Archive for December, 2007

I Hate Cliches Like the Plague

Tuesday, December 25th, 2007

Promise you’ll eat worms in 2008 if you:

• “bring closure” to anything.

• take anything “to a new level”.

• “celebrate a life, not mourn a death”.

• determine “the true meaning of Christmas”.

• “stop to smell the roses”.

• say “Hot enough for you?”.

• say “Cold enough for you?”

• say “There you go….”

• say “whatever…….”

Why shouldn’t you say these things?

Because you’ll be sending the wrong message and won’t have a nice day.

Contender: Worst Album Ever

Saturday, December 22nd, 2007


a Million, a Billion, a Trillion

Thursday, December 20th, 2007

 1,000,000,000,000 Trillion
1,000,000,000 Billion
1,000,000 Million

Just because they sound the same, doesn’t
mean they’re even close. Think of it this way:
imagine a stack of new $100 bills. A million
dollars would be a stack of hundreds just over
3 feet high. A billion dollars would be a stack
about the height of the Empire State Building.
A trillion dollars in hundreds? That stack would
be over 270-miles tall.

Our Federal Government is over 9-TRILLION
dollars in debt. That’s about $30,000 for every
man, woman, and child in the country!

So go ahead and cheat on your taxes – who cares?

Jingle Bell Cyst

Tuesday, December 18th, 2007

My friend Christine used to be a dancer.
She got injured, couldn’t work for a long
time, and had to accept public assistance
for her medical needs.

Unfortunately around Christmas a few
years ago, she developed an ovarian
cyst and had to go to the Emergency

Maybe it was because she was a young
dancer or on Medicaid – but for whatever
reason, she said she was never before
treated as disrespectfully in any medical
facility. She believed men “examined”
her who might not even have been

Since it was around Christmas, I put
some new lyrics to a traditional song
to commemorate this memorable


(Sung loudly to the tune of ‘Jingle Bells’)

Got a cyst, got a cyst,
on my ovary.
Now my legs are wide apart,
in Emergency.

Everyone gets to look,
the Doctor let’s them see.
The nurse wants a little nook,
then the lab guy winks at me!

Here comes the lunchroom crew,
plus the guard guy from the door.
They want a better view,
and they start to clap for more.

Oh, got a cyst, got a cyst,
on my ovary.
Now my legs are wide apart,
in Emergency.

A guy feels up my breasts,
looking for lumps to treat.
He wants to run some tests,
but he walked in off the street!

They think that we’re all tarts
Doc’s wearing a big grin.
He’s pointing out my parts,
and R-News is looking in!

(Chorus) Oh, got a cyst,
got a cyst, on my ovary.
Now my legs are spread apart,
in Emergency.

If you get a goddam cyst,
and the county pays your bills,
don’t think that you’ll be missed,
run like hell for the hills!

It all seems kind of shady;
they don’t really care for you.
They just want a pretty lady –
and her ‘womb with a view’.

(Chorus) Hey! got a cyst,
got a cyst, on my ovary.
Now my legs are spread wide apart,
in Emergency.


Merry Christmyths

Sunday, December 16th, 2007


Nah. Although I’m sure His reps on earth are happy to take gifts that day, no one actually knows when Christ was born – neither the date nor the year. Late December wasn’t even a contender until the 4th Century when holy men hooked it up with the Winter Solstice. The year? Many theologians put it between 4 and 6 – “BC”!


No. Nor you, your kids, nor your spouse. Poison centers are so overwhelmed with frantic calls around Christmas, many have ‘They’re Safe!’ ads on their web sites.


You may have felt you WANTED to kill yourself to escape holiday stress – but few people do. A 35-year study from a research group in Minnesota conclusively determined that there is no correlation between suicides and holidays.

Christmyth #4: THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS.

This one’s TRUE. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

One lousy job.

Sunday, December 16th, 2007


Sylvia. 1979

Saturday, December 15th, 2007


My Book’s Cover in Poland

Thursday, December 13th, 2007


Pay adults $5,000 to be sterilized

Wednesday, December 12th, 2007

Letter to the Editor (February 16, 2006) Democrat&Chronicle

Although I applaud Judge Marilyn O’Connor’s “no more
kids until you can take care of them” ruling (May 8 story),
I’m wary of the government making those decisions for
anyone. I believe I have a better idea.

I suggest we pay a one-time $5,000 cash benefit to
anyone older than 21 who voluntarily has a free,
nonreversible tubal ligation or vasectomy. The savings
in future welfare costs would be staggering. And, one
suspects, the couple cited in the article might well be
first in line.

Over 20 years ago, I was told I was one of the first men
in Monroe County to have had a vasectomy before ever
having children. I have never once regretted that decision.
Until this society recognizes that “child-free” is a
respectable option for many people, we will be paying for
unwanted and unloved children. Kids deserve so much
more than that.



Wednesday, December 12th, 2007