Archive for November 27th, 2008

Lust on the List

Thursday, November 27th, 2008

I just came up from the lobby of my building. There were about a half-dozen dinner survivors wandering around in various stages of fully-stuffed shock. Their eyes were half closed, their mouths still open, and they held various parts of their abdomens trying to relieve the pressure. Their moans were mixed with words like, “I can’t eat another thing – and I’ve got two more dinners tonight . Ooooh.”

Ah, Thanksgiving – the Great American Pig-Out. A holiday devoted to unabashed gluttony. Which is kind of funny in this country.

You see, America is the land of Pilgrims, Puritans, and Prigs. Gluttony is a sin – one of the biggies in the litany of “The SEVEN DEADLY Sins.” Why a nation founded by religious zealots would choose one of the seven deadly sins as a way to celebrate is a little strange. It’s also tough on turkeys. So I came up with an idea to make us appear less mindlessly traditional.

For a national holiday, maybe we could change it up a bit featuring a different deadly sin every year. I went through the list of the others – greed, sloth, wrath, lust, envy, and pride – and I have a personal favorite for next year’s star sin: lust.

Lust has kind of a bad reputation in America but that’s why it needs a national holiday. Gluttony is frowned upon every other day of the year but celebrated on Thanksgiving. So our country can still look down its prudish nose on sensual pleasure and recreational sex – except on Lustmus Day.

Imagine the possibilities! A day of leers, kisses, and lechery. Drooling old men and excited young boys! Women dressing in provocative clothing being tramps for a day. Conversations filled with suggestive remarks and double entendres. Porn on television and you could eat all day and not get fat!

Obviously I don’t have all the details worked out yet – but I’ll get back to you on it. This country wants CHANGE and I want to do my part.

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