Archive for August 4th, 2009

Mammary Hypocrisy

Tuesday, August 4th, 2009


You’ve heard the story by now.  Some cheating nitwit in Wisconsin got lured into a motel room by one of his girlfriends and decided to let her tie him up. Once he was bound, (Surprise!) out came his wife and a few of his other mistresses to strip him, beat him up, and Super-Glue his penis to his stomach.

In a nation of 350-million people, of course you will find a small percentage of intellectually-mutant animals who pretend to be people.  When they get together, the results will not be good.

The news and talk shows are having a field day with this story.  Kathie Lee Gifford just about wet her panties drooling over the details this morning.  A woman newscaster on the Today Show spat out her teleprompted words in disgust. Both benefitted from the dual advantage of titillating their voyeuristic viewers and condemning – yet, almost approving, that act of revenge.

Years ago, Mrs. John Wayne Bobbit sliced off her husband’s penis for cheating and I was shocked at many women’s reaction – most were delighted! Oprah laughed about it on her show and half her audience jumped up with loud, approving applause.  Well, that’s what cheaters get, right?

That same week my Lady and I were at a well-dressed party and in a talking group of about 7 or 8 people. One of the women could barely contain herself! She laughed over details of the mutilation and then said, “Well, that’s what he gets!”

“Right!”  I chimed in, “And if a woman cheats, we should just cut off her breasts.”

Stunned silence.  A few of the people walked away, those who stayed stared at their shoes, and my Lady asked to see me, “in the kitchen.”  To me, the hypocrisy hung like a strong, foul odor in the room.

I believe animals – whether male or female – belong in zoos.  And if the zoos won’t take them, certainly our prison system should.

Mirrors, anyone?

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Drowning In The Gene Pool

Tuesday, August 4th, 2009


“Get back, you little bastards!”

I will spare you the unhappy details but yesterday I was kind of forced into a conversation with a few of the guys from my building. I’m usually not too big on talking to guys. When it comes to sports, I’m just about Jewish. I don’t know much about TV or music or cars or I-Anythings – so that pretty much puts me on the sidelines for talks with men.

I’m sorry but the average guy is nice but kind of dumb. And by the very definition of average, half of us are even dumber than that. There are a lot of nice, dumb guys wandering around. You can find them in factories and offices and hundreds of them in Congress.

But I much prefer talking to women because of the instant gratification I get . If I say something intelligent or clever, they perk right up – and if I say something perceptive or caring, they look at me like I walked off a spaceship. I kind of like that – it’s still all about me but with polished silverware.

Anyway, I was kind of forced into this all-male talk fest and the subject of kids comes up. Right away I could tell this just wasn’t going to be my lucky day. I mean I really don’t mind kids – if they’re somebody else’s’ – and live somewhere else – and I’m not there. But I’m proud of the fact that I was one of the first men in my county to have a vasectomy before having children – almost 30-years ago. Of course this conversation was not about NOT having children – it was all about the DUTY of having them. Uh-oh.

The least evolved of the group spoke loudest:

“I gotta have a son to carry on my Family Line.”

Now the only “line” with which I would associate this guy and his family is the line at the Department of Social Services where he would need help filling out the application. If all of this guys’ offspring mutated into plants and vegetables, our gene pool would be a nicer place in which to swim. Of course I didn’t say all this – but I thought it.

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