Archive for April 10th, 2009

Americans: Sluts of Glut

Friday, April 10th, 2009

If gluttony really were a deadly sin, few people in the US would remain standing. We all know it – we eat too much. If the world’s food supply were a buffet line, it would be a good idea to jump in ahead of the human vacuums called Americans. We’d smash the damn sneeze guards to get one more gulp and swallow of the meatloaf and gravy, mashed potatoes, candied yams, and pecan pie. Hell, even one of our national holidays, Thanksgiving, is dedicated to pigging out. One of our most endearing patriotic refrains is “make sure you save room for dessert!”

In this country, women eat just as much as men but they’re sneakier about it and pretend they’re on diets to justify their bad moods. They want their pint and a half of blue cheese dressing “on the side” so they can drown their own lettuce leaves and pretend they’re watching their weight. But guys – have you ever seen one drop left in the empty cup that carries that caloric overdose?

And what about their questions? Like, “Is the turkey salad fresh or did it come from a roll?” Honest waitress answer? “Look honey, Chico made it the night Obama got elected and who the hell knows where he got the damn turkey? There’s a gallon and a half of it left in the cooler and Irving says we gotta push it.”

Easter’s just about here and millions of pigs have made the ultimate sacrifice so we in America can carry on the mindless tradition of a holiday ham. Has anyone ever questioned why ham is the ‘course d’main d’ jour’? Non? I understand turkey on Thanksgiving because that was the only animal slow enough for the Pilgrims to catch and the Indians didn’t want – but pigs? What do they have to do with Mr. Christ coming back for an encore? Mud? Ribs (like in Adam’s and babyback?) Who knows? But I do know no one ever suggests ‘Easter Prime Rib’’, ‘Lobster Resurrect’, or ‘Roll-Away Stone Clams’.

That’s too bad because one half of the world’s 6-billion people go to bed hungry every night, Madonna’s orphaned 3-year old is not getting an extra bowl of rice and roaches on Easter, and Jews and Muslims would starve to death before eating one of the pigs – “no pork on our fork”. Well who cares anyway? What do you want from me – a Happy Meal?