Archive for November, 2010

How’s Your Colon?

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

I was typing a piece and the television was on.  I  watch the news in the morning and then I leave it on background for any “Breaking News”.   Breaking news is anything like the Haiti quake – or someone actually holding the elevator door open for somebody else in my building.  Anyway, I was minding my own business when I heard:

“Yep, constipation, stomach acid, diarrhea, and cramps – that’s me!”  I turned around and saw one woman in a business suit talking brightly to another woman who was nodding her head.  I think they were in an airport or something. They were hawking the colon cleansing product above.  I was in awe.  Is this sort of stuff on TV often?  Isn’t this a little . . . uh, strange?

Charlie Manson once said, “Being crazy used to mean something.  Today, everybody’s crazy!”

“And How Was The Play, Mrs. Lincoln?”

Monday, November 29th, 2010

Abraham Lincoln is the only President looking backwards on our coins.  Once someone shoots you in the back of the head, you’re always on your guard.

“God Made Me Drop It!”

Monday, November 29th, 2010


Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson blamed God for dropping a game-winning touchdown in a 19-16 overtime loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday.  I didn’t even know God watched the Bills!

On his post-game Twitter page, Johnson ranted:

“I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!!”

This is the type of thing that happens when you give too much money to basic street trash who happen to be athletically-gifted.

I don’t think God will be coming back to the Bill’s stadium anyway. Often when the team blows an easy catch or whiffs a simple field goal, 50,000 frustrated fans jump up and scream, “JESUS CHRIST!”

Killing “My Way”

Friday, November 26th, 2010


Karaoke is big in the Philippines.  In America, it’s often performed by a staggering drunk trying to sing to the machine with a mike in one hand, a bottle in another, and intoxicated with mad delusions of talent.  You’d better not try that in the Philippines which takes its karaoke seriously – sometimes, deadly seriously.

Karaoke machines are all over the nation in streets, grocery stores, and sometimes, even standing alone on country roads.  Unfortunately, this singing is not universally appreciated by everyone in the country.  Arguments, brawls, stabbings, fights, and even an occasional murder are common.

The reasons? People criticizing others’ singing, alcohol, crowding, and machismo all contribute to the mayhem.  But the unquestioned leading cause of the killings is Frank Sinatra’s classic hit, “My Way” – and no one seems to know why.  Many karaoke bars have eliminated the song from their play books and most singers won’t even try to warble it.

Imagine, old Blue Eyes can still start a barroom brawl years after his death.

Deaths-by-karaoke are not limited to the Philippines. In the last two years,  a Malaysian man was fatally stabbed for hogging the microphone at a bar and a man from Thailand murdered eight people after the group sang John Denver’s “Take Me Home, Country Roads” a few times in a row.

Now, I can understand the Thai man – but the rest seem mighty strange.

Thanksgiving with Paolo

Thursday, November 25th, 2010

“And we’ll trade you a drumstick for $1000 in chips at Seneca Casino.”

I never was never big on holiday traditions.  The turkey was OK but the bird’s table top autopsy made me a little queasy.  What I liked best was my Mom’s stuffing.  She made it with chopped Italian sausage, raisins, small pieces of turkey and her own stuffing mix.

Now every Thanksgiving I make a big casserole of her stuffing (although with Stove Top) and bake it.  I then serve it to myself with cranberry sauce and cole slaw – my favorite vegetables.  And today for dessert I’m having red Gummi Bears and dried plums.

I will also probably have some drinks of vodka + grape juice in a crystal wine glass.

The freedom of living alone and doing whatever I want is intoxicating and priceless.  I’m very thankful for all the things I don’t have.

Kids?

Thursday, November 25th, 2010

M.Y.O.F.B.*

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

*(Mind Your Own Fucking Business)

One of my favorite portrait photography models was “C.”  We used to have a lot of fun together.  C is a young woman about a head taller than me when she puts on her “hooker heels.”  She’s also about  35-years younger.

When we went out, I was amazed at the rude reaction of people.  Since we looked like the Prom Queen of Porn and her “manager”, we got all sorts of sneers, looks of disgust, and shaking of heads.

Once when we left a casino in Niagara Falls, Canada, a rude cab driver leaning against his car said to her, “Oh – is this your Father?”  Without hesitation, C said, “Yes, he is – but we fuck anyway.”  His face looked like he was punched in the stomach.

When you stick your nose into other peoples’ business, you get what you get with no apologies.

If Only They Could Make Muffins . . .

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

This is my Aunt Carmella and her friend  “Joey” wrestling at our last family reunion. Unfortunately Greco-Roman Freestyle Women Wrestling  was banned by the Olympics as a competitive sport in 1069 B.C.

This Androgynous Person….

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

seems to like Paolo’s Gelato Ice Cream . . . just a little  too  much.     I really don’t remember who sent this to me from Atlanta. Besides, I really don’t like ice cream too much. Whether  it’s  gelatto – or not-o.

Worst CD EVER!

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010