Archive for November, 2011

“Sure Kid, I See The Whole Friggin’ Zoo”

Wednesday, November 30th, 2011


A Rochester, NY graphic designer and artist has found what he says are images of animals in Leonardo da Vinci’s masterpiece, the Mona Lisa.

Paintings from the Renaissance are supposedly dripping with hidden pictures of all sorts of things.   While doing research for an art project, Ron Piccirillo either turned the image “on her side and noticed the ape’s face and the lion’s head” or he was just lying drunk on the floor and studied the painting in its original upright position.

Piccirillo said he poured over passages in da Vinci’s own notebook where the artist refers to the animals and other clues. He said,  “We have the  the whole ape face and it’s facing right. Over here we’re looking at the lion’s head. It’s almost roaring to me.”

Actually I have the original Mona Lisa hanging in my hallway (it HAD BETTER be the original-  or I got screwed out of $75-bucks!).  While taking off my boots and leaning on it one night, I actually saw George Washington slow dancing with Tina Turner. I have never again gone back to that particular corner pharmaceutical retailer.

One widely-held assumption about Mona Lisa’s mysterious smile is that she just learned she was pregnant.  I believe she’s smiling because she’s just learned she’s not.

Shopping for a Borderline Psychotic?

Wednesday, November 30th, 2011

T-Shirt Hell (“Where All The Bad Shirts Go”) may be just the place to buy Christmas gifts for those on your list who are three strokes short of a happy ending.  T-shirts are the perfect gifts for those who choose to wear something under their straight-jackets and hospital scrubs.  The shirt above is their #1 bestseller.

tshirthell.com

White Woman Crashes Cain Campaign

Tuesday, November 29th, 2011

Ginger White of Georgia said she had a 13-year long affair with Republican Presidential hopeful Herman Cain despite knowing he was married.  Cain denied the affair but said she was a “friend” whom he was “helping financially.”

Can anyone say, “old call-girl?”

OK, she’s not gorgeous – and she’s not young – but for over 13-years she’s kept her mouth closed – unless called.


Cliché Dismay

Tuesday, November 29th, 2011

 

Again and again.

Clichés are bad enough.  But when you use them to say what you’ve already said, you’ve got real problems you’ve got real problems.

You gotta do what you gotta do.
I know what I know.
It is what it is.

And Then Jesus Gave Me Milk and Oreos

Tuesday, November 29th, 2011

(Post originally published March, 2011)

The #1 New York Times bestseller is the book you see above. It’s sold over 1.5 million copies and is in the nonfiction section of libraries.  Right.

Todd Burpo, seven years old, had “lifesaving” surgery – died – and then came back to write the book.  He and his parents (his father is a pastor) have been hustling it ever since.

Young Burpo got to sit on Jesus’s lap, next to God, and noticed all the formerly old people were young again.  He saw his grandpa (who now had big wings) and all the angels sang to him. This kid shovels some serious horseshit.

I’m not mocking anyone’s religion nor their belief in God.  I am pointing out that the true religion here is capitalism and religious hawkers have been hustling suckers for money since 1-minute after Jesus was born.  I’m also sorry that in times like these, many people seek comfort in just about anything.

Hey kid, did Jesus tell you to give all of your God-sponsored riches to the poor?  Maybe you didn’t hear that part – and your clever parents certainly aren’t going to tell you.

UPDATE: This book has now sold 8-million copies … so Jesus told the kid to write a sequel, “Heaven Is For Real – For Kids” including some stories the kid forgot in the first one. Now there’s also an AUDIO BOOK (young Burpo reads it) and an APP which you can voice-over yourself.  Luckily, all these are being released just in time for Christmas.  Holy shit!

Wanna Buy a President?

Monday, November 28th, 2011

It cost Barrack Obama $750-million dollars to win the Presidency in 2008 according to the New York Times.  Obama’s people don’t deny that – but say the paper’s prediction of $1-Billion for 2012 is inflated because he won’t run in primaries.

Of course O has been flying all over the country trying to sell his jobs bill but that doesn’t cost the campaign committee a cent.  Even though it looks like campaigning, it’s not. Why?  Because they say it’s not.  Guess who picks up the tab for those hundreds of millions? Thank you, American taxpayers.

The largest campaign contributors are corporations and unions.  Of course they don’t expect anything in return for their generosity – they’re contributing for the good of the country.  Right.

A lot of people don’t know it’s common practice for large contributors to give money to BOTH major parties.  They win no matter who loses.  And you lose no matter who wins.

“Why’d He Want Our Numbers?”

Sunday, November 27th, 2011

Tinfoil-Hat Lip Reading

Saturday, November 26th, 2011

A new Right-Wing Wingnut bit of hilarity is zipping around cyberspace.  It’s a clip from the National 9/11 Memorial Ceremony involving the American flag during a bagpipe tribute.  Michelle Obama leans over to her husband and says, “All this for a damn flag?”  Obama nods in a typical ‘Yes, dear’ bored husband response.

YIKES!

The First Lady disrespecting America’s flag?!  Well…er..there’s no sound in the video except the bagpipes.  And her lips are mostly covered by a post.  But some professor who supposedly reads lips said THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

Oh my.  Well, I’ll let you decide if it’s true on the link below.  If you can’t quite see Ms. Obama saying that, add more tinfoil to your hat – lots more.

Typical Wingnut Objective Intro to the video.

www.theblaze.com

Eat a Turkey Sandwich Today?

Friday, November 25th, 2011


Well of course you did.  So did most other Americans who are brainwashed into believing it’s unpatriotic NOT to eat turkey on Thanksgiving and turkey sandwiches the next day.  All traditions are “leftovers” – mindless mental parodies about which you do not have to think and help you remain “normal” on your sleep through life.

Consider this:  have you ever taken someone to a restaurant and she glides through the shrimp, lobster, and steak entrees and then asks the waiter, “Do you have turkey with mashed potatoes?  That’s my favorite!” Uh, probably not. It just doesn’t happen. Turkey is a favorite only on holidays.

Anyway, since your life has probably fallen into a mindless rut and you’re beginning to notice, make yourself a promise: in the next 24-hours, you’ll do something totally out of character for you!

Kiss your lover extra long, buy a beta fish and a pamphlet on how to take care of it, caption some old photographs, rent a Woody Allen movie – buy a different breakfast cereal – go to church – write on a mens room wall -ANYTHING – that says you’re not going to just spiral down your expected dull path to oblivion.

M.Y.O.F.B.*

Friday, November 25th, 2011

*(Mind Your Own Fucking Business)

One of my favorite portrait photography models was “C.”  We used to have a lot of fun together.  C is a young woman about a head taller than me when she puts on her “hooker heels.”  She’s also about  35-years younger.

When we went out, I was amazed at the rude reaction of people.  Since we looked like the Prom Queen of Porn and her “manager”, we got all sorts of sneers, looks of disgust, and shaking of heads.

Once when we left a casino in Niagara Falls, Canada, a rude cab driver leaning against his car said to her, “Oh – is this your Father?”  Without hesitation, C said, “Yes, he is – but we fuck anyway.”  His face looked like he was punched in the stomach.

When you stick your nose into other peoples’ business, you get what you get with no apologies.