Archive for July, 2010

“Ummm….Emily?”

Saturday, July 31st, 2010

sensualarousalblog.com

Thinking For Dummies

Friday, July 30th, 2010

Thinking isn’t too hard once you get the hang of it.  But most people meander through their mediocre lives seemingly oblivious to the fact that this isn’t a dress rehearsal – this is it. The worst part about thinking is you can think too much and goof up your day.

Like PIN numbers.  Every time I use my ATM card, the machine asks for my pin number.  When I type in the four digits, it shows “XXXX” and then asks “Is this your pin number?”

Well of course XXXX isn’t my pin number but if I press “no” I’ve got to start all over again. And I must keep inserting my card until I answer “Yes”.  In other words, I’ve got to lie to the damn ATM  to get my own money on which I’ll be charged a hefty fee plus an additional fee by my bank because I didn’t use their inconvenient ATM.

Once I walked up to my bank’s ATM and inserted my card.  When it asked for my pin number,  I typed “XXXX”.  The friggin’ machine shot out my card so fast I thought it would hit the ground.

People are as boring with their pin numbers as they are in their lives.  A recent poll showed about 1/3 of all adults use: 1-2-3-4-5, or a-b-c-d-e  or some derivation of those.  I guess they think they can remember those but since they don’t have much else about which to think, they should make a little more effort not to be such dullards.

Ever Eat a Mango?

Friday, July 30th, 2010

Hookers Like Cupcakes Too

Friday, July 30th, 2010

peopleofwalmart.com

You’ve really got to see this site.

Yo Mama So Poor . . .

Wednesday, July 28th, 2010

When She Go to KFC, She Licks Everybody Elses’ Fingers.

The Beautiful Beads in Each of Us

Wednesday, July 28th, 2010

Two years ago,  my Lady Friend Becky’s Mom was getting ready for the Park Avenue Festival – an arts and crafts street show held here every year. She made bead earrings that never sold very well. She really thought they were “something” – although she probably hadn’t sold three dozen of the damn things in all the years she crafted them. We kidded her about that but she just laughed.  Connie had a great laugh.

On a warm summer night around that time, Connie felt a little dizzy, couldn’t walk quite right for a few minutes, and seemed confused even though she felt fine. It was no big deal but her family insisted she go to the doctor. Doctor ordered some tests – brain tumor – inoperable –maybe four months to live.

“Pardon me? What was that you said? I don’t think so. I feel fine – and I’m only 60-years old. You see, I make these bead earings….and teach my Sunday school classes…and…the Park Ave Festival is coming up…….”

Four months later, almost to the day of her diagnosis. Connie died.

We all know we’re going to die someday, don’t we? Naw, not really. Really can’t imagine it. This lack of true belief in our own death is probably necessary for us to live. And that’s OK. But maybe today – for just a few moments – we can look at the beautiful glass beads in each of us – and love them – even if no one else realizes how very valuable they are.

Cheaply

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

You Can Advertise Right Here

McStupid

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010


Latreasa Goodman, 28, of Fort Pierce, Florida REALLY likes McDonald’s McNuggets.  She purchased a 10-piece meal but was told – sorry – it had just run out. Goodman demanded a refund but the counterperson told her that was not store policy and suggested an alternative.

Ms. Goodman  called Emergency 911. Say what? Right – she called 911 to tell them McD’s ran out of McNuggets – stole her money – and that was an emergency. 911 said ’Yah right, honey’ – or words to that effect – probably thinking ‘McNut Case’ – and hung up.

She called 911…. AGAIN. And AGAIN 911 hung up on her. Then it was a matter of principle – or complete lunacy – and Ms. Goodman called 911 for a THIRD TIME!

The Fort Pierce Police arrived and they weren’t in much of a mood to discuss her constitutional right to enjoy McNuggets.  They gave her a summons for “misusing an emergency communications system.”

Corporate McDonalds apologized for the incident. “We’ll be sending the customer her refund, along with an invitation to return for her original order, on us. Customer satisfaction is our top priority.”

As a corporate speechwriter for 30-years, let me translate this for you.  It says: “Listen you stupid cow – we’re not setting any “A Lifetime of McNuggets’” precedents here.  ALL you’re getting is your money back and a bag of greasy chicken parts. We hope you choke on it, bitch!”

“Jumping Jugs! Ready? . . .”

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

US Defeated in Iraq

Monday, July 26th, 2010

We lost in Iraq, didn’t you hear?  Everybody knows it – but no one will just come out and say it.  After nine years of fighting, billions and billions of dollars spent, and too many Americans dead –  US combat troops will pull out of the country next month.  Non-combat personnel will stay another year in a war we couldn’t have won, because there was nothing for the US to win.

When will America ditch this “US-Freedom Police of the World ” crap?   Didn’t we learn anything in Vietnam?  The head of Iraq’s military said it would take ANOTHER 10-years of US military support before the country could defend itself against insurgents.  Good luck, buddy.

We have the best-trained military troops in the world (with the possible exception of Israel).  We also have the best high tech hardware available and smart people who know how to employ it.

And it can’t compete against some religious, illiterate lunatic – wearing explosives –  who thinks he’s going to shake hands with Allah and ball
72 virgins as soon as he blows up a few “infidels”.  We never could compete.

“Mission Accomplished” Bush, Jr!  And Obama – you have even more blood on your hands.  Better start rehearsing spin and flag-waving speeches.  The practice will do you good when we lose in Afghanistan.