Archive for November, 2008

Kind of Says It All

Saturday, November 29th, 2008

Hillary Clinton nutcracker with stainless steel thighs.

Promised to crack even the toughest nuts.

$19.99

The MOST Annoying Television Shill

Saturday, November 29th, 2008

Recycled from April 12, 2008

It took me awhile to figure out why Jimmy Dean’s Breakfast Sun gave me such a negative, stomach – wrenching reaction. At first I thought it was the guy’s insipid, cheery prattle about why it’s better to eat a gob of microwaved, spiced turkey and pig guts mixed with fake eggs – instead of cereal in the morning. But that wasn’t it.

Then I thought it was because the nitwit has a superior, “sunny- bright” attitude even though he’s mincing around in a goofy, stuffed-sun costume which couldn’t win third place in a grade school Halloween contest. But that wasn’t it either.

Finally I discovered what makes me queasy the instant I see these spots: the damn dolt is so SERIOUS about this fluff. When he delivers a line like “Guys, I have to illuminate the entire eastern seaboard in 15- minutes,” he does it with a studied, earnest sincerity that makes me want to heave. I’d like to say,

“Hey Buddy, don’t get pissy with anyone who doesn’t chow down your greasy, concoction of coagulated crap – save your bile for the shyster agent who convinced you to take this lousy job in the first place.”

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Living in Luxury (Hotels)

Friday, November 28th, 2008

I love staying in fine hotels. And I’m a lot more sophisticated at it than I was 30-years ago when a friend and I stayed at the Four Seasons in Toronto. We arrived late, so after checking in, we found our own room and opened the door. To our dismay, we saw chocolates and flower petals on the turn-downed bed.

I immediately called the front desk clerk to say we had been placed in someone else’s room and they had already used it! He kindly reassured me that yes, this was our room and the maid had turned down our bed and also put fresh ice in the crystal “bucket” to welcome us. Good professional service people have a tremendous talent to stop you from feeling like an ass – even if you pull off a dumb-ass move.

These days there are two things that knock me out about the best hotels: 24-hour, Full-Menu & Bar Room Service and GLEAMING bathrooms. The “facilities” are sometimes SO sparkling, I hesitate to brush my teeth in them – much less do anything else.

One day when I was killing time in my room before I had to speak, I asked the maid how she make could make the bathtub and sink shine so brilliantly? At first she just giggled and pretended not to speak English. Not surprisingly, a greenish portrait of Alexander Hamilton (discretely folded and handed to her while maintaining eye contact) helped her develop an impressive second language fluency and an ability to give up the secret.

The secret? Scrubbing the tubs and sinks with a heavy, DRY terry cloth hand towel WHILE THE FIXTURES ARE STILL DRY. THEN use the disinfectant spray and shine to make them glisten. Well, of course! Why disinfect and shine dirt and grime?

Say anything you wish about my blog – but you can’t say you never learned anything here.

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Lust on the List

Thursday, November 27th, 2008

I just came up from the lobby of my building. There were about a half-dozen dinner survivors wandering around in various stages of fully-stuffed shock. Their eyes were half closed, their mouths still open, and they held various parts of their abdomens trying to relieve the pressure. Their moans were mixed with words like, “I can’t eat another thing – and I’ve got two more dinners tonight . Ooooh.”

Ah, Thanksgiving – the Great American Pig-Out. A holiday devoted to unabashed gluttony. Which is kind of funny in this country.

You see, America is the land of Pilgrims, Puritans, and Prigs. Gluttony is a sin – one of the biggies in the litany of “The SEVEN DEADLY Sins.” Why a nation founded by religious zealots would choose one of the seven deadly sins as a way to celebrate is a little strange. It’s also tough on turkeys. So I came up with an idea to make us appear less mindlessly traditional.

For a national holiday, maybe we could change it up a bit featuring a different deadly sin every year. I went through the list of the others – greed, sloth, wrath, lust, envy, and pride – and I have a personal favorite for next year’s star sin: lust.

Lust has kind of a bad reputation in America but that’s why it needs a national holiday. Gluttony is frowned upon every other day of the year but celebrated on Thanksgiving. So our country can still look down its prudish nose on sensual pleasure and recreational sex – except on Lustmus Day.

Imagine the possibilities! A day of leers, kisses, and lechery. Drooling old men and excited young boys! Women dressing in provocative clothing being tramps for a day. Conversations filled with suggestive remarks and double entendres. Porn on television and you could eat all day and not get fat!

Obviously I don’t have all the details worked out yet – but I’ll get back to you on it. This country wants CHANGE and I want to do my part.

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Get Your Tongue Out of Our Mouths, Sarah ….

Tuesday, November 25th, 2008

We’re Just Kissing You Goodbye.

The Sarah Palin ‘Turkey-Slaughter Babble’ annoys me still. I KNOW there are more important issues – but I’m still thinking about it. One reason is my own hypocrisy. I love most animals more than I love most people. Sorry friend, but if I had to choose between your life and the lives of my fur friends Tuesday and Wednesday …..well, let’s just hope it never gets to that.

I love animals – so how can I eat them? One word – disassociation. My cheeseburgers (I never eat anything that looks like anything) come from plastic-wrapped packages that live in grocers’ freezers. I don’t want to think about it more than that. But since I know – somewhere in my mind – cows ARE killed for my dinner, I cushion the idea with thoughts that they were killed quickly and humanely with no worried anticipation of their own deaths (that’s saved for humans).

That’s why I consider killing any living thing a serious matter. That’s why I’m so enraged at Sarah Palin for thinking her turkey slaughter photo-op was fun, funny, or “neat”.

I don’t hate Sarah Palin. For over 40 years I have known many Sarah Palins. They’re not evil. Pretty, superficial people who ask one question many times each day: “What does this have to do with ME?” And that’s OK. If you accept people for whom they are, and you’re honest, there’s still a lot of room for play.

When I was young, I went out with a lot of Sarah Palins. I never lied – I never promised them an “anything”. I was usually the guy between their “serious” relationships. I gave them new experiences and lots of laughs. What did they give me? Well, uhhh, let’s just say ‘the same things’.

If the times were right, I’ll bet Sarah and I would have had great, fun and funny, memorable times. But I never would have gotten confused. I never would have thought the woman anything more than what she is. And I NEVER would have been dumb enough to vote for her – unless she ran for mayor of a hick town in Alaska.

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UPDATE UPCHUCK: UNBELIEVABLE! The Governor’s Office is now claiming that Palin “DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON BEHIND HER!” Right. This ditz who “could see Russia from my house” somehow missed the turkey head-grind 5-feet behind her! If she lied this badly in college, she never again would have seen my dorm room ceiling.

 

 

 

Don’t Ax Me…

Monday, November 24th, 2008

Why Does Sarah Continue to Make an Ass of Herself?

On Nov. 20, Palin appeared on local Alaska TV during an event to “pardon” a turkey from slaughter – a la the strange and macabre annual White House ritual. Palin, 44, proceeded to give a lengthy interview as live turkeys were fed into a machine that sliced off their heads and drained their blood – clearly pictured behind her.

Earlier, when told the turkey-slaughtering machine might not exactly be a great backdrop for the interview, Palin babbled “This is neat. I was happy to be invited to this.”

Remember, this is the same bimbo that was proud to shoot wolves from low-flying airplanes. If there were any justice in the world, the wolves would have been allowed to fire back.

Some people actually believe this dopey, caribou hugger is the future of the Republican Party (wink, sexy smile). A better bet? Palin has more chance of being an obscure Trivial Pursuit answer in the next decade – or the center-spread shot in Hustler Magazine’s Celebrity Issue.

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No Such Thing as a Bad Road Job

Saturday, November 22nd, 2008

I’m sick of PBS’s Antique Road Show – it’s always the same. I don’t remember if I’m watching a rerun or having a flashback (BTW – whatever happened to those LSD flashbacks they promised us in the 60’s? Remember? “You might be in a business meeting, have a flashback, then run across the table and dive out the window doing your impersonation of Art Linkletter’s daughter.” Yah, right. I’M WAITING HERE!) Anyway….

It’s the same thing every week. Some dumb goober sits with the suited estimator and they’re staring at a piece of crap that looks like the frozen fecal clumps they used to dump out of jet planes.

Estimator: “Tell me – how did you come across this piece?”

Goober: “Me and Hilda the wife was at some barn sale and she took a liking to it. It was $2.00 but she jewed the guy down to a buck and a half so I bought it just to shut her up.”

Estimator: “Heh, heh. Well do you know what you have here?”

Goober: “Nope. I tell my friends it’s a doorstop for Hilda’s mouth.”

Estimator: “Heh, heh. Well, you have a blah-blah, sculpted by blah-blah-blah during his green fecal period.”

Goober: “Is that good?”

Estimator: “Heh, heh. Well you should thank your wife – at auction it would bring anywhere between $10- and $20,000.”

Goober: “You shittin’ me, boy!?” EDITED FOR TELEVISION: “Wow – I better not drop it.”

Estimator: “Heh, heh.” THINKING: “You lucky old fart! You should choke on it!”

Tuesday and Wednesday, my cats, tell me it’s all made up. They said if I want to watch a sitcom I should just switch to the national news.

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Nothing Succeeds Like Excess

Friday, November 21st, 2008

The unforgettable Peggi Fournier of Personal Effects. When she took the stage, no one could take their eyes – or their ears – off her. Listen to Peggi perform “Heartbreaker” by clicking on “Pop Wars” to the right. It’s on the first post.

The early ’80’s was a time of wonderful, wretched excess. There was too much sex, too many drugs, and a plethora of spectacular local bands that kept the clubs stuffed, smokin’, and shakin’. Three of the best groups of Rochester rockers were Personal Effects, New Math, and the Press Tones. In those days, you could catch them all at the old Scorgies Bar on Andrews Street. Tonight you can catch them again at the SCORGIES REUNION on Gregory Street in the German House Theatre.

Scorgies was a bar that meant many different things to many different people. You could get picked up at Scorgies – or put down. You could laugh and shout or be so cool, you only had to dance with one foot while slugging down drinks.

The music was the thing that brought together all these people and dragged them down to Andrews Street. The music was bold, non-apologetic, exciting, original, and it sounded as good as anything on the national scene. In fact, Rolling Stone Magazine called Scorgies “one of the best music clubs in America”. It was a heady time (so to speak) in Rochester Music History.

What would you give to turn back the clock 25-years and bask in this cacophony of sounds, great people, and good times? Well, you only have to give $22 at the door of the German House Theatre, 315 Gregory Street starting at 7:00pm TONIGHT. Hurry up – memories await.

For some visual Scorgies foreplay, go to: www.scorgies.com

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Thanksgiving is a Turkey

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

Would you like to ruin your Thanksgiving holiday? Invite over guests like me. If I actually came (at gunpoint), I’d probably just stuff myself in glum silence because I’d be too polite to tell you what I really think.

I think Thanksgiving sucks out loud.

I really don’t like tradition. Tradition is where it’s a citizen’s duty not to think – but to just ‘shut-up’ and feel the same way same way millions of fellow citizens are supposed to feel. Tradition is when you act like a human robot and go through mindless rituals which no longer have any meaning – if they ever did.

Thanksgiving is particularly odious because it’s based on a fairy tale and everybody stuffs themselves on some tasteless fowl you would never order in a good restaurant.

Fairy tale? Remember those wonderful, propaganda mind movies where the Pilgrims and the Indians all sat around a huge table groaning under a bountiful harvest like drunken poker buddies laughing and toasting each other? Never happened. For years, the settler-invaders couldn’t figure out how to grow anything in the New World and many starved (or froze) to death. And there wasn’t a whole lot of talking going on because the English didn’t know any Indian languages and weren’t about to learn. Grunts only go so far during holiday dinners (take it from an expert).

I’d love to see pictures of those “happy meals” with silent cartoon bubbles over the diners’ heads honestly saying what they REALLY felt. Above the Pilgrims we’d read, “If we get these stupid savages any drunker, we can trade them a few, cheap beads for the whole state of Pennsylvania!” And the honesty bubble above the Indians would read,

“Oh, Great Spirit – will these moronic, murderous buffoons NEVER leave?”

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NEXT MONTH: “The TRUE Meaning of Christmas” or “Who’s Your Daddy?”

Did Castro Kill Kennedy?

Tuesday, November 18th, 2008

November 22, 2008 is the 45th Anniversary of John Kennedy’s Assassination

He certainly had enough reasons to. When John Kennedy was President, there were at least SIX attempts on Castro’s life. From shootings to poisonings and even an exploding cigar (thought up by the CIA) the U.S. tried everything to kill Fidel. Of course, this was all secret at the time – even from then Vice-President Lyndon Johnson. When Johnson took over and found out about it, he bellowed, “They (the Kennedys) were running a goddamn ‘Murder Inc.’ down there!”

Around noon in Havana on November 22, 1963, Castro was having lunch with a well-known French journalist. Midway through the meal, one of the dictator’s aids rushed in and whispered something in his ear. The journalist later reported Castro “turned white” and said, “Jesus! They killed Kennedy and now they’ll blame us and invade!” He immediately left for his office.

Castro had good reason to be paranoid. He was only 90-miles away from the world’s largest, nuclear superpower which was trying its best to get rid of him. Cuba could have been obliterated in less than 20-minutes. Would the young Communist be dumb enough to give us a reason for doing that? Hardly. Castro was a lot of things – but he wasn’t stupid.

Years later, yet another ‘60’s plot against Castro was discovered. The good folks at the CIA – who probably watched too many James Bond movies – were going to ‘emasculate’ Fidel in front of the Cuban people. Their chemists came up with some bizarre powder that was supposed to make his beard fall out!

This strange scheme may actually have come closest to killing the dictator. When he learned about it, aids said Castro almost “died laughing”.

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