Archive for April, 2009

He Who Laughs Last …

Monday, April 13th, 2009

 

In Victorian England, there were many things about Dr. William Palmer on which everyone agreed: he was overly fond of women, gambling, most types of fraud, and he was heavily in debt.

The thing on which people could not agree was if he was or was not – a serial, strychnine murderer who killed more than a dozen people including his wife, his mother-in-law, four out of five of his children, and a half dozen other people he knew.

One reason the English were divided on Palmer was because strychnine was a new, relatively uncommon drug, never before introduced in court as a tool of murder. However when Dr. Palmer and his little bottle of clear liquid were around, an awful lot of people started dropping dead with the same symptoms. Finally, a jury decided the issue by finding him guilty of at least one murder and sentencing him to death by public hanging.

On June 14, 1856, Dr. Palmer was led up the stairs of the gallows and demonstrated at least one more trait on which everyone could agree: the guy had a great sense of humor. At the top step, Palmer put one foot on the scaffolding, turned to the guard and said, “Are you sure this thing is safe?”

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Americans: Sluts of Glut

Friday, April 10th, 2009

If gluttony really were a deadly sin, few people in the US would remain standing. We all know it – we eat too much. If the world’s food supply were a buffet line, it would be a good idea to jump in ahead of the human vacuums called Americans. We’d smash the damn sneeze guards to get one more gulp and swallow of the meatloaf and gravy, mashed potatoes, candied yams, and pecan pie. Hell, even one of our national holidays, Thanksgiving, is dedicated to pigging out. One of our most endearing patriotic refrains is “make sure you save room for dessert!”

In this country, women eat just as much as men but they’re sneakier about it and pretend they’re on diets to justify their bad moods. They want their pint and a half of blue cheese dressing “on the side” so they can drown their own lettuce leaves and pretend they’re watching their weight. But guys – have you ever seen one drop left in the empty cup that carries that caloric overdose?

And what about their questions? Like, “Is the turkey salad fresh or did it come from a roll?” Honest waitress answer? “Look honey, Chico made it the night Obama got elected and who the hell knows where he got the damn turkey? There’s a gallon and a half of it left in the cooler and Irving says we gotta push it.”

Easter’s just about here and millions of pigs have made the ultimate sacrifice so we in America can carry on the mindless tradition of a holiday ham. Has anyone ever questioned why ham is the ‘course d’main d’ jour’? Non? I understand turkey on Thanksgiving because that was the only animal slow enough for the Pilgrims to catch and the Indians didn’t want – but pigs? What do they have to do with Mr. Christ coming back for an encore? Mud? Ribs (like in Adam’s and babyback?) Who knows? But I do know no one ever suggests ‘Easter Prime Rib’’, ‘Lobster Resurrect’, or ‘Roll-Away Stone Clams’.

That’s too bad because one half of the world’s 6-billion people go to bed hungry every night, Madonna’s orphaned 3-year old is not getting an extra bowl of rice and roaches on Easter, and Jews and Muslims would starve to death before eating one of the pigs – “no pork on our fork”. Well who cares anyway? What do you want from me – a Happy Meal?

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You Can’t Walk to Nowhere

Thursday, April 9th, 2009

(Yes, my calves are this big. No, it’s not an indication of anything else.)

Doctors have been telling me to walk for years. Most out of their offices – some for exercise. “Exercise?” I’d say patting my stomach, “How could I maintain a body like this if I exercised?”  That would most often end the discussion along with the usual eye roll or head shaking.

C’mon! Why would I walk? I’ve had a car for over 40-years. That’s why you get a car – so you don’t have to walk, right? And whenever anyone mentions ‘exercise’, I think of Mark Twain saying, “Whenever I get the urge to exercise, I lie down until it passes.”

Of course I haven’t had a car for over a month now so I ride the bus (still a delightful trip) – or walk. I walk to where no bus goes. I walk when I’m impatient for the bus to come and try to make it to the next stop. I walk to the stops since they’re not on nearly enough corners for us lazy people. I walk when there’s a long line of snotty kids or raging teens. Or old people who’ll make me wait until my next birthday as they do their impersonations of crawling molasses. As the weather gets nicer, I seem to think up more excuses – to walk. Incredible.

I finally have to admit it. I like to walk. I especially like the fact I lost over 20-pounds this month but it’s more than that. I used to walk everywhere when I was a kid. To and from school. To town and back – sometimes twice in a day. To my girlfriend’s house (Well, she really didn’t know she was my girlfriend – but I figured if I kept walking around her block countless times, she’d get the hint. She didn’t.) I used to walk everywhere. I’m doing it again (walking – not trying to impress a 12-year old girl).

So why is walking a big deal now and it was just boring exercise for so many years? I’ve discovered the secret: you’ve got to walk TO somewhere – a destination. I can’t just stroll, amble, perambulate, or (please!) slow down to smell the flowers. I’m not doing it for my health – that’s just a side benefit. I’m walking to GO SOMEWHERE.

And that’s where you’ve got to go if you want to successfully walk – somewhere (and back).

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1959. When Men Were Men and Women Were Thankful

Wednesday, April 8th, 2009

Al Kickurass

Monday, April 6th, 2009

These groaners are actual, legal names of people living in the United States.  One hopes the people here share the same sense of humor as their misguided parents

Abbie Seenia

Abe L. Tuwok

Abner Period

Acassa Beer

Achilles Punks

Ada Burger

Adam Pimple

Al Beback

Al K. Seltzer

Al Kaholic

Ben Thair

Bennett DeWaist

Bernadette Bra

Bertha D. Blues

Bess Twishes

Betty B. Ready

Betty Wowntshow

Bill Lowney

Bjorn Free

Bonnie Contention

Brock Lee Spears

Buck N. Bronco

Burnett D’Stake

Stop Smoking or We Shoot the Kid

Friday, April 3rd, 2009

Anti-Smoking ads are becoming crazier – and more annoying. I’ve never smoked – but I support an adult’s freedom of choice. I don’t think we should “protect” adults from themselves. But screaming, histrionic anti-smoking freaks don’t agree. I think it’s fine to discuss the dangers and foolishness of smoking in schools – but these nuts have gone way too far! For them, Smoking Ends! justify the means.

On TV, I’ve seen enough rotting lungs, amputated limbs, and dismal doctors delivering devastating diagnosis’s to last me a lifetime which, I’m told, will go on much longer without those little cancer sticks- maybe. OK – I get it. But these damn campaigns won’t quit in a race to shock and shame smokers with grosser and grosser ads.

The latest? A television spot showing a little boy and his Mom in a crowded train station. Mom walks away. Kid is surrounded by hurrying adults. Abandoned kid bursts out crying and the idiot announcer says something like “this is a child without his Mother for a few seconds. Imagine how he would feel if she were to leave forever.”

The best? Although the little kid and his Mom are actors, the Mom REALLY DID walk away and the kid REALLY DID burst out crying – all caught on the 5 running cameras. Oh well, what’s a little kid’s panic compared to saving people from the perils of smoking?

I think I have a better idea since we’re sliding down this slope anyway. Instead of bullying small children, why don’t these fanatical, anti-smoking terrorists agree to commit suicide on live TV if a certain number of people quit smoking? We could call it, “We’ll Quit Living If You Quit Smoking.”

I’d call that a “Win-Win” for everyone.

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Strange Facts Known by Few

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

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Gary Gilmore (executed in 1977)  was “most likely” the illegitimate grandson of magician Harry Houdini.

Strange Facts Known by Few

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

Practically all official police handcuffs can be opened by the same key.

Richard says:

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

“Your President is not a crook.”

Marsha says:

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

Why do dead people ride in such nice cars? That can piss you off if you’re on the bus.