Archive for February 20th, 2009

Shall I Pour More Wine into your Water Bowl?

Friday, February 20th, 2009

Anyone who knows me knows I like cats better than people. Nothing personal but chances are a cat is more interesting than you – or me – or any glam-glitzy movie starlet without a script. Cats are honest. If they like you, you’ll have one of the most fascinating friends in the world. And if they don’t like you, they have been known to develop cases of selective amnesia and immediately forget where their litter boxes are.

Honesty is big with cats. That’s why I know they burst out laughing (you can’t hear them – but I can) when they see commercials for the elegant presentations of the convoluted concoctions like you see above.

Looks good, doesn’t it? Makes you want to dive right in, right?  This one is Wild Salmon Primavera in a Classic Sauce with “garden” Veggies (as opposed, I guess, to those which are grown between the cracks of sidewalks) and greens. Ummm. These new “Elegant Medleys” are created by Purina which makes “Fancy Feast” and less expensive brands of cat food. The Purina advertisements say these selections are “restaurant inspired” –which certainly is good news for those feline connoisseurs currently eating scraps out of restaurant dumpsters.

Unfortunately, few cats will be terribly enthusiastic about the new colors in the Medley menu. You see, cats can’t see many colors; in fact, some experts claim they can’t see ANY colors. And the veggie thing? Well, some cats will eat SOME vegetables sometimes – but since they’re mainly meat-eaters, greens are more likely to be a bland afterthought or a means of aiding digestion.

Texture? Cats are far-sighted and extremely sensitive to movement so they can hunt prey. Their extraordinary sense of smell is also a hunting tool. So a clump of stationary mush with different shapes, sizes, and colors – out of a metal can – isn’t much of a feline thrill no matter what foreign, fancy adjectives you slap on the label.

So what’s the big deal here? Well, one thing is the price. You can buy a no-name brand of cat food for about 29-cents a can. The “Fancier Feasts” start up at 59-cents. And these feline culinary, memorable treasures you can barely pronounce? Over a dollar; sometimes, WAY over a dollar a can. Of course this point is moot because Fluffy isn’t picking up the tab-by anyway.

Well then, why would this product even be made? Let me answer that with another question: what’s born every minute?


If You Have an Erection That Lasts Longer than 4-Hours…

Friday, February 20th, 2009

…See Your Doctor.

(Note the Optimistic Angle of this Pill)

Oh, right. You’ve got to hand it to the Cialis people. They take a supposed “health risk” – which is just about every guy’s sexual fantasy – and “warn” you about it every chance they get. The medical term for an erection which won’t go down is ‘priapism’ – and a medical dictionary is the closest I’ve ever come to it.

The name comes from the Greek god Priapus, referring to the myth that he was punished by the other gods for attempting to rape a goddess, by being given a huge, but useless, set of wooden genitals. The definition is from Wikipedia – and a more detailed definition from that source does not include any other references to wood.

Priapism is supposed to be a serious medical emergency. So after 4-hours, you’re supposed to call your Doctor. I don’t think so! There’s a LONG list of women I would call first – since college….

“Laurie? This is Frank Paolo – right – Frank Paolo from college – remember? Yah, well remember that night after the feminist rally and you told me all men were pigs? And, uh, I agreed and said I didn’t want to have sex with you because I didn’t want to treat you just like a middle-class slut? Well, I really did, but I couldn’t, ya see..but NOW…uhhh, look, I’m only an hour and a half away from you…ya, I know it’s late but….. Laurie? Hello? Hello?”

“Cindy? Oh, you’re her – granddaughter? Hmm. Well look – I’m a real old friend of your Mom’s – uh, your Grandma’s – and is she there, please? Paolo. Frank Paolo. Oh. Well look, uh, how old didja say you were, honey’? Hello? Hello?”

“Pammy? Frank Paolo!……. Hello?”

“Elizabeth? Frank Paolo here. Yeh, really. Gosh – I was thinking about the silliest thing. Remember that night in New York and we were just lying there – uh, kind of not doing anything and you looked down at me and said, “You can’t think of anyone else either, huh?” Well…yeh…that was pretty funny. I….you’re still laughing over that, huh? Yeh, me too. Well would you stop laughing for a minute here because ……”

“Dr. Rubin? Frank Paolo here. I took Cialis a few hours ago and I’m having a problem….”