Archive for February 26th, 2009

Can’t We Just Spay the Bitch?

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Octopussy wants to have more kids. Say what? That’s right. Nadya Suleman, 33, the woman who has six kids at home in Whittier, California (hometown of Richard Nixon) and who recently spit out eight more, has decided she wants to get pregnant again.

HEY, O-Pussy! You haven’t even played with the ones you’ve got now! What are you talking about? And – thankfully – there’s a good chance the hospital might not release your most recent spawn anyway. Why? Three quick, good reasons: the infants have significant medical problems, the home (your Mom’s) where you plan to live with your herd of 14, will probably be foreclosed in a few weeks – and (no offense) you’re a friggin’ whack job.

BUT- there’s a California, non-profit outfit dedicated to providing free housing and medical care for fragile, premature infants. The Agency, “Angels in Waiting” gave you an offer to completely care for your babies PLUS YOUR OTHER SIX KIDS about two weeks ago. So far you have not chosen to accept the offer and the deadline is tonight. ARE YOU FREAKIN’ NUTS?!

Look, Petri-dish Mama – this is a way to keep your family together and you don’t have any other good options. I hope you are not taking seriously the offer from Vivid Video (I couldn’t make this stuff up….) to do sex tapes for them. From what you’ve said, you’re even repulsed by having sex to have children (hence the artificial insemination.) Something tells me balling strangers with ‘Lights-Camera-ACTION!’ ambiance probably would not enhance the experience for you one little bit.

Now a Los Angeles lawyer has filed a complaint with the Department of Children and Family Services in Los Angeles County, asking it to open an investigation into whether you – divorced and unemployed – could care for all the kids on your own. If social workers determine there is a risk to the babies’ health, they could block their release indefinitely, at which point local authorities would step in.

So Honey, TAKE THE OFFER! If you need more fame, go on American Idol or the professional speaking circuit for anti-abortion advocates. But please do what’s best for your children- ALL of them.