Archive for the ‘Paolo’s Best’ Category

The Patron Saint Of Fireworks

Tuesday, May 21st, 2019
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If you’re at a large fireworks display and something goes awry, Saint Barbara’s the one to call for protection.  In fact, it might be a good idea to pray to her before the show to avoid the rush.

In the 2nd century, Barbara was the daughter of a rich pagan named Dioscorus who kept her locked in a tower to keep her chaste for the marriage of his choice. But Barbara had other ideas.  She nixed Dad’s pick for Bachelor #1 and worse, she became a Christian.

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Her Father was not too pleased with this nonsense and drew his sword to kill her.  Miraculously the tower wall opened and Barbara was transported to a mountain gorge filled with sheep and two sheperds.  One of the sheperds turned her back over to her Father and immediately came to a bad end. He turned to stone and his flock became a swarm of locusts. (Try selling those at the Sheep Fair!)

Barbara’s Father dragged her before the prefect of the province, Martinianus, who had her cruelly tortured and condemned to death by beheading. Since her Father was still pissed off, he got to lop off her head himself!  However, as punishment for executing his own daughter, (here come the fireworks) he was struck by lightning on the way home and his body was consumed by flames. It’s said Barbara’s tomb became the site of explosive miracles. Really.

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List of Patron Saints:  https://en.wikipedia.org/

“One Small Step For Propaganda”

Monday, May 13th, 2019
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Neil Armstrong, was the first American astronaut to walk on the moon in 1969. I can never think of him without thinking of government quotation manipulation.

As he stepped to the lunar surface, Armstrong was supposed to say “This is one small step for A man (meaning him), one giant leap for mankind.” What he actually said was “This is one small step for . . . man, one giant leap for mankind”.  This makes the quote almost meaningless because without the  modifier “A”, the words ‘man’ and ‘mankind’ mean pretty much the same thing.

OK – no big deal – except when the NASA public relations department started lying about it. “Of course he said “A man”, they shrieked, “listen to the tape!”  People listened – and there wasn’t an ‘A’ to be heard for 240,000 miles of space.

The mainstream media and respected historical sources, often propaganda arms of the government, printed the quote with the ‘A’ intact! Examples: Time Magazine, the Encyclopedia Britannica, and Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations.

Again, no big deal. The problem comes when the American people believe without question other government quotes like “We have to protect America by building a wall and banning Muslims.”

Whining About A Bad Hair Day?

Thursday, May 9th, 2019

Joseph Merrick, the “Elephant Man” was born in the late 1800’s in England. As he grew, Merrick became even more horribly deformed and was exhibited as a freak by numerous “managers”.

At 24, he was abandoned in London with neither money nor a friend.  Fortunately, he was rescued by a Doctor who had studied him in medical school.  The “Elephant Man” was then sympathetically given a place to live in London Hospital where he was visited by numerous guests including the Princess of Wales.

What astounded everyone was Merrick’s personality.  He was loving, kind, very appreciative, never spoke negatively of anyone, and was extremely literate.  He wrote:

“Tis true my form is something odd,

But blaming me is blaming God;

Could I create myself anew

I would not fail in pleasing you.”

Although Merrick was supposed to sleep sitting up because of the enormous weight of his head, one night he chose to lie down “like normal people.” That night, Merrick’s airway became constricted and he died peacefully in his sleep.  Mr. Joseph Merrick was 27.

Joseph Merrick:  https://www.google.com/

Drowning In The Gene Pool

Tuesday, May 7th, 2019
"Get back you little bastards!"

                               “Get back you little bastards!”

I will spare you the unhappy details but a while back I was kind of forced into a conversation with a few of the guys from my building. This all-male talk fest was rolling and the subject of children came up.

Right away I could tell this just wasn’t going to be my lucky day. I mean I really don’t mind kids – if they’re somebody else’s’ – and live somewhere else – and I’m not there.

But I’m proud of the fact that I was one of the first men in my county to have a vasectomy before having children – almost 40-years ago. Of course this conversation was not about NOT having children – it was all about the DUTY of having them. Uh-oh.

The least evolved of the group spoke loudest; it seems he has a “need to breed”.

“I gotta have a son to carry on my Family Line.”

Now the only “line” with which I would associate this guy and his family is the line at the Department of Social Services where he would need help filling out the application. If all of this guy’s offspring mutated into plants and vegetables, our gene pool would be a nicer place in which to swim.

Of course I didn’t say that – but I sure thought it.

Vasectomy Scissors Are Smaller.

Does it hurt to have a vasectomy?   https://www.google.com/

Reason For Royal Baby Secrecy?

Monday, May 6th, 2019

Just asking the question!

(2012) Heather and Adam Barrington of Charlotte, North Carolina are expecting a baby in July. After reading “The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life” (available at Amazon for $20.24) they decided to go to Hawaii so dolphins can assist in the birth of their child.

Dolphins, you say?

The couple flew to Hawaii to begin the months-long preparation for the birth.  Presumably the dolphins are already there. The Barringtons are being supported by the Sirius Institute, a research group which is dedicated to  “dolphinizing” the planet. This means the integration of the Cetacea (dolphins and whales) into our culture as we raise our level of consciousness to be more like theirs.”

In Sirius Institute dolphin-attended births, “free dolphins” are used – not animals kept in captivity. That’s why pregnant women have to bond for months with pods near “coastal areas throughout the islands where dolphins come close to shore.”

Science writer Christie Wilcox, however, says “this has to be, hands down, one of the worst natural birthing ideas anyone has ever had.”  She went on to say that though dolphins are frequently friendly toward humans, they’ve also attacked people with basically no warning. AND they also might try to rape you. Uh-oh.

There’s no truth to the rumor that the Barringtons will name their child ‘Flipper.’

For a better birthing experience – having your child with multiple orgasms – go here:

Saint Christina The Astonishing

Friday, May 3rd, 2019
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Patron Saint Of The Crazy

There are hundreds of Patron Saints in the Catholic Church.  Catholic doctrine teaches Patron Saints intercede for you with God.  They’re kind of like holy lawyers pleading your special needs. Saints are chosen by particular groups because they have similar interests, talents, or behaviors.  

Here’s where you can find the Church’s official line up: http://www.americancatholic.org/Features/Saints/patrons.aspx

St. Christina The Astonishing (circa 1100 AD in Belgium) is a good example.  She renounced all comforts of life and eagerly sought all that could cause her suffering. She would jump into burning furnaces, plunge into frozen rivers for days at a time, and run through thickets of thorns chased by mad dogs. Christina did all of this and never suffered a scratch although she did seem to have some issues.  People called her crazy, astonishing – and made her the Patron Saint of the mentally ill.

For a list of Saints and their causes, go here:

https://www.google.com/

Never Reject A Sculptor Who Loves You

Thursday, May 2nd, 2019

The Ellis County Courthouse in Waxahachie, Texas is said to be the most beautiful in the state. The red Italian granite and sandstone structure was built in 1894 at a cost of $175,000. It’s Romanesque style featured many turrets and gargoyles sculpted by Harry Hurley from Italy (he may have changed his name.)

In the early stages of his work, Mr. Hurley fell in love with a beautiful local girl named Mabel Frame who would have nothing to do with him. To show his love, he immortalized her face in red granite.  As he sculpted more gargoyles, she rejected him even more and his bitterness began to show in his work. His carvings gradually became ugly faces of his desired lover – the last one featuring wild hair, jagged teeth, and eyes of the tortured insane. 

Many months later, a monument was erected to honor the county’s Confederate’s war dead.  The statue, however, focused attention on an unsculpted part of the courthouse. Hurley volunteered to sculpt one last image to fill the vacant spot high on one of the turrets.

The carved image? The likeness of a vagina – Hurley’s final tribute to Mabel Frame.

Ellis County Courthouse pictures: https://www.google.com/

NASA Monkey Business

Monday, April 29th, 2019

Before sending a man into orbit in the early 1960′s, NASA (National Aeronautics and Space Administration) tested the conditions using chimpanzees. The most famous Chimp-Astronaut was Ham who actually did simple, timed tasks in his pre-flight training.

On January 31, 1961, Ham was secured in a Project Mercury space capsule and launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida, on a suborbital flight.  After about 17-minutes in space (during which time he hit buttons and pulled levers on cue,) Ham splashed down and became an instant national hero. 

He was pictured on the cover of Life magazine and thousands of Americans wrote requesting his “autograph.”  NASA gladly complied and helped him put his inked hand print on numerous photographs.

The “real” astronauts were infuriated!  These were top Air Force test pilots who risked their lives and trained for years in America’s space program.  They hated the fact most Americans now thought their missions were so easy, they could be completed by monkeys.

On February 20, 1962,  John Glenn became the first American to orbit the Earth aboard Friendship 7.  To honor this huge achievement, President Kennedy invited him to the White House for a special award. As soon as she saw him, Carolyn Kennedy, the President’s young daughter asked, “Where’s the monkey?

NASA Monkey retirement home:  https://www.google.com/

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Standing Pat

Friday, April 26th, 2019

In the 1950’s and early ‘60’s, there was no cleaner, Christian crooner than Pat Boone. He had a string of hit love songs so beautiful and innocent, all the white high school boys in America could sing them, swoon over their budding-breast sweeties, and remain virgins.  It was rumored you could get cavities listening to his songs because they were so sweet.

But then came the Beatles, and the Rolling Stones, and the Animals.  Suddenly Pat Boone became as out of place as Mother Theresa in a drunken conga line at a wedding reception.  He was popular at old time Bible camp revivals and state fairs – but pretty much faded into the white, good night.

Then, over 30 years later, Pat Boone flipped out and got into HEAVY METAL.  He started wearing all black leather outfits on television and, at one point, even a heavy dog collar! 

In 1997, he released an album ‘In a Metal Mood: No More Mr. Nice Guy’ which shocked just about everyone.  He took hard rock and heavy metal songs and converted them into a jazz/big band style. The album hit the Billboard record charts making it Boone’s first hit album in 35 years! 

Still today, no one has any idea why he flipped to the dark side (except Pat – and me.)

Pat Boone and Heavy Metal:  https://www.google.com/

With 3-Packs You Get An Eggroll

Wednesday, April 24th, 2019
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New York’s astronomical taxes on cigarettes and attempts to make Indian reservations pay sales tax is having a strange effect on the market. A pack of legal, name-brand smokes in our state costs about $10.  That’s roughly $4 for the product plus $6 in various taxes.

Supposedly this is to force you to quit smoking but New York State really doesn’t care about your health – they just want added tax revenue.  And now the state is trying to discourage tax-free, cigarette sales on Indian reservations where the average price is a few bucks less per pack.

So what can poor smokers do?  More and more of them are buying cigarettes – like Marlboro and Newport – from illegal street vendors for about $5 a pack.  They also buy off-brand packs like Seneca for $3 or $4.  And on inner-city streets, you can buy a “loosie” – a single cigarette – for a buck.

On a recent 10-minute walk down a main Rochester street, I was approached by TWO furtive vendors whispering “Newports? Marlboro?” I don’t smoke cigarettes but I asked one if he had any weed (pot)?  He gave me a disgusted look and quickly walked away.  Obviously I was lower on the low-life scale than he.

These street cigarettes used to be smuggled by the truck full into New York from legitimate tobacco warehouses in the South.  But today, with increased demand because of the ridiculous taxes, there are now huge shipments of COUNTERFEIT cigarettes coming from China!  They look just like the real thing.  Taste?  Who knows?  And if an extra yak hair or two is in the mix, what’s the FDA going to say anyway?

How can you tell if you get counterfeit smokes?  Well if there’s a small fortune cookie in the bottom of the pack, chances are the R.J. Reynolds company didn’t make it.

Chinese counterfeit cigarettes: https://www.google.com/