Archive for the ‘Paolo’s Best’ Category

Have A Seat

Thursday, August 22nd, 2019
The Sybian

Guys, if your lover asks for a ‘Sybian’ for her next birthday, try to get it right. Maybe she just wants a fancy-ass phone by Nokia – or maybe she wants “the world’s greatest adult toy.”  If she wants the sit down machine, your days are probably numbered.

The Sybian was invented in the 1980’s and “designed for a woman’s ultimate pleasure.”  At first the inventors were going to name it “The Master Better” – but thought better of it.  It comes with four attachments – two with different textures.  You can also buy a much longer attachment in black rubber. (Naw – I just made that up.)

It’s quite a machine.  The attachment ROTATES using over .34 horsepower and VIBRATES using .59.  Horsepower is a good word to use because the woman sits or kneels astride the device.  It’s power is determined by a remote control device held by the user or anyone to whom she hands it.

When the Sybian first appeared, it cost over $2-thousand dollars.  Today they’re all over the internet for $400-600 bucks each.  A used Sybian (attachments are washable) is sometimes advertised on Craig’s List and I’ll bet there are a few good stories (maybe pictures) behind each and every one.

Used Sybians: https://www.google.com/

Asswipe Doesn’t Care Anymore

Thursday, August 22nd, 2019

Disgraced President Asswipe has been rocketing towards crazyville faster and I think I know why:

There’s only a 50-50 chance the bastard will run for re-election and now he’s just bleating bullshit for attention. I said the same thing last fall.

Crazy Rudy Giuliani, ‘Worst AG-Barr-None,’ and more competent lawyers will work out a justice deal like Nixon and Agnew got. Asswipe would agree to resign or not to run in exchange for the Southern District of New York Prosecutors dropping all charges against him and his family.

Even Asswipe can figure out it’s better NOT to run for President and be free – than to run, lose, and then face criminal charges with possible time in the Trump Wing of the Crossbar Hotel.

The odiferous buffoon doesn’t like his job anyway.

He Doesn’t Look A Day Older Than 2019

Tuesday, August 20th, 2019
Jesus Christ

Pope Benedict wrote a book, “Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives.” In it he gives us new evidence about Jesus’ age which was computed by ‘Dennis the Small,’ a sixth century monk.  Dennis forgot to carry the one or something and it turns out Christ was actually 6-years older than the Christian Calendar indicates.

Also, anthropologists now think the image above is a better representation of what Jesus really looked like. Perhaps one of his miracles turned him into the white-skinned, blue-eyed, long-haired hunk Christians worship today.

Remember, if you’re ever in a game of ‘Christrivia,’ say Jesus was crucified at 39 rather than 33.  In fact, tell that fact to every stranger you see – it’s a real conversation-starter.

How old was Jesus when he died?  https://www.google.com/

The Last Virgin In New Jersey

Monday, August 19th, 2019

Let’s face it, West New York, New Jersey doesn’t have a lot going for it. Magnificently overwhelmed by New York City just across the Hudson River, West New York didn’t even bother to choose an original town name.

That’s why its townspeople were thrilled when an image of the Blessed Virgin Mary formed in a tree right in the middle of their commercial district!

Someone told Mayor George Morene about it and he declared the tree “a miracle.” Since then, hundreds of tourists have made a pilgrimage to the site praying, taking pictures, and falling to their knees on the sidewalk. West New York businesses flourished – especially the nearby McDonalds.

Hmmm.  I don’t quite see an image of the BVM in the photos but it does remind me of something.  I just can’t put my finger on it.

Miracle Mockers

Sunday, August 18th, 2019

Jesus – they don’t make miracles like they used to! In Biblical times, miracles stunned people. The parting of the Red Sea, the fish & loaves multiplication tables, leper-curing on the spot and raising the dead were all crowd pleasers. Boffo, Jesus! Encore!

But what do we get today? Jesus’s face on ANYTHING!

The Jesus Grilled Cheese Sandwich

The Jesus Shower Curtain

The Jesus Tortilla

The Jesus Tree

(Rochester, New York contribution)

The Jesus Croissant

Jesus! It’s a miracle anyone goes to church anymore. Each of these Jesus items is a real item – you decide if it’s Jesus. Most have been on e-bay.

How can you tell if something’s a real miracle? Think of the reaction people would have if an ocean, with a gazillion trillion gallons of water, actually parted. Then think of the reaction of most people after viewing the “miracles” above.

There’s a pretty good chance it’s NOT a real miracle if most of the crowd walks away, rolling their eyes and muttering, “Give me a friggin’ break………”

Shopping For Fecal Matter

Friday, August 16th, 2019


A recent study showed the dirtiest places in supermarkets are on the handles of grocery carts.  The handles are dirtier than bathrooms, check-out conveyors, and guys who flash customers in the fruit section.

The reason is simple: kids.  The little brats who throw tantrums in the candy aisle can’t even compete with the little brats who touch their own waste and then slime their rotten, little fingers on the cart handles while riding backwards.  Of course the parents should be jailed for not disinfecting the little shit-chits before leaving home but that’s hard to enforce.

What should you do about it?  First, remember researchers can now measure bacteria in ‘parts per million’.  They’re recording things that we normally can not see, feel, or smell.  The microbes have always been there but no one could measure them – and if they did, they had the good sense to shut up about it.

Second, wipe handles down with Wet-Ones or their generic equivalents, wash reusable grocery bags at least once a month, and cream your hands with antibacterial gel.

Finally, for your own satisfaction, glare with a mean look at every kid in the grocery store.  Some kids are really bothered by this – and it’s almost impossible to prove in court.

Dirty shopping carts: https://www.google.com/

Body Part Named After Me (Not My 1st Choice)

Thursday, August 15th, 2019

Frank’s sign:  https://www.google.com/

US Racism – Worse Than 2012

Monday, August 12th, 2019


I was having a drink with an old friend.  His name also ends in a vowel.

“I don’t see why they get a holiday for this guy.” (Martin Luther King)

I shrugged. “Hell, guineas get Columbus Day,” I said.

“Don’t say ‘guineas’ Franco.”

“Why?  You’ve called black people ‘niggers’ – what’s the difference?”

“There’s a big difference. They call themselves ‘niggers’ so why can’t I?”

“Well, I’m a guinea – why can’t I call guineas, guineas?”

“Look, Franco, Italians came here for the American Dream. They wanted to work and raise great families – not lie around, collect welfare checks, and watch big screen TV’s.”

“Yah, those damn Africans were fighting to jump on the slave ships to get over here in chains! Their families were destroyed twice by slave traders – once over there and again over here.

So there’s been generation after generation growing up without strong family values and pride – depending on the government. You’re proud of your family and their achievements, right?”

“Of course Franco, but the shit you said happened a million years ago – we’re not responsible for what happened then.”

“Not responsible but we’re paying for it.  ‘What we’ve sown, we are reaping.’

“That’s not fair.”

“Right.”

Today is the 2nd anniversary of “Charlottesville” – remember? Nazis with tiki torches marching through the streets of an American city. And then murdering a protester.

“Very fine people on both sides,” said pathetic President Asswipe.

Porn Star Myths Blown

Friday, August 9th, 2019
Anita Mann

You probably think female porn stars are exploited women who’ve been sexually abused as children, have very low self-esteem, and are psychological mental cases. 

You’re wrong.

A report published in the Journal of Sex Research, one of the world’s most respected sources for scientific studies in human sexuality, said women in the adult entertainment industry are not likely to have any more psychological problems than other women.  The report stated,

“In terms of psychological characteristics, porn actresses had higher levels of self-esteem, positive feelings, social support, sexual satisfaction and spirituality compared to the matched group.”

This summary just reaffirms the conclusions of previous studies by different sources. But that’s not going to affect your opinion, is it?   Most human beings do not allow facts, research, or logic to interfere with what they believe. Hello trumpets!

If you know of a research study that contradicts this conclusion, please send it to me.  I’ll be happy to publish it.  If you don’t, you are now intellectually stuck with an uncomfortable piece of truth.

My favorite porn star: https://presentationsunplugged.com/

Remote Control Artificial Penis

Thursday, August 8th, 2019

2010

My gal-pal B. and I were lying around yesterday discussing the promise of artificial penis’s.

Penile implants have been around for years.  Their popularity has had its ups and downs (somebody had to say it) but new advances in technology have helped them improve.

Today, after a brief operation, the device pictured above is inserted into a non-working penile appendage. And then the pump on the right is repeatedly pushed through the scrotum to get the desired erection. 

Now, don’t be dumb here.  “Little Johnny” is not   going to grow into a John Holmes-size skin flute no matter how many times you toodle your testes.  You just get what you had.  And I have no idea why the there are two tubes pictured although the idea of two penis’s is positively intriguing.

“Great,” I said, “but doesn’t pumping the tire kind of take away from the romance of the moment?”  B. looked at me suspiciously – I went on. “With today’s technology wouldn’t it  be better to push a button on a remote for takeoff  – and then casually turn over and push another button for landing – so to speak?”

Thoughtful silence.

“I have a better idea,” B, said, “What if the on-off switch was in a Clapper?  We’d have to change the name, of course – but besides that, it’s a great idea! Clap on – erection.  Clap off – over and out.”

I have to admit, I thought about it.

“Wait a minute, “ I said. “The Clapper won’t know who’s clapping.  The woman might clap and everything would go down.”

B. just smiled.