Archive for September, 2008

The Cop Stop Hop

Friday, September 19th, 2008


A few years ago, I took home a gal-pal of mine who lived in a neighborhood the Visitors’ Bureau never puts on postcards. After dropping her off, I made a right and immediately saw a big set of multicolored, flashing lights quickly filling up my rear view mirror. The police stopped behind my car and treated me to a light show for which I would have paid money in the 60’s.

I turned off my engine and put my hands in full view on top of the steering wheel just like I was taught on “America’s Most Wanted”. “License, registration, and insurance card please?” Wow was he young! What’s the minimum age for police applicants these days, thirteen?

After handing over my forms, I watched him go back to his car. I waited while the computer check turned up nothing as I knew it would. He came to my window again and handed me my stuff as his partner stood behind my car.

“Sir, why are you in this neighborhood tonight?” I saw he was getting ready to deliver his “dangerous drug area, stupid to be down here buying” speech. I made a quick decision (sometimes, even I don’t know why I do the things I do).

“All right, Officer, you got me – I know it’s against the law.”

“What?”

“I’m a male prostitute.”

The flashlight beam poured over my face. “For men?” he naively asked.

“No, for young women. They’ve been after me my whole life. Now I’ve decided to charge.”

Time stopped. They sure didn’t go over this at the Academy. Was I disrespecting the police? (Oh God, No!) Was I serious? For what would he arrest me – aggravated delusions? What would the Captain say about this? Finally, he made his decision.  A smile crossed his lips but I knew he was holding back a laugh.

“How’s business?” he smiled.

“Not so good. I think it’s the economy.”

“Get otta here!” he laughed.

As I started my car, I saw the silhouette of his head dancing in the flashing lights as he filled in his partner.

Most times, you’ve just got to make your own fun.

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Wait Until You See Her Encore!

Wednesday, September 17th, 2008

Meet Ursula Martinez. Her bio says she’s a London based writer, performer and cult cabaret diva who began her career in experimental theatre. In the mid 90’s, U. began performing solo on the London club/cabaret circuit and very quickly made a name for herself.

One of her performance art characters is the ‘Strippin’ Magician’. Whew!! This show is rated “R” so I know you kids will want to get right to it. Copy and Paste this address into your web browser and enjoy the show!

http://files.ww.com/files/21406.html

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Don’t Be a Loafer

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008

A RECYCLED PRESENTATION – 1st Posted March 11, 2008

Here’s the problem: how can you discipline prison inmates who, in effect, have nothing to lose by committing crimes against fellow prisoners and guards? Lifers and real long termers (25+ years and more) can’t serve more time in prison because, in reality, they’ll die there anyway. These guys really don’t mind solitary confinement and, legally, the state can’t use physical force nor psychological torture. So when these villains get out of line, really – what can the prison administration do?

Meet the Loaf. The Prison Loaf is nutritionally sound and well balanced – and just about the most unappetizing food you can imagine. Often the loaf is what the rest of the inmates eat – maybe – except the food is thrown into a blender until it has the consistency of half-cooked oatmeal – and then it’s baked into the form of a brick. It’s said that wet cardboard has more taste. The United States Supreme Court has ruled prisons cannot use the deprival of food as a punishment. So prisons have said in effect, “OK. We’ll give them food – just not up to the high gourmet standards of regular prison chow.” Prison officials say a few weeks or a month on the loaf almost always gets disagreeable inmates back in line. In fact, even the threat of the loaf is effective for inmate attitude adjustment. I don’t know why – but I find this funny as hell. It’s like telling these big, scary killers, “Bad! No dinner for you. Go to your room!” ####

Thanks, Megan.

Monday, September 15th, 2008

Megan Marshack laying down some ‘tude.

In June, my friend Paul from PopWars (link on right) put a Counter on this blog. I am very pleased (and a little shocked) because it’s received over 9,000 hits from you since then. The Internet is amazing!

It also surprises me how many of you have gotten here without advertising or sponsors. One of the chief ways is by Key Words in Google Searches. And what surprises me even more are the search terms that drive the numbers.

Of course I knew promising Kelly Ripa nude or Sarah Palin “bare” in fun would catch a lot of voyeuristic wannabe’s – but there’s a name that ranks almost as high – Megan Marshak.

Who?

Megan is featured in my post; “What Do You Say to a Naked Governor?” (Copy & Paste- Naked Governor -into my Search box if you’re interested). Why is she so popular today nearly 30-years after she got out from under a tough situation? I have no idea but – thank you: Megan and Paul and Amy and Rich and Bill (this is beginning to sound like the goddam Academy Awards!) so anyway…..thanks, everyone, Happy Trails!

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Palin Bare!

Monday, September 15th, 2008

Pretty unqualified.

Debra. 1980

Saturday, September 13th, 2008

Shove Your Sign and Your Cause!

Friday, September 12th, 2008

I drove passed Planned Parenthood this afternoon. The usual, self-righteous dimwits were waving their gross signs and trying to bully young women from going inside. I slowed down and an old guy made eye contact with me and waved his sign. I think he was expecting my head to nod or my horn to honk in support. He seemed shocked when I slammed my middle finger into the windshield and scowled.

You probably know how I feel about abortion from a recent post (Copy&Paste into the Search Box: The Bad Birds and The B’s). I’m pro-choice but I think abortion is a lousy, last choice when there are so many better alternatives like birth control and RU486. AND dweebs like this guy have done their best unwittingly to INCREASE unwanted pregnancies and abortions by opposing any sexually progressive ideas like non-moralistic sex education in schools and Plan B.

Someone out there agreed and sent me a study by the Guttmacher Institute which is the world’s leading think tank on sexual and reproductive issues. These people are researchers and scientists without any false Biblical axes to grind. What did they find in one study?

Expanding Medicaid coverage for contraception – so that it matches Medicaid coverage for pregnancy-related care – would enable low-income women to prevent a total of nearly 500,000 unwanted pregnancies annually, including 200,000 abortions and save taxpayers $1.5 Billion dollars a year. (And these figures do not include future welfare costs of these children and their children, etc.)

Makes sense, doesn’t it? Why would most women have abortions if they could easily prevent their pregnancies in the first place? But I guess Anti-Abortion people have that direct line to God which supersedes the intelligence with which some would say He created us.

I wish the parents of all these sign-wavers had used birth control – lots of it.

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Baked Alaska

Friday, September 12th, 2008

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Drowning In The Gene Pool

Thursday, September 11th, 2008

I will spare you the unhappy details but yesterday I was kind of forced into a conversation with a few of the guys from my building. I’m usually not too big on talking to guys. When it comes to sports, I’m just about Jewish. I don’t know much about TV or music or cars or I-Anythings – so that pretty much puts me on the sidelines for talks with men.

I’m sorry but the average guy is nice but kind of dumb. And by the very definition of average, half of us are even dumber than that. There are a lot of nice, dumb guys wandering around. You can find them in factories and offices and even running the country. But I much prefer talking to women because of the instant gratification I get . If I say something intelligent or clever, they perk right up – and if I say something perceptive or caring, they look at me like I walked off a spaceship. I kind of like that – it’s still all about me but with polished silverware.

Anyway, I’m kind of forced into this all-male talk fest and the subject of kids comes up. Right away I could tell this just wasn’t going to be my lucky day. I mean I really don’t mind kids – if they’re somebody else’s’ – and live somewhere else – and I’m not there. But I’m proud of the fact that I was one of the first men in my county to have a vasectomy before having children – almost 30-years ago. Of course this conversation was not about NOT having children – it was all about the DUTY of having them. Uh-oh.

The least evolved of the group spoke loudest:

“I gotta have a son to carry on my Family Line.”

Now the only “line” with which I would associate this guy and his family is the line at the Department of Social Services where he would need help filling out the application. If all of this guys’ offspring mutated into plants and vegetables, our gene pool would be a nicer place in which to swim. Of course I didn’t say all this – but I thought it.

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Kids?

Thursday, September 11th, 2008