Archive for February, 2009

“Oh the horror…….the horror!”

Saturday, February 28th, 2009

(This is not an original post. But it’s still one of my favorites.)

Two hot, new outfits for two hot ladies……$340.00

Two admission fees to the coolest club in town……$50.00

An hour-and-a half of Tequilla shots for both…..$110.00

Being sick in drunken embarrassment as your best friend passes out on the sidewalk……

PRICELESS!

Sylvia. 1979

Friday, February 27th, 2009

The best portrait I ever shot. I wonder where Sylvia is today?

Can’t We Just Spay the Bitch?

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Octopussy wants to have more kids. Say what? That’s right. Nadya Suleman, 33, the woman who has six kids at home in Whittier, California (hometown of Richard Nixon) and who recently spit out eight more, has decided she wants to get pregnant again.

HEY, O-Pussy! You haven’t even played with the ones you’ve got now! What are you talking about? And – thankfully – there’s a good chance the hospital might not release your most recent spawn anyway. Why? Three quick, good reasons: the infants have significant medical problems, the home (your Mom’s) where you plan to live with your herd of 14, will probably be foreclosed in a few weeks – and (no offense) you’re a friggin’ whack job.

BUT- there’s a California, non-profit outfit dedicated to providing free housing and medical care for fragile, premature infants. The Agency, “Angels in Waiting” gave you an offer to completely care for your babies PLUS YOUR OTHER SIX KIDS about two weeks ago. So far you have not chosen to accept the offer and the deadline is tonight. ARE YOU FREAKIN’ NUTS?!

Look, Petri-dish Mama – this is a way to keep your family together and you don’t have any other good options. I hope you are not taking seriously the offer from Vivid Video (I couldn’t make this stuff up….) to do sex tapes for them. From what you’ve said, you’re even repulsed by having sex to have children (hence the artificial insemination.) Something tells me balling strangers with ‘Lights-Camera-ACTION!’ ambiance probably would not enhance the experience for you one little bit.

Now a Los Angeles lawyer has filed a complaint with the Department of Children and Family Services in Los Angeles County, asking it to open an investigation into whether you – divorced and unemployed – could care for all the kids on your own. If social workers determine there is a risk to the babies’ health, they could block their release indefinitely, at which point local authorities would step in.

So Honey, TAKE THE OFFER! If you need more fame, go on American Idol or the professional speaking circuit for anti-abortion advocates. But please do what’s best for your children- ALL of them.

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Don’t Be An Ash-hole

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

It would not be a good idea today to wipe from your friend’s forehead that annoying, unattractive smudge. See, today is Ash Wednesday – an important Holy Day for Catholics.

Of course, few Catholics remember why we get the smudge. I think it has something to do with America converting from coal to electric,  or a rememberance of the day Tammi Faye Baker converted to Catholicism, or what you would look like after confessing to a mortal sin on Saturday afternoon, doing your penance – getting to third base with your girl Saturday night – then dying in a horrible car accident before you got to Communion Sunday morning. I forget – something like that.

Anyway, I always questioned my Catholic faith. I wondered ‘where did the priest get all those ashes?” Burnt holy cards? Charcoal-like crumbs of out-of-fashion nun gowns from the incinerator? Bonfire remnants from alter boy camp?

OK – it may not be important to you, but REALLY (!) ‘where did the priest get the ashes?’ (PS- This is like my post ‘The Missing Dollar’.  If you send in the correct answer ((+$50)) you will be eligible for a truly insignificant prize now being chosen by Tuesday and Wednesday – my non-biological children.)

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Fruit of the Loons

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

(I got the banana but what the hell is this other guy supposed to be?)

Rochester, NY’s TV spokespeople are a strange, scurvy crew. They’re no better nor worse than other small city hawkers – they’re just here – and most times, that makes them annoying.

Ad agencies and massive egos push business owners in front of cameras and we get all types of mad trips. Screaming car dealers practically go broke giving the damn things away at $1- over invoice (Right). We see furniture hucksters (“No payments until the junk wears out!”) and funeral shills (“Don’t need to DIE now to BUY now!”). Lawyers who’ll sue for stuff you think you had once (maybe) but for which you were never diagnosed. And my favorite – auto injury victim chasers (“I even changed my name to rhyme with CAR!”).

It’s all pretty strange – but there’s strange – and then there’s ‘good’ strange. Lori’s Natural Foods is good strange – I love their commercials – I can even sing the jingle! For those of you without television: Lori’s commercials feature about a dozen, early 20’s stoners dressed up like fruits and vegetables, dancing and singing in a grocery store (presumably Lori’s). They pop up onto your screen, wave their arms and legs, and run all around crashing into each other laughing. Obviously they’re having fun and not taking themselves too seriously.

If this is how you feel eating healthy foods, I just might scrape the grease and salt from my cheeseburger.

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Taste that Beats the Others Warm

Tuesday, February 24th, 2009

Hindus aren’t big on cheeseburgers. When they shop, sausage and beef jerky don’t ‘fly off the shelves’ either. And a big slab of sizzling filet mignon could be enough to fill a set of loincloths. But the world’s largest democracy doesn’t have to eat what we eat – and we don’t have to drink (thankfully) what they driink: a soft drink made from cow urine.

We know cows are sacred and honored in India but there are a few women whom I felt were sacred and I honored them – but I also hoped they’d close the bathroom door while going #1 (#2 was non-negotiable.). Actually very few needed to be asked.

Anyway, this bovine brew is being developed by the Cow Protection Department of the RSS, India’s largest and oldest Hindu nationalist group. (See what happens when farmer unions get out of control?) Hindus have been pushing the health benefits of drinking Bossie’s “other wet drink” for thousands of years.

Om Prakash, the head of CPD, said the drink — called “gau jal,” or “cow water” — in Sanskrit – “won’t smell like urine and will be tasty too. It will not be carbonated and it will be devoid of any toxins.” Right.

Now, I’m no expert on cow piss but I would guess the whole thing is pretty toxic and if you take out the toxins, really – what’s the point? Well, of course, there is another point – Hindus believe their whole country is going to hell because of a torrent of Western cultural influences best symbolized by Coke and Pepsi. And gau jal just might be what the yogi ordered to stem the flow (so to speak). Neither Coke nor Pepsi has returned my calls for comment.

Of course nobody has asked my opinion – but I think the whole thing is udderly ridiculous – but what a pisser! And if you want to try it?  Urine good company!

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Amy Hits Pole in Good Career Move

Monday, February 23rd, 2009

BEFORE- -AFTER!

Have you ever been to Albion, New York? Most people who go there, don’t want to – and most people who are there, just want to leave as quickly as possible. Albion is a small upstate NY town which has two prisons and, (sorry, Albinions) not much more.

Amy Fisher, the “Long Island Lolita”, got to Albion in a rather dramatic fashion and left in an even more stunning way. In 1992, Amy, then 17, drove to the home of her boyfriend, Joey Buttafuoco to tell Mrs. Buttafuoco about her husband’s new romance – Amy. Mrs. B didn’t like the idea very much so the two started discussing the matter on the porch. Probably beginning to lose the argument, young Amy whipped out a handgun and shot Joey’s wife in the face. End of discussion.

Ms. Fisher was charged with attempted murder but pleaded guilty to one count of assault in the first degree. In December 1992, she was sentenced to 5–15 years in Albion prison. Like virtually all prisoners, Ms. Fisher did not like her new digs. Unlike most cons, she devised a scheme to check out of the joint using just a few parts of her body – mainly her head.

Ms. Fisher knew that NYS Correctional Officers may not have sexual relations with convicts even if the prisoners say ‘yes’. The inmates may not legally say ‘yes’ because they’re protected wards of the state and sex acts are considered statutory rape. Unfortunately, sex acts are not uncommon but are difficult to prove in a system favoring the guards.

And then along came Amy who said ‘yes’ quite a few times and saved the memory of her romances in her panties. On Visitor’s Day, the very clever Ms. Fisher managed to transfer her soiled souvenir to her Mother (“Here, Mom.”) who brought it to a lab for DNA testing. The dumb guard was fired and Ms. Fisher departed Albion in a long, white limousine.

In the last 10-years, Amy has had her ups and downs, ins and outs. She’s authored two books about (what else?) herself, got married, had a daughter, wrote an advice column, got a boob job,created a porn site starring (who else?) herself, and made a sex tape which sold quite well.

However, Ms. Fisher missed the pubic limelight – so she started touring the country as a well-known, well-paid stripper.  Recently she said, “I’ll do this until my fans tell me, ‘Dear, please put your clothes back on – you’re too old.”

Right.

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Shall I Pour More Wine into your Water Bowl?

Friday, February 20th, 2009

Anyone who knows me knows I like cats better than people. Nothing personal but chances are a cat is more interesting than you – or me – or any glam-glitzy movie starlet without a script. Cats are honest. If they like you, you’ll have one of the most fascinating friends in the world. And if they don’t like you, they have been known to develop cases of selective amnesia and immediately forget where their litter boxes are.

Honesty is big with cats. That’s why I know they burst out laughing (you can’t hear them – but I can) when they see commercials for the elegant presentations of the convoluted concoctions like you see above.

Looks good, doesn’t it? Makes you want to dive right in, right?  This one is Wild Salmon Primavera in a Classic Sauce with “garden” Veggies (as opposed, I guess, to those which are grown between the cracks of sidewalks) and greens. Ummm. These new “Elegant Medleys” are created by Purina which makes “Fancy Feast” and less expensive brands of cat food. The Purina advertisements say these selections are “restaurant inspired” –which certainly is good news for those feline connoisseurs currently eating scraps out of restaurant dumpsters.

Unfortunately, few cats will be terribly enthusiastic about the new colors in the Medley menu. You see, cats can’t see many colors; in fact, some experts claim they can’t see ANY colors. And the veggie thing? Well, some cats will eat SOME vegetables sometimes – but since they’re mainly meat-eaters, greens are more likely to be a bland afterthought or a means of aiding digestion.

Texture? Cats are far-sighted and extremely sensitive to movement so they can hunt prey. Their extraordinary sense of smell is also a hunting tool. So a clump of stationary mush with different shapes, sizes, and colors – out of a metal can – isn’t much of a feline thrill no matter what foreign, fancy adjectives you slap on the label.

So what’s the big deal here? Well, one thing is the price. You can buy a no-name brand of cat food for about 29-cents a can. The “Fancier Feasts” start up at 59-cents. And these feline culinary, memorable treasures you can barely pronounce? Over a dollar; sometimes, WAY over a dollar a can. Of course this point is moot because Fluffy isn’t picking up the tab-by anyway.

Well then, why would this product even be made? Let me answer that with another question: what’s born every minute?

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If You Have an Erection That Lasts Longer than 4-Hours…

Friday, February 20th, 2009

…See Your Doctor.

(Note the Optimistic Angle of this Pill)

Oh, right. You’ve got to hand it to the Cialis people. They take a supposed “health risk” – which is just about every guy’s sexual fantasy – and “warn” you about it every chance they get. The medical term for an erection which won’t go down is ‘priapism’ – and a medical dictionary is the closest I’ve ever come to it.

The name comes from the Greek god Priapus, referring to the myth that he was punished by the other gods for attempting to rape a goddess, by being given a huge, but useless, set of wooden genitals. The definition is from Wikipedia – and a more detailed definition from that source does not include any other references to wood.

Priapism is supposed to be a serious medical emergency. So after 4-hours, you’re supposed to call your Doctor. I don’t think so! There’s a LONG list of women I would call first – since college….

“Laurie? This is Frank Paolo – right – Frank Paolo from college – remember? Yah, well remember that night after the feminist rally and you told me all men were pigs? And, uh, I agreed and said I didn’t want to have sex with you because I didn’t want to treat you just like a middle-class slut? Well, I really did, but I couldn’t, ya see..but NOW…uhhh, look, I’m only an hour and a half away from you…ya, I know it’s late but….. Laurie? Hello? Hello?”

“Cindy? Oh, you’re her – granddaughter? Hmm. Well look – I’m a real old friend of your Mom’s – uh, your Grandma’s – and is she there, please? Paolo. Frank Paolo. Oh. Well look, uh, how old didja say you were, honey’? Hello? Hello?”

“Pammy? Frank Paolo!……. Hello?”

“Elizabeth? Frank Paolo here. Yeh, really. Gosh – I was thinking about the silliest thing. Remember that night in New York and we were just lying there – uh, kind of not doing anything and you looked down at me and said, “You can’t think of anyone else either, huh?” Well…yeh…that was pretty funny. I….you’re still laughing over that, huh? Yeh, me too. Well would you stop laughing for a minute here because ……”

“Dr. Rubin? Frank Paolo here. I took Cialis a few hours ago and I’m having a problem….”

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“Sewing a Moonbeam to a Fart”

Thursday, February 19th, 2009

Remember when we took the picture above, Eric? The excitement, the idealism, the idea of positive change! The noble goal of starting to take Washington back for the people – the REAL people? The farmer, the mechanic, the small shop owner, and working Moms too? We fought pretty hard, didn’t we?

There I am in the last row between a few signs. And there I am in a crouch up front – then standing right next to you with a big, hopeful smile on my face. Oh, there I am on the other side too, looking pensive – a bit unsure – but putting my hopes in you. Look, I’m right there – the person who believed in you. Who believed you could represent the “new politics” in a rotten, corrupt system. I believed in you when you said you would stand up to the power party bosses. And I believed in you when you said you’d say ‘no’ to special interest money.

What are the chances you’ll embrace those ideals once again even if it means losing you next election? Those around me say the chances equal those of the title quote above.

Maybe.

Or maybe this old Navy guy will put back on his steel chalones, go back to his original campaign contribution pledge, tell the bosses he is NOT just a team player, and for two years he’ll fight like hell for the little guy regardless of the consequences.

If you go that way, Eric, there’s a good chance we’ll see you on the national news. If you choose not to, chances are you’ll end up as a forgotten footnote in a dull history book which nobody reads.

Your move, Eric.

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