Archive for July 26th, 2009

“Once in Love…” With Amy

Sunday, July 26th, 2009


Not my beautiful, “twin” Amy (whom I’ll love always), but Amy Alkon, “The Advice Goddess” now syndicated in over 100 newspapers nationwide.

Ms. Alkon delivers pleasantly-snarky, hilarious, and psychologically sound advice to stumbling nitwits cluelessly in love. Her common sense psychology principles come from the brilliant Dr. Albert Ellis, inventor of Rational-Emotive-Thinking and the only god I ever worshipped (“So your Mother breastfed you through a straw 45-years ago. Who cares? You’re screwing up your own life today!”)

Here’s a taste of Amy (so to speak):

Some doofy guy writes that he sees his ex-wife (for over 10-years) now has long hair and beautiful nails. Those are things he asked her to grow while they were married but she wouldn’t because she couldn’t get them past the “awkward stage”.  Of course the now “happily-married” nitwit wants to call wife #1 and ask why she couldn’t do that for him?

Amy’s reply?

The “awkward stage” is what you enter when you ring up your ex-wife and ask why she was such a nervous, nail-biting hag back when you were together.  Sometimes a hairstyle is just a hairstyle and not a coded message: “L’Oreal, because I’m worth it. Short hair and all-you-can-eat nails? Because you’re not.”

Men, across cultures, seem hard-wired to prefer long hair. Sure, Natalie Portman can shave her head and have men drool.  But it’s the rare man who’d throw her out of bed if she slipped in with a big, rotting ham hock balanced on her skull.

If you truly are 10-years into a happy marriage, you might just accept that while hair and nails do not continue growing after death, they often grow like crazy after a divorce.

Could any nit truly be this dumb? You can hear questions like that just before closing time in any gin joint in America – but you can hear answers like that only from Amy Alkon, the “Advice Goddess” (sometimes pictured kissing a glass toad).

For readers here in Rochester, NY, you can catch Amy every week in the “insider” our cool entertainment guide.  Let them know how much you enjoy the lady.

A collection of her columns?

For all my overseas readers (especially those of you in the UK who appreciate my tongue-in-cheeky humor) tell your editors about her.  You can reach her at: We’ll be glad to share her with you.