Archive for February 18th, 2008

Is Paris Burning? (You Up?)

Monday, February 18th, 2008


You hate Paris Hilton, don’t you? There’s not one celebrity name that can turn lips into sneers faster than ‘Paris’. Brittany never even came close – and now that she’s gone publicly nuts, she’s enjoying a sympathy backlash which must make her crazier still. But Paris couldn’t buy sympathy if she wanted to – which, I’m sure, she doesn’t.

I have finally figured out (I’m a little slow) why you and the rest of America hate Paris so much: JEALOUSY.

“Oh no,” you’re saying, “hate is too strong a word and I certainly wouldn’t want to be her.”


“You’re wrong! I don’t like her because she has no talent. She’s famous because she’s famous.”

And your whiney, little point would be what? You’ve got to have talent to be famous? I’m trying to type this and not fall off my chair laughing. Switch on your TV or look at the movie listings. Please tell me, who’s got a surplus of talent there? None of us would want to listen for 15-minutes to any of these nitwits in real life. Actors without scripts are some of the most boring people in the world.

(I swear I don’t make this stuff up. I just turned to the muted TV next to me and guess who was filling the screen? Regis and Kelly. Next case.)

You hate Paris because she didn’t have to work for her money? JEALOUSY. If that were you, would you give it all away and move to Henrietta? You hate her because she’s beautiful? JEALOUSY. Has a great body? JEALOUSY. Women hate her because she’s a “slut.” JEALOUSY. Ladies, is she going after your man? Is she going to drop all those rich, handsome, young, slender studs and ask your ‘Mr.’ to a Hollywood premiere? Probably not.

You hate her because she’s dumb? (Keep trying to think up logical reasons, friends). Although Paris probably isn’t going to discover the cure for Alzheimer’s, chances are she’s of average intelligence and went to the best private schools for rich, but-not-gifted kids.

Hate her because she’s sometimes silly, gets drunk, high, parties in public, and doesn’t take herself very seriously? At 11:00 pm on any warm, summer Friday night, drive down East Ave. between Alexander and Scio streets. You can run over hundreds of goofy, Paris wanna-be’s with no effort at all. Hate them, too?

JEALOUSY is an ugly slime to wear – but you can wash it off. The soap is honesty. Next time you see Paris, smile and say to yourself, “You lucky little bitch. You hit the jackpot in the lottery of life and I didn’t. Too bad for me – but good for you. Have fun – laugh – and party your little ass off. If I were you, I would too!”