Archive for March 1st, 2008

“I Suck WORSE than Jerry.”

Saturday, March 1st, 2008


“Three years ago, The Jerry Springer Show was rated “the worst show on television” by a bunch of nerdy TV critics. Well, I took care of that. I stuffed my show with outrageous, shameless pieces of human trash – filled the audience with delinquent punks, felons and parole violators, and then drenched the whole thing in comedic hypocrisy. I even pretend to care about my pathetic guests! Now I’M number one. And compared to my show, Jerry Springer could be on prime time PBS.”

“You see, Jerry still has a little bit of taste left. Not much of course. He was, after all, the Sultan of Sleaze for over a decade. But these days, he mocks his own show and knows it’s so ridiculous, he can even have circus freaks crawling around the stage without compromising its quality. Jerry doesn’t pretend his show is anything more than what it is – an electronic joke fest with nitwits as stars.”

“The Gory Povitch show is different. I tell my guests – with a straight face, mind you, “I care about you”. “I feel your pain”. We don’t even have to coach the dopes anymore – they know exactly what’s expected of them.”

“Our most popular theme – by far- is ‘Who’s Your Daddy?’ When I’m sitting next to some underage, moronic hottie with four young guys each hoping the baby’s not his, the room is electric! I make a big point of opening the paternity result envelopes – one by one – and dramatically announcing, “Bum number 1 – you are NOT the father!” Then the dopey kid jumps off his chair, punches the air in victory, high-5’s everybody he can touch, and the bimbo starts to cry.”

“By the time, I say for the fourth time, ‘you are NOT the father!’, the tearful tramp jumps from her seat and starts “The Maury Schmuck Run” to the finish-line couch backstage. Of course, I jump up and run after her. While comforting the little whore, with a microphone conveniently overhead, I’m saying things like, “There, there. Don’t worry – we’ll help you find the father of your child.”

Of course what I’m really saying is,

“Good show, you little slut. I’m glad you balled half of Cleveland because that means more ‘Find the Father’ shows. The ratings love you! I love you! And now you’ll get another chance to humiliate yourself on national TV. Why don’t we go to my office and talk about it? Connie’s in California this week.”