiding from us their most vulnerable features – their eyes?

I hope many years after they posed, when they lived in old lady bodies, they had a chance to again see themselves in these pictures. By that time, the shame would be gone and they knew they would also die soon. And they would leave to this world forever – a beautiful image of themselves.

I hope that made them smile.

Don’t Think – Just Read the Label

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

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In America, everything you eat or drink out of a container must have a nutrition label in accordance with strict US FDA guidelines. Normally that’s a good thing. If your kids like some sort of “frosted” cereal, the label will probably tell you the flakes are over 50% sugar – or fructose sweetener or corn syrup –  something like that.

Actually, if you’re the frugal sort, you could buy a pound of no-name, corn flakes on the cheap, then dump a 1/2 pound of sugar on them, shake it up, and serve. If you do an impersonation of Tony the Tiger (or whichever cartoon shill is hawking the crap on TV) you’ll enhance your kid’s cereal-eating experience. This usually works for kids under two – after that you’ll probably have to spring for the real thing.

One problem with arbitrary rules is there aren’t any logical exceptions. What’s good for the flake must also be good for the water.

Water?

Right, water. Each bottle of fancy water must have a nutrition label on it. From Poland Springs to Evian (which is naive spelled backwards – you knew that, right?) they have to be labeled so consumers can make healthy choices. Not surprisingly, they all look pretty much alike:

Calories? Uh, 0 – it’s water.
Carbohydrates? Yup, 0% – it’s water.
Fat? Right again. 0% – and you know why.

I don’t know why I get annoyed at stuff like this. I just have a problem with stupid rules that don’t make sense – especially from the government.  It could be a genetic thing.

Lots of water at:

www.PresentationsUnplugged.com

Carving in wood . . .

Monday, August 17th, 2009

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…like they never taught us in Boy Scouts.

Carving a Great Presentation? Visit:

www.PresentationsUnplugged.com


Human Mutations

Sunday, August 16th, 2009

I had a horrific picture of dog-fighting here.  I can’t stand looking at it any longer.  I hope it helped make my point.

Frank Garcia, 35, a registered nurse in Western New York, recently went on a day-long murder spree that included killing four adults and in one couple’s case, insisting their teenage children listen to those torture murders, made them beg for their own lives, and then demanded they thank him when he let the kids live.

Garcia was convicted of two of the murders and undoubtedly will be guilty of the other two. He will be locked away forever because he’s a human mutant – someone who is so beyond our realm of reality, we can never let him near people again.

Michael Vick is a star, professional football player who signed a deal to play for  $135-million dollars.  But he also had other activities.  For over six years he ran a    dog-fighting club (mockingly called ‘Bad News Kennels’) and delighted in hanging, electrocuting, and bludgeoning to death dogs who could not or would not fight hard enough. He also satisfied his blood lust by tossing to his ferocious pit bulls for play, household pets and old dogs who were unwanted.

After serving only a year and a half in prison, Vick found the lord, now speaks to kid groups about animal cruelty, and just signed a million-dollar plus contract with the Philadelphia Eagles.  Although he is getting a second chance, I suggest to you that Michael Vick is also a human mutant who should never be around people again.

There will be some people who say I’m treating the murder of animals on a par with the murder of human beings.  That’s not true.  I’m not looking at either of these cases through the eyes of the victims – I’m trying to imagine the world through the eyes of these murderers.

And I simply can’t.  Neither, I’ll bet can you.  What kind of monster would take pleasure in the bloody torture, suffering, and killing of helpless creatures?  A mutant.  A diseased bad seed. A rabid animal.

Do you think Vick deserves the second chance he’s getting?  Well maybe we should give one to Frank Garcia too.  Let’s start by putting them around your family or pets.

Our sponsor refuses to put his link on the same page as these animals.

Really Lousy Writing

Sunday, August 16th, 2009

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Every year, English teachers from across the country submit examples of their students’ WORST writing.

1. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

2. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

3. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

4. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

5. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

6. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

7. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

8. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

9. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

10. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

Someone who hates lousy writing as much as his own sins can be found at:

www.PresentationsUnplugged.com


Favorite Cartoon:

Saturday, August 15th, 2009

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Favorite Joke:

An older man goes to bed with a much younger woman and is pretty proud of himself.

“Am I the first man you were ever with?” he asks.

The girl squints and says, “Could be, Mister. I thought you looked familiar.”

No Incumbents

Thursday, August 13th, 2009

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Voting in November’s election should be easy: figure out who presently holds the office and vote for his opponent.  Our founding fathers never anticipated career politicians.  They thought it would be a sacrifice (hence “public service”) for people to take a break from their successful vocations such as farmers, lawyers, writers, inventors, and generals  – and “give” 2 or 4 years of their lives to help manage the government.

Could they have possibly imagined that our legislative domes would be filled with incompetent numbskulls who start raising money for their next election the day after winning their last one?  These nitwits  have one idea in mind: stay in office.  Don’t help them!

One sponsor who won’t contribute to any incumbent’s campaign:

www.PresentationsUnplugged.com


The World’s Most Expensive Burger: $185.00

Tuesday, August 11th, 2009

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Cheese… Add $30.00

Last year, when I wrote about The Hard Rock Hotel, I spoke of my hotel ritual of ordering a Cheeseburger from Room Service before I unpacked. Most people were a little stunned when I said the bill came to $31.20. I was too. Now it seems that burger could have come off the ‘Dollar Menu’ compared to Burger King’s ultimate, “The Burger.”

This expensive, culinary masteriece is available only at a West London branch of the Burger King chain. The world’s most expensive hamburger is made with Wagyu beef (an exclusive, high quality beef known worldwide for its marbling characteristics) and decked with white truffles, onion tempura prepared in Cristal champagne, and Italy’s finest prosciutto. It’s served on a bun of Iranian saffron. All proceeds from the sandwich will benefit a local charity, Help A London Child.

It’s suggested you pre-order “The Burger” by phone. You might not want to stand in line for the time it takes to prepare – especially if you have to have  it “Your Way”.


French fries are free at:

www.PresentationsUnplugged.com

Playing Footsie With Reality

Sunday, August 9th, 2009

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There’s just not a lot of good news out there these days.  Maybe that’s why we get a kick about any story that isn’t a disaster – like the story of a – human foot – found on a conveyer belt at a recycling plant in Seneca, a small town in upstate New York, last Monday night.

Naturally the workers at Casella Waste Management were quite concerned when they saw the foot coming down the line. Are human body parts recyclable?  Was the rest of the body on its way? Was somebody just putting his best foot forward and keeping the rest?

As rumors ran rampant, law enforcement and county officials called the media for a press conference. They looked grim. Yes, initial medical reports said the foot was human and only partially decomposed. Yes, we’re sending it the Monroe County Medical Examiner’s Office for DNA confirmation. No, it has not been determined if it’s a male or female foot. No, we don’t know if it’s from a child or an adult.

Please people, they said, stop calling the police with reports of missing persons until we kick this thing around a bit and see what’s up.  Casella Waste gets refuse from 15 New York counties and parts of Canada – we’ve got to check all of them.  Yes, we’re on our toes down here – we know what we’re doing.

By Tuesday the crisis was peaking.  The plant was closed and inspectors were all over the place like smell on garbage. Then, a shocking development!  The foot was tracked to Canada – specifically to a load from a recycling centre on New Toronto Street, near Lake Shore Boulevard.  The Toronto Homicide Department stepped in.

“It could only be one of two things: medical waste or foul play,” said Toronto police Staff Sgt. David Vickers.  Uh oh.

The kicker came on Thursday.

“After days of DNA testing, we’ve determined that what we have is not a human foot – but probably the foot of a black bear,” said Seneca Sheriff Philip Povero. Oops – a bear foot – not a bare foot!  How embearassing! At least now Toronto Police could refocus their investigation to search for a large, black bear hopping around their city.

And what can we learn from this drama?  Something computer geeks taught us long ago  – “Garbage In – Garbage Out”.

Footloose but neither fancy nor free:

wwwPresentationsUnplugged.com