Archive for May 24th, 2009

Memorial Day: Don’t Forget to Thank a Grill

Sunday, May 24th, 2009


Are you having a cookout today? Many Americans do because it’s a tradition – and you “do” traditions whether you want to or not.  People who mindlessly, unthinkingly accept traditions are called “sheeple”. And there are plenty of herds in America.

The husband (usually) drags out the Webber grill, fills it with old charcoal (vintage: Memorial Day, 2008), dumps on too much lighter fluid (a definite lack of creativity naming this product), lights it, and then jumps back from the 2-foot flames.

“I’ll be ready for those burgers in about 10-minutes!” he shouts to his eye-rolling wife who is just thankful he didn’t set the house on fire. Then Dad grabs another beer – his third. He thinks, “if I can just get through this shit before 1:00 PM, I can still catch the first inning of the Yankee game”. The kids groan when they see a backyard inferno like they haven’t seen since the newscasts of the California wildfires. Ahh, charred rawhide for dinner again this year. The charcoal briquettes might be easier to eat.

“MOM! Can we go to McDonalds?”

”No!” she yells back. “We’re a family – and families cook and eat outdoors together on Memorial Day. It’s important to your Father.”

Louder groans. “Why?” one yells.

“God friggin’ knows…,” she thinks as she scoops salads onto serving plates from plastic containers bought at Wegmans.

“Go set the table! Use the paper plates and plastic silverware.” More groans. Even before the kids find the long lost picnic supplies, the wind picks up and a new species of aggressive fly is attracted to the smell of burning meat. Finally the family is seated. Paper plates are held down by mayonnaise salads and one hand – as the other tries to shoo away the unrelenting pests.

And despite the fact that everything on the grill is now uniformly burnt to a crispy black, Dad asks the punch line question, “How would you like your burger?”

(A few people got upset today when this post appeared in “This isn’t how we’re supposed to celebrate Memorial Day!” they whined. No shit, Sherlocks – it’s called satire. To see how I really feel about Memorial Day, please read my previous post, “The United Stakes of Halliburton.”)